


The Promised Land

by SmackTheDevil



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alcohol, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, Boys Kissing, Bullying, Carnival, Coming Out, Dark Past, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Family Issues, First Time, Flirting, Fluff and Smut, Heartbreak, Love at First Sight, M/M, Masturbation, Mixtape, Mutual Masturbation, Outdoor Sex, Panic Attacks, Period-Typical Homophobia, Poetry, Recreational Drug Use, Romance, Smoking, Top Jensen Ackles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-04-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:27:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 23
Words: 46,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23457781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SmackTheDevil/pseuds/SmackTheDevil
Summary: Jared Padalecki is a world wise almost 17 year-old living his life in 1980's Kansas with his free-spirited mother who also happens to be his best friend. Their close bond is put to the test after a traveling carnival comes to town and 'Angel', is the mysterious green eyed Irish traveler who charms Jared with poetry, picnics by the lake and declarations of summer love.
Relationships: Jensen Ackles/Jared Padalecki
Comments: 39
Kudos: 68





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Jensen is known as 'Angel' throughout most of this fic.
> 
> I would like to say a huge thank you to **lonelybrothers** , who for weeks now has listened to me talk about nothing but this fic, given me advice and been very patient (you know why!) You're a star!

Trailer. Park. Trash.

An unimaginative daily slur that was only ever partially correct. It didn’t matter that Jared’s mother _owned_ the happy little community that also boasted small, but well-tended garden allotments nor did it matter that the Padalecki family of two were quite comfortable in monetary terms; Jared lived in a trailer, in a trailer park and that was more than enough ammunition for his peers. He took it though, because you had to. If any of those who yelled at Jared on the daily about his ‘poor living standards’ took two minutes to learn the facts they would only find something else about him to nit-pick. It was high school and the lie of the land. And he wasn’t alone; ‘Matilda-Mugshot’ got it everyday too. A pretty girl with a port-wine birthmark on her face and ‘Black Plague’, a boy whose parents didn’t care about him so he smelled but it wasn’t his fault. Both attended school like it was an endless living nightmare of taunts and slurs and bullying. Jared in comparison had gotten off lightly. So what if he didn’t live in town with everyone else? Who really cared if his home was unconventional and didn’t have a pool or a driveway or seven bedrooms? Home was home and it was happy. They still had cable, he still had his own room and he also had a large pot of money waiting for him to pay for college. But no one ever knew any of that, because they saw what they wanted to see and it really wasn’t Jared’s problem.

High school bullies aside; Jared’s life was kind of perfect. His mom was his favorite person in the world because she was just fucking awesome. And also kind of his best friend. Jared was three when his Dad had bolted; packed his things to go and find himself in India and got himself lost. They still got a postcard or a letter once in a while; long messages with spiritual overtones. Jared liked him and never blamed him for leaving because his parents had been young when they had him. Teenagers in a hippy commune who had fallen in love, practiced the art freely and brought a boy into their world. His parents had only parted physically and both claimed that they were still in love and Jared believed that with all of his heart. ‘ _You don’t have to be present or within the physical realms of another person to share love_ ’ his mom always said. They were tied together forever in love and Jared was the bond that kept either one of them pursuing other relationships.

_True_ love is a one time thing.

Jared and his mom had lived simply for many years after his father had left, some people would call it poorly but they always had a roof over their heads and food in their stomachs. Poor would have meant that they had neither of those things. When Jared was almost nine-years old, his mom and her family were left an inheritance from a wealthy great uncle whom she had never met. She was reluctant to take it at first and the money sat in the bank for months before it was touched. Not a penny was withdrawn until she felt ready to put the inheritance to good use and that was how the trailer park came into life. An affordable community for those who enjoyed the outdoors, who wanted to put something good back into the world and who perhaps needed help in finding someplace to live that was safe, cheap and had a sense of togetherness. Land was bought and it took two years for the community to come to life. It hadn’t been without its problems, with objections from some of the residents of the nearest town who didn’t want a trailer park so close to their own community. Committees were formed to veto the planning but no one on the local council seemed to mind. Every plan was submitted accordingly and building standards were up to code, the locals had not one leg to stand on. And so, Hestia Park was born; neat rows of top-of-the-range trailers with sizable plots of workable land attached to them. Solar power was installed, a sturdy wooden jungle gym was erected for the children and one of the trailers was even transformed into a library for those who wanted convenient reading material. For six years, Jared had called Hestia Park his home, hours spent lazing on top of their own trailer in all weathers, looking up at the night sky filled with stars while he listened to music and did his homework. Jared felt as if he would never want to live anywhere else except there. 

*

Despite constant requests and the fact that Hestia Park was definitely within the catchment area of the schools in the nearby town, the local government supplied school bus would not detour past the trailer park. Including Jared, there were twenty-seven school age children who lived there which only proved that despite the people of Hestia Park being peaceful, friendly folk were not always thought of as part of the further community. Most of the kids car-pooled, parents taking in turns to drive them to school or, like Jared cycled into town, leaving his bicycle with Mr. Porter the elderly barber and then jumping onto the school bus there. If there was any other way, Jared would have cycled the entire way but endurance cycling was not his favorite thing and so he had no other choice but to suck it up on the bus with the bullies

_It was 1988 and Jared Padalecki was sixteen_

Jared and his unmatched pair of misfit friends were huddled together in the schools’ quad, _the_ place to hang out before school and during lunch. There was Heather, a wannabe Goth who never quite hit the mark due her not-so-secret love for Rick Astley and who had learned quite early on that Walkmans did a great job of helping her hide. Even with her friends she would sit quietly with her headphones on but still join in the conversation when she wanted to. Then there was Eric, who in another life could have been one of the most popular boys in school if only he washed his hair and cleaned his nails and perhaps didn’t insist on pranking everyone on the daily; including the teachers who fell for his elaborate tricks on a weekly basis. It had been Eric who had started the urban legend of ‘The Green Hand’ at their elementary school. An old rubber work glove had been left behind in the boys bathroom by the janitor. Eric had filled it with sand, smothered it with ketchup and no one used the east wing bathrooms for months because of the sinister monster hand which haunted the stalls. That legend lived on still and was Eric’s great achievement, according to himself. And there was Mr Trailer Park Trash himself and his lovely long legs and beautiful eyes. ‘ _If you weren’t such a ‘Billy-Bob trash piece’ you would be like, so hot_ ’, Jared had been told once or twice by keen blondes who were torn between crushing on the popular boys and crushing on Jared who really, was the prettiest boy in school.

It didn’t matter that he always had nice clothes and cool trainers. Even his top of the range mountain bike didn’t count because he lived in a trailer. Who cared if he was gorgeous and thoughtful and smart, tall and lithe, fit and energetic? Jared Padalecki lived in a trailer so that made him the worst of humanity. Automatic trash. But he couldn’t have cared less.

“Summer is upon is, guys. What plans?” Eric sat himself down between Jared and Heather who were mid-conversation.

“Haven’t even thought about it.” Jared said, eyebrows knotting as Eric offered him a small pastry from a paper bag, dirty nails included. He shook his head. “No, thanks. I had breakfast.”

“Your loss, buddy. So, come on. This is our last summer together, it has to be rad.”

“It’s not, _next_ year is our last summer together. Idiot.” 

“Oh yeah.” Eric chuckled and stuffed a pastry in his mouth. “But hey, there’s a traveling carnival coming to town and guess where they’re setting up?”

“No idea.” Jared shrugged, responding to the start of day bell by standing and throwing his bag over his shoulder.

“On the Miller’s land.”

“Serious?” Now Eric had Jared’s attention.

“I saw the posters in town too.” Heather said, quietly taking her leave.

“Yeah, there is going to be a huge ass carnival right on your doorstep.” Eric grinned. 

“Oh awesome.” Jared’s tone was flat.

“Hey, it’ll be cool.”

“Noise all day and night, people traipsing past constantly. No, it won’t be cool. It sounds like a nightmare.” 

The Millers were an old couple with a lot of unused land. Once it had been a part of their farm, heavy with corn which stretched for acres but as they aged the land was ignored and became nothing more than a wild wasteland with only patches of persistent corn growing here and there. The land was now mostly grass and wildflowers. Jared liked it, the fact that a previously cultivated slab of land had been taken back by nature. As a small boy he used to run through the cornfields, often he would get lost while his mother climbed on top of the trailer to call out for him and then he would come running home clutching a ‘bouquet’ of corn for his mom. ‘ _I was picking you flowers!_ And now the land was being turned over to a bunch of traveling carnies who would no doubt churn the earth up until everything was gone; just for a few weeks of sugar soaked pleasure. Jared was pissed.

As his school day continued the news faded into the back of his mind behind complicated math and useless scientific formulas but by the end of the day, all Jared could focus on was getting home to start a revolution with his neighbors but his plan to overthrow the ‘carny army’ was dashed the moment he swung breathlessly through the door to his trailer.

“Did you cycle all the way home today?” Kyra, Jared’s mom was sat at their dining table with a huge burly man with a face like a road map but kind eyes. His hair was styled in a fifties quiff and looked like one of those old freak show strong men from Victorian times, with a graying horseshoe mustache framing his weathered lips. 

“No, of course not.” Jared huffed, straight into the fridge to grab a carton of juice. “Who are you?” Jared directed the question at the stranger, always protective of his mom even when she wasn’t under any threat.

“Jared, glass. And this is Presley. He’s from The Promised Land.” Kyra snorted at that, his mother seemed as if she were under some spell but Jared noted that she was high again and on closer inspection, so was this Presley person.

“Am I meant to know what that is?” Jared huffed again, he had never been a surly teen but sometimes the occasion called for it.

“I drove ahead from the caravan.” Presley said, standing up to shake Jared’s hand which the boy took hesitantly.

“Oh, so you’re the people who are going to dig up the Miller’s land.”

“I wouldn’t put it like that. When I heard that there were traveling folks like us living opposite the site, I thought I should come and introduce myself.”

“We’re not _traveling folks_. These are static trailers, in that, they don’t move.” Jared sniped.

“Your mom here seems like the traveling type. Ain’t that right, Kyra?” Presley chuckled and his belly wobbled against the elaborate belt buckle that pressed into the mound of flesh.

“Presley has given us free passes to the carnival all summer. Isn’t that kind?”

“Carnivals are for kids.” Jared muttered.

“Jared, please. Why are you being so rude?”

“Because I don’t want to wake up looking at lumps of metal and flashing lights every morning. And I don’t want to go to sleep with the sound of that creepy ass carny music in my ears.” Jared was fuming and couldn’t come down, so sloped off to his bedroom; the only haven of solace a teenager had.

“Oh well, you can’t please everyone.” Presley chuckled.

“Thank you for coming to see me, it was a very kind gesture and I’m sure Jared will come around. You see, that land used to his playground when he was a young boy. Even now he disappears out there for hours on end then sits on top of the trailer to watch the sun come up over the plains.”

“A poetic boy is he?”

“Yes, he can be. But I’m sure he’ll get used to you and your people being around.” Kyra smiled in that sweet way she always did.

“I will not!” A yell came from Jared’s bedroom followed by a defiant blast of INXS from his music stereo. 

“He will.” Kyra whispered.


	2. Chapter 2

Kyra had always told Jared for as long as he could remember that ‘ _even just one person can make a difference_.’ Rule One; parents lie. Even the hippy-dippy, pot-smoking free-spirited ones. And even his nature loving neighbors were loathe to join in with Jared’s carny protest because most of them had children and the kids were excited that the carnival was coming to town. A sugar-coated playground of joy right on their doorstep for three whole months. Jared was beaten before he had even started.  
School was finally out for summer and that meant work for Jared; four days a week sweeping up old man hair and making coffee for grumpy octogenarians who complained a lot but tipped generously. The carnival was the talk of the town. Even the old boys in Mr. Porter’s barbers were excited about it as the posters advertizing ‘The Promised Land’ popped up in store windows and were taped around street lamps. Okay, so Jared did kind of like the old-timey feel of the artwork and he supposed it had been kind of thoughtful of Presley to come and make peace with the community but that wasn’t going to bring back Jared’s wildflowers. He continued his silent protest even though Eric had called him ‘ _a boring ass dweeb from space_.

*

Jared loved Kansas, at least his particular slice of the state because there was just so much damn sky and when he laid back on his trailer roof, looking up at the stars he felt like a feature in a snow globe. Encompassed by the night sky, beautiful and infinite. He supposed that in the grand scheme of spoiling views, the vista above is head would remain untouched. Endless stars for no one but him. No Ferris Wheel on earth was big enough to touch the heavens, even ones from ‘The Promised Land’. The first few days of the summer break saw the carnival roll into town, his field of dreams was churned up and flattened as trucks loaded with ride parts, ticket booths and food kiosks slowly filled the space that was once the Mr. Miller’s untouched land. A small procession of old fashioned wooden caravans, the first in the line being drawn by a huge black stallion with a glossy mane that fell over its eyes was the first real sign of people moved lazily past Hestia Park. As Jared laid watching on his makeshift bed atop of the trailer he allowed the kid in him out for an airing. What a life; traveling from town to town with your house on your back. 

At the end of the caravan, bringing up the rear came a motorcycle. Gleaming chrome with a jet black paint job. He couldn’t see the rider clearly, even though he was helmet-less; riding the bike as easy as breathing, weaving in between the caravans and shouting directions as the vehicles filtered onto the land, parking up neatly around the perimeter. Jared couldn’t imagine how the huge chunks of metal were ever going to be put together safely enough for people to ride on and was glad to see that the carousel came in one piece on the back of a huge low level truck, a cacophony of colorful horses baring their teeth caught in mid-gallop. He had been expecting a sorry looking display of paint worn rides and rusty caravans but realized that it was their livelihood. Moving from place to place, state to state and putting on a show, giving people memories of nights out at the carnival. The rides had to be in tiptop condition. They moved around in their homes, never settling for longer than a month or three, never around long enough to form connections, just living in the bubble of their little community. Not unlike Jared was, although the only thing that moved for him was the earth beneath his feet.

*

“Don’t think I haven’t noticed that you’ve spent a lot more time up here than usual, Jared.” Kyra’s head popped up from the edge of the trailer roof, one finger nudging Jared’s new hi-tech binoculars that he had gotten for Christmas just past. “Eased up on all the sulking now?”

“I wasn’t sulking. I was sad, I loved it over there.”

“Looks like you love it even more now.” Kyra chuckled, turning around and sitting on the edge of the trailer roof.

“It’s fascinating, isn’t it? How people live their lives. It’s kind of romantic. Never staying in one place, always moving. A different sky above your head every few months.”

“I always thought so too. They used to come when I was a girl, the traveling carnival. They even had night travelers too, performing in the dead of night. Your grandpa took me to see them once, at midnight.”

“I bet grandma hated that.” Jared grinned, propping himself up on his elbows. He loved his mom’s stories. Even though she was relatively young herself, she’d had an interesting childhood and always relayed the tales back to her son in such a whimsical and colorful manner. 

“She never found out. It was the most magical night. In hindsight I feel as if most young children would have been scared but I wasn’t. I was never scared of anything. Just like you.”

“I don’t see the point of being scared about stuff.” Jared shrugged.

“I taught you that, but I won’t take credit for you.” Kyra ran a hand over her son’s hair and cupped his cheek. “You are you’re own man.” 

Kyra was a beautiful woman, even Jared could see that. Only thirty-two, long limbed and graceful like her son. It wasn’t uncommon for the pair to be mistaken for brother and sister. Neither minded and both enjoyed the reaction from those who often misread their relationship. She was a free and easy woman with her head screwed on, who had taught Jared to be kind and open, honest and happy. They talked about everything, no subject was taboo but they still managed to maintain what Kyra called ‘a mom and son vibe’. She called him out on his shit and vice versa. They idolized one another.

“I love it when you talk about when you were a kid.” Jared smiled, leaning into the touch.

“I hope that someday you’ll be able to do the same for your children. Telling them how you sat on top of your trailer roof with grandma as we watched the carnival come to town.”

“I can’t see me ever having children.”

“Never say never.”

“Never.” Jared grinned. 

“I’m too young to be a grandma any way.”

“You’re too young to be a mom to a boy who’s off to college next year.” Jared grinned.

“Don’t remind me.” Kyra sucked in a shaky breath and sat up, placing her hands on her lap. “Uh, so I came up because dinner is ready. I made ratatouille with veggies from the garden.”

“My favorite.” Jared chuckled as he picked up his binoculars to have one last look at the travelers. “I’ll be right down.”

*

In between working at the barbers and hanging out with Eric in town, Jared spent a large portion of his time spying on the carnival. He was amazed at just how quickly the rides had gone up. What were once unidentifiable chunks of metal and lights was now a huge Ferris Wheel which located at the rear end of the plot, giving the horizon a new vista. The carousel was set in place, still and lifeless, rainbow hued horses caught in stasis in imaginary starting gates. There were dodgems, an undercover Ghost Train, a Tilt-a-Whirl, food stalls and games. Two gleaming ticket booths were placed either side of the angel wing shaped entrance, which read ‘Welcome to The Promised Land – where Heaven meets Earth’. A bold claim Jared had thought but even he couldn’t deny the temptation of walking under the wings and letting the excitement take hold of him which made him feel like a child again. For Jared it had been a long time since he had felt childish in any way. 

As an only child and living with a matter-of-fact mother he had grown up faster than most people of his generation. He had always been mature and Kyra had introduced subjects set aside for adulthood from quite a young age. She had said she had wanted him to be prepared for everything and thus his happy childhood flashed by faster than most children. Jared was never regretful about the way he had been brought up and in many ways he was pleased he lacked perhaps the ignorance of his peers whose parents neglected to tell them about the real world. Fearful that their off-spring would go off the rails if fed too much information about the dangers of growing up. Jared for example had condoms waiting for him in the bathroom cabinet if he needed them, Kyra let him have a beer with dinner if he fancied it and occasionally a hit from her bong. Adult life and all the endless vices it offered were there for the taking. Have sex if the urge is there, drink if you want it, get high if you’re stressed. There was little else left for Jared to use to rebel and in some ways, from Kyra’s perspective it was a clever move. Her son never snuck off to fuck, never stole, never met up with friends to get drunk to the point of not being able to see and never dabbled in drugs. Jared was a model teen with the world at his feet. No rebelling, no tantrums just a steady heart and mind; a boy who was ‘world ready’. There was a downside to all of the freedom Jared’s mother had given him, lack of privacy. The trailer, although big enough for Jared to disappear into his own room and the roof when he needed time alone was still small compared to a regular family house. Kyra worked from home running Hestia and was forever the gracious hostess, so there was a constant stream of visitors from the park into the trailer. Daily. People coming in to pay their rates, others just wanting a chat because Kyra was good at advice and would do anything for anyone. Jared loved his mother for that but more often than not he wanted nothing more than to relax with a few beers in the trailer and listen to the music he liked. Not an evening listening to his mother passionately wax lyrical about Janis Joplin and Stevie Nicks. Jared wanted his pop music, INXS was about as ‘rocky’ as he got. But once every few months, Kyra _would_ give Jared the space he was craving, leaving him alone for a night or two so she could visit friends a few towns over. It was bliss. That was _his_ Promised Land.

The time alone in the summer was the best, one long day of pleasing himself. Sleeping on the trailer roof after drinking too many beers. Inviting Eric over to watch movies until the early hours and the unbridled joy of not having to masturbate in their tiny bathroom while he showered or under the cover of darkness in his bedroom at 3am. An easy relationship with his mom was fine, but some things still needed to be kept private. Kyra had probably seen the small stash of porn in his closet. Porn given to him by Eric that did nothing for him no matter how hard he looked at the pictures. Jerking off had always been a means to an end but recently it had become less clinical. More needy, a little feral and his rare nights alone became nights of exploration. No porn, no thinking about naked bodies just responses to his body and what it could do for him. What his nipples felt like when he pulled them, what parts of his dick felt the nicest when he touched it. And how his finger felt inside his ass hole; an accidental discovery but one that got him thinking about himself and helped, in some small way explain why the lovely naked ladies in his second-hand copies of Penthouse made him feel dead from the waist down.


	3. Chapter 3

Jared had missed the big lighting up of the carnival, the deep drone of the generators firing up for the first time as the hundreds of multicolored lights flickered on and the rumble of the mechanics of the rides churned over slowly. He had missed it by minutes due to Mr. Porter losing his car keys which had been in the pocket of his barbers apron all along. Eric had passed him from town in the car with Heather in shot gun; there had been no room for Jared’s bicycle as he peddled on so had to watch Eric’s taillights disappear over the horizon as dusk swept in. The view was something else, a vista of fun and games glowing against the plains, like candles on a child’s birthday cake. The light pollution wasn’t too bad; it was difficult to make a huge impact on the infinite sky that hugged the plains of Kansas. The noise was something else though. The buzz/hum of the generators faded as music boomed from each ride and game, merging into a cacophonous confusion of genres. Rock and pop mixed with old-timey carnival tunes; as the lights pulsed with the music hypnotically telling folks ‘ _You WILL have fun!_ ’.

Eric and Heather were stood outside Jared’s trailer like two dogs waiting for treats, or rather the free entry passes they had been promised after some of the older Hestia residents turned Presley’s invitations down. Kyra was keeping them entertained and Eric was quiet and agog in her presence as he always was. It was no secret that Eric was harboring a serious crush on his best friends mom, but she _did_ insist on wearing those floaty Stevie Nicks style dresses with no bra.

“You took your time.” Heather muttered, elbowing Eric in the ribs as she addressed Jared. Eric was salivating again, fixated on ‘mom-boob’.

“Yeah, well. Some of us had to work.” Jared quipped, propping his bicycle up against the trailer. “I just need to clean up and I’ll be five minutes.” He smiled, jumping up into the trailer giving Kyra a kiss on the cheek as he passed.

“Why don’t you two go and wait by the entrance?” Kyra smiled. Soft and warm as ever as Heather hooked an arm around Eric’s elbow to drag him away from the object of his affection.

“Okay, and thank you for the passes Kyra.” Heather muttered. Quiet as always, her face powdered a deathly white but still managing to come across as the sweet girl she had always been.

“You’re welcome, I’ll see you over there with Jared.” Kyra watched the pair leave and closed the trailer door. “Presley is giving us priority entrance.” Kyra called through the bathroom door as the shower was switched on.

“Cool!” Jared called back. “I’ll be quick as I can!”

*

Summer in Jared’s slice of Kansas was always hot, so dusk was always a welcome part of the day but inside the carnival if felt hotter than usual. Even the cotton peach toned shorts and white racer back vest with mint green palm pattern Jared was wearing felt like too many clothes. Not only that but Eric had something to say about Jared’s summery ensemble.

“You look like a homo.” 

“Do I?” Jared glanced down at his clothes, wondering how his friend had come to that conclusion. 

“Yeah, man. Those shorts are too small. You look like you’re getting ready to jump onto a pummel horse.”

“For the last time, not all male gymnasts are gay.” Jared said, sounding each word out as if his friend were deaf as well as stupid. With the run up to the Seoul Olympics, the pair had been watching a lot of sports and for some unknown reason, Eric had taken offense to men taking part in gymnastics to the point where it had become an obsession. “And quit being so narrow minded.” Jared snapped. The subject always hit a nerve. “We’re here to have fun.”

It was kind of disconcerting to be one of only a handful of people allowed into the carnival while the paying public waited outside to be let in. Ride operators stood idly waiting for their custom while game carnies yelled out mantras of temptation. ‘ _Play to win!_. _Every player wins a prize!_. The air was thick with the smell of sugar and fried foods, huge bags of soft pink cotton candy hung from almost every food stall. The Promised Land toyed with every sense and none of the small group of friends knew what to do first. Each of them like kids in a candy store. Free rides all night, unhealthy but cheap and delicious food and fun around every corner.

“I vote Ghost Train.” Eric said, pushing a hand up into the air. 

“Lame.” Heather muttered, the girl who had claimed to have watched ‘The Evil Dead’ fifty-seven times.

“We can’t just stand here like dumb-asses all night, and the carnies are freaking me out.” Eric shivered. “Ghost Train or go home.”

“Fine.” Heather huffed.

“Seconded.” Jared grinned.

So the Ghost Train _was_ lame but was just about enough fun to jump start their collective excitement and after that, nothing could stop them. The view from the top of the Ferris Wheel was spectacular, Jared had wanted to stay up there for longer just drinking in the night sky which seemed close enough to touch. Inky and star-filled. The ancient Tilt-A-Whirl tossed them about, old and uncomfortable but thrilling all the same as the ride operator spun their seats around on every sharp bend. Jared and Heather bashed a lone Eric up on the dodgems even though they were told repeatedly by a grumpy old carny to take it easy.  
The carnival gradually filled up with people, lines got longer and the noise was dense with chatter, laughter and the occasional screams echoing from the Ghost Train. Jared was surprised at how much fun he was having, the initial idea of free passes all the through the summer had seemed like overkill but he warmed to idea of being able to enjoy the delights of The Promised Land whenever he wanted. He wasn’t however, in any way at all climbing onto a carousel horse.

“No, absolutely not. It’s for kids and I’m too tall to fit on them.”

“It’s the only ride we haven’t been on. Gotta do ‘em all.” Eric grinned, high on sugar and pot fumes.

“No. You two go. I’ll look after your stuff.” Jared sighed as he was immediately loaded up with soft toys, bags of cotton candy and half drunk drinks. He set everything on the ground around his feet, arms folded as watched his friends climb onto a horse each. The carousel _was_ beautiful. Old but new colorful horses with bejewelled saddles, each one painted differently to the next. They moved smoothly as the carousel turned in an almost hypnotic motion. Jared returned his friends’ waves as they passed by, that’s if Eric’s flipping Jared the bird each time could be counted as waving. The music coming from the ride, an unidentifiable pop tune faded into something more familiar. The sound of INXS thumping from speakers wired into the carousel felt kind of out of place but they were one of Jared’s favorite bands; a reward for sitting the ride out. The soft melancholy string introduction of ‘Never Tear Us Apart’ matched the gentle undulating of the horses, the vocals of Michael Hutchence thrummed as the beat kicked in. Jared had never heard the song played so loudly before, it gave him goosebumps and could feel the beat of the music under his feet. And then, he saw him. A carney weaving slowly around the horses, stepping over the moving platform with a practiced ease. He held onto the candy twist poles, moving from horse to horse like he was slow dancing. Jared pulled himself up, watching as the young man dragged himself up onto a horse, sitting backward, one hand behind him gripping the pole, legs spread over the saddle. Up and down, as if the mechanism of the ride had been adjusted to move in time with the music. And, he was looking straight at Jared.

“Oh, God.” Jared muttered to himself through gritted teeth. The carney disappeared from view as the carousel rotated but his eyes were still fixed on Jared as the ride turned. A smirk worked itself onto the guys lips, a smirk wrapped around a cigarette that sat in the corner of his mouth. “Oh, hell.” Jared inhaled his words. All he could hear was the music, and somehow the lights and the colors and the galloping horses became a backdrop to this guy. Everything else faded away, even the yells of ‘ _Hey, Jay!_ ’ were nothing but echoes, like in a dream. The world was black, just Jared and the carney who refused to stop looking. The most beautiful person Jared had ever seen; dressed like a Greaser with an oily blonde quiff and a gold hoop earring which caught the red and amber lights of the carousel. It took Jared a good few seconds to realize that the ride had stopped and that his friends were buzzing around him, retrieving their crap from around his feet and that the carney was still seated backward on his horse and he was _still_ staring.

“Hey!” Eric snapped his fingers in front of Jared’s face. “You go home?” He chuckled, giving Jared a shove.

“Huh?” Jared blinked, glancing down at Eric who was stuffing a funnel cake into his mouth.

“You okay there, man?”

“Uh, yeah. I’m fine. Just-” Jared looked over Eric’s shoulder, the horse was rider-less. “-nothing. I’m fine. I think I’m gonna head back home.”

“Are you feeling okay, Jay?” Heather asked.

“Yeah, I’m great. We can come back tomorrow, yeah?”

“Sure thing. But we’re gonna stay ‘til closing.” Eric nodded.

“Okay.” Jared threw his eyes back over the carousel; he saw nothing but kids being lifted onto the horses by their parents and no sign of the beautiful carny.

*

“Oh, I didn’t think you’d be home.” Jared said warmly as Kyra was sat curled up barefoot in the living room, clutching a glass of wine.

“I had to escape from Presley, nice guy but he could talk the hind legs off a donkey.” Kyra chuckled, moving to make room for her son on their modest couch. “Did you have a good evening?”

“Hm.” Jared nodded.

“Didn’t win anything?” Kyra asked, glancing at Jared’s empty hands.

“Nah, nearly.” Jared grinned then turned to face his mom. “Mom?”

“Hm?”

“I have something to tell you. I think.” Jared chuckled, his smile turning upside down briefly.

“Is this a ‘more wine’ conversation?”

“Yes.” 

“Fetch yourself a glass, love.”

Jared got up, grabbing himself a pink hued wine glass from their drinks cabinet. A perk of having a ‘free and easy’ parent. Alcohol whenever he wanted, which was rarely. Kyra took Jared’s empty glass and filled it will a little chilled wine as he sat down.

“Hm. I think. And when I say ‘think’ I mean, I’m not sure but might be sure that I like boys.”

“Oh.” Kyra sighed deeply. “I wondered what on earth you had to tell me for a moment.” She laughed lightly and leaned back, ready to listen.

“I mean, I know you don’t care but it’s been on my mind for a while now. Wondering and-” Jared wrinkled his nose. “-it all kind of fell into place tonight.”

“How so?”

“Dunno.” Jared shrugged, took a sip of wine from his glass and leaned back against the too many cushions on the couch. “I _have_ wondered a lot. Never had a girlfriend. Never been interested in girls that way. Only as friends but then I haven’t been interested in boys either.”

“Yeah but, high school boys, who would be?”

“Uh, I’m a high school boy.” Jared snorted.

“You know what I mean. Would you want to date anyone from school?”

“Oh God no, they’re so immature.” Jared noted the smirk on his mother’s lips. “Yeah, okay. Point taken.”

“So, what happened tonight?”

“Gorgeous boy operating the carousel.” Jared said, almost whining out the words.

“A carney?”

“Yeah, I just-” Jared sighed. “-never felt like that before. Ever.”

“How did you feel?” Kyra said softly, as close as they were, she was still cautious in her approach. Jared could share whatever he wanted, or didn’t want.

“Mom, no. I’m not telling you that. But you get it right? When you see someone and they just-” Jared couldn’t find the words and the pair fell silent for a few moments.

“I know.” Kyra nodded. “I know.”


	4. Chapter 4

The mysterious and very beautiful carny occupied Jared’s thoughts for the remainder of the night, right up until he fell asleep with a notable boner and again when he woke up the next morning, still hard as nails but keen to get back to the carnival to have another look at the vision of loveliness who had overtaken his brain. Since there was no escaping his morning glory until it had been taken care of, Jared snuck into the bathroom for a quick ‘shower’, just to relieve the discomfort. And then he was on the roof at 8am, binoculars in one hand and a slice of toast in the other. Why not spy?

Jared liked the carnival when it was quiet and dead, it had an almost ghostly feel about it. Calm and tranquil, sleeping. There were a few people milling about, smoking and drinking their morning coffee, cleaning up from the night before and working on oiling the rides and preparing food for the days festivities ahead. Jared spotted Presley, shirt-less and leaning against the steps of his caravan, scratching his fat belly as he sipped from a battered old tin cup. Jared was sure that Presley had ‘designs’ on his mom, he had taken to her but then most men did the moment they clapped eyes on her. Mostly, Jared wanted to be down there. Wanted to walk amongst the dull, silent rides and explore. Never satisfied with what was on the surface, always keen to dig a little deeper. And then, he was there. The carny.

Jared shoved the last quarter of the slice of toast into his mouth and adjusted the scope on his binoculars. The carny was topless, paler than Jared had remembered but then he had been under the glare of orange lights when he had first seen him. His back was covered in tattoos that Jared couldn’t make out but on closer inspection, seemed to be one large piece of art work rather than individual tattoos. The guys jeans were cut low on his hips and clung to his bowed thighs as he bent over to wash up from a drum of water next to his caravan. He was talking animatedly to Presley, laughing and then drying himself off with a towel he pulled from a makeshift clothes line which hung between two caravans. His hair was still as perfectly coiffed as it had been the night before, thick and heavy with gel. He looked like the old Teddy-boy rockers from the fifties and in the warm light of day, somehow managed to look even more perfect; even through a pair of binoculars. Jared sighed, resting his chin on the roof of the trailer. He wanted to get to know him, learn about his world. What it was like to travel from place to place, to live on the move constantly, dragging everything you own from state to state, month to month. He wanted to be close to him, to kiss him maybe. Jared hadn’t kissed a soul before. He had never been interested in romance or even sex of any kind before, or at least that’s what he thought. All that time, it had been nothing more than a case of ‘no one had piqued his interest’. Kyra had always said that there was just one person out there for everyone. A claim Jared approached with a touch of uneducated cynicism; not at all worldly when it came to experience in matters of the heart and body. Maybe now, he believed her. That even at sixteen, he had found ‘the one’.   
Of course the day dragged and naturally it was one of those quiet days where it felt as if no one over sixty-five needed to get their thinning hair cut by Mr. Porter, which meant it was a day of cleaning and polishing until the old man let Jared go early. A whole measly thirty minutes before closing time but Jared couldn’t get out the place fast enough and biked home so fast his calf muscles were spasming by the time he got home, legs like Jell-O as he climbed the few steps into the trailer.

“Eric was here with Heather a few moments ago. They said they’d meet you over there.” Kyra said, looking up at Jared over the top of her colorful reading glasses. Rainbow colored frames. 

“Okay.” Jared nodded as he drank from a carton of milk from the fridge.

“Glass.” Kyra said as she went back to her accounts. “Are you going to talk to him today?” She said, head still down but keen as mustard to see her son in the throws of his first possible romance.

“I dunno.” Jared shrugged. “He’s working.”

“Well.” Kyra clicked her pen. “He isn’t until the carnival opens at 6pm, so maybe since it’s your day off tomorrow, you could see him then.”

“I knew you would be like this. Sometimes, I would like it if you were not so _cool_ about parenting.”

“You can’t win with teenagers.” Kyra smirked but caught a little sadness in her sons eyes. “Are you okay?”

“Hm, been thinking.”

“You think too much.”

“Get it from you.” Jared chuckled weakly. Truth was, he had been thinking _all_ day. His thoughts about his carny had turned sour after he had flicked through a newspaper at work and come across a half page article about AIDS. It wasn’t that he was scared, more alarmed by the facts and how so many men were dying of the disease all of a sudden. ‘The Gay Disease’ the newspaper had called it. Jared had heard about HIV and AIDS long before the idea of being gay had popped into his head but it felt real and dangerous now. Not only was he underage and likely to suffer prejudice but now there seemed to be a death sentence hanging over his head too. The real facts were scant and the media _did_ love to scaremonger. “I was reading about AIDS today.” Jared closed the fridge door and parked his ass on a chair next to his mom.

“That’s a bit of leap. Eye contact with a pretty boy and now you’re scaring yourself.”

“Not scared.” Jared shook his head. “Concerned.”

“Big leap, Jared.” 

“I know.”

“Condoms, just the same as everyone else who doesn’t want to catch something they’d rather not. It’s not just gay men who have anal sex.”

“Oh, mom!” Jared slapped his hands over his ears. Hearing the words ‘anal sex’ from his mother was a hippy-dippy free-loving step too far. Kyra ignored him.

“Be safe. Be sensible. Say no if you want to. And make sure they take no as an answer. You’re not an idiot, Jared. Just, be careful. Honestly, I’m more worried about you getting your heart broken.”

“Wow, ‘worried’. Do you actually worry about me?”

“Of course I do. Just because I’m the way I am, doesn’t mean I don’t care. I know about carny men, they’re the ‘love ‘em and leave ‘em’ types.”

“Sounds like you’re trying to put me off him.”

“I’m not, I’m saying be careful.”

“Also, that you’re talking from experience, which by the way, I _do not_ want to hear about. The fact that I know how, where and when I was conceived is enough for me.” Jared smirked. “You weirdo.”

“Fine.” Kyra grinned, holding her hands up in surrender. “I won’t breath a word. Just have fun, and be cautious. But mostly have fun. The condoms I bought you are still in the bathroom.”

“Mom, stop!” Jared shook his head and stood up. “I’m going to get ready.”

“Wear that nice mint green shirt I bought you. You look handsome in that.”

“I’ll wear what I wanna.” Jared called back from his bedroom.

*

Jared wore the green shirt. A smart/casual button down with short sleeves that sat tightly around his wiry biceps. He matched it with a pair of mid-thigh length white cotton shorts and a pair of canvas summer shoes; a very off-duty Miami Vice look. Eric and Heather were throwing ping pong balls into goldfish bowls when Jared found them, having just as much giddy fun as they had been the night before. Even Heather was smiling, finding it difficult to keep up the pretense of ‘strange and unusual’.

“You look like a fag again.” Eric quipped as Jared made his presence felt between his two friends.

“Maybe-” Jared said, lowering his tone and his head, feeling bolder than his usual quiet, private self. “-it’s because I _am_ one.” 

“Huh?” Eric snorted, believing Jared at first to be playing along. But Heather knew.

“I thought so. Cool.” Heather smiled, giving Jared a friendly little bump with her hip and proving that she was ever observant even in her own quiet little world. 

“You serious?”

“Yeah, do you have a problem with it?” Jared pulled himself up to full height which both pissed Eric off and intimidated him in equal measure.

“No. Course not. Do whatever, man.” Eric shrugged but Jared noticed a subtle step back and a swift eyes up and down glance from his friend. And so it began.

“Right. So, I’m gonna get some food. Come?” 

“Nah, we paid for a few more games here, but we’ll come find you.” Eric said, still looking at Jared as if he were suddenly riddled with the flu, or something else. Jared couldn’t tell.

“I’ll be at the burger stand.” Jared muttered.

“We’ll see you there.” Heather nodded, exchanging an eye roll with her friend as he wandered off in search of food. 

That could have gone better, Jared thought to himself as he weaved through the growing crowds in search of food. Fries. He needed fries. Jared knew that Heather wouldn’t care, he could tell her anything and she would just take it all on board. Maybe, Jared thought as he lined up at the burger stand, he had been spending too much time with Eric (who drove him up the wall at the best of times) and not enough time with Heather, who was kind and thoughtful. She was going to be the support that Jared was going to need, especially if Eric continued being so lukewarm about Jared’s revelation. He plonked himself down at a table for three with a basket of fries, making a space in one corner to pile up a mound of ketchup. It was the cheap kind that was almost opaque, neon red gunk but it tasted amazing. And then he found he wasn’t alone.

“Y’know there are two types of people in this world. Those who smother and those who dip.”

Jared looked up as the carny, _his_ carny spun a chair around and sat on it backward. Uninvited and stealing a fry from Jared’s basket which he dipped into the ketchup.

“I’m a big dipper.” The carny grinned. And through his shock, Jared managed a genuine laugh.

“Is that a line?” Jared smirked through burning hot cheeks.

“D’you want it to be?”

“Perhaps.” Jared ducked his head because he just could not look at the guy. He was insanely good-looking. Teen heartthrob handsome. Movie star pin up gorgeous. It was almost insulting.

“I saw youse all yesterday, and now you’re all alone.”

Okay. GOD! Irish. Soft west coast sing-song Irish. Heaven.

“My friends are playing some game.” Jared muttered, throwing a thumb over his shoulder which could have been pointing anywhere as far as he knew. “I was hungry.”

“Lucky me. I get you all to meself for a little while. What’s your name?”

“Jared.” He nodded. “Yours?”

“Angel.” 

“Seriously?” Jared snorted because it was ridiculous but also perhaps fitting. 

“Aye, that’s what folks call me around here. But it’s not me real name.”

“What’s your real name?”

“That is need-to-know.” Angel said, tapping his perfect nose with his perfect finger while giving Jared a perfect smile.

‘ _God, you’re lovely_ ’ Jared thought to himself.

“Right, Angel it is then.”

“You always wear these girly colors? It’s not an insult, I like it. Liked it when I saw you yesterday, thought you looked kinda pretty like.”

“Oh God.” This was new territory for Jared. He had never been hit on, never himself hit on another person. He’d seen flirting in movies and such but the real life experience was a lot more terrifying. In that, he had no clue how to respond.

“I say it like it is. And-” Angel stood up, grabbing himself a handful of fries with oily fingers. “-I know you like me too.”

“Oh?”

“Hm.” Angel leaned down and whispered against Jared’s ear. “-I saw you on top of that trailer, watchin’ me this morning like. You’d make a shite spy.” Angel grinned, clicked his tongue and tossed Jared a wink. “Wait for me after closing, I’ll show you about the place.”

“Okay.” Jared nodded as his brain shut down completely. Major computing error. Dead.

“Meet me by the carousel.”

“Okay.” Jared nodded again because that was the only bodily function that was still working.

“Later, beautiful.”

Jared had been holding his breath, which came out as a deep sigh of absolute want and need as he watched Angel saunter back to his ride.


	5. Chapter 5

Jared grabbed up his basket of fries and made his way to the exit, an emergency summit with his mom was needed. Heather would have been the easier option since she was there but Eric’s presence would have made it difficult to talk. Kyra was busy cleaning, swirling around dreamily to Stevie Nicks when Jared tripped and stumbled into the trailer.

“Are you drunk?” Kyra stopped, mid-swirl as fries tumbled out of the basket and onto the floor.

“No, but I wish I was. Mom, I think I have a date.”

“Oh. Okay, well pick up those fries, I’ve just cleaned the floor. Then we’ll talk.”

“No overstepping the mark?” Jared said, now on his hands and knees throwing fries into the trash. The whole basket went in too; Jared suddenly had no appetite at all.

“What have I told you about food waste?”

“I know. Sorry.” Jared washed his hands as Kyra leaned against the kitchen sink. Arms folded, ready to listen. “The guy, the carny. He’s asked me to meet him after they shut up for the night. He’s going to show me around the place.”

“Oh, is he now?” Kyra smirked.

“Mom. Stop.”

“Sorry. So, what’s he like?”

Jared softened as he remembered, dreamily drying his hands off and mirroring his mom’s stance.

“He’s Irish. His name is Angel. And-”

“Angel, really?”

“Yeah, that’s not his real name. He wouldn’t tell me his real name.”

“Okay. How old is he?” Kyra asked cautiously.

“I don’t know. I didn’t ask, I couldn’t speak after he started flirting with me. I’m such a dumbass. But, mom. He’s so gorgeous. He’s perfect.”

“They always are.” Kyra teased. “So, are you going to meet him?”

“Well, yeah. But I wanted to ask you if it was okay. I think he’s older than me. I mean, he definitely is. Just, I don’t know by how much.”

“Tread carefully, okay?”

Jared nodded.

“I will. Oh God, he called me beautiful, mom.”

“You are.” Kyra cupped Jared’s cheek gently. “My beautiful boy, all grown up. He’s not wrong.”

“But you’re biased.” Jared chuckled.

“He isn’t, so it must be true. Be good, okay. What time does the carnival shut?”

“Midnight I think, it’s a Friday so they close later.”

“Okay, just be yourself. No lies, be safe and I’ll be right here if you need me. I’m sure Presley will be around if you feel uncomfortable.”

“Presley’s a creep.” Jared shuddered.

“No, he’s not. Just because he likes me, doesn’t make him a creep, Jared. He’s a nice man and I’m sure he’d look after you.”

“Right. Okay. I’m gonna go back. I kind of ditched Heather and Eric. He was _not_ pleased to hear that I like guys by the way.”

“He’ll come around, you know how much of a caveman Eric can be.” Kyra chuckled, adjusting Jared’s collar and pushing his hair from his eyes. “Have fun.”

“I will.” Jared kissed his mom on the cheek and made for the door. “Thanks for being such a cool mom.”

“Oh really? Yesterday you felt quite differently.”

“You’re cool and weird and I love you.”

“Ditto.” Kyra called back as Jared left the trailer, keen to spend some regular time with his friends before he threw himself into a brand new world.

*

“Where the hell have you been!?” Eric hissed as Jared, breathless again found his friends sat outside the burger hut, shouting over ‘La Bamba’ pounding from speakers on the roof of the stand.

“I had to grab something back home.” Jared lied, empty handed as he sat down opposite Eric but next to Heather.

“Which was?”

“Money.” Jared said quickly. “I had forgotten my wallet.”

“You’re acting weird.” Eric frowned.

“Then I’m in good company.” Jared countered, unable to maintain eye contact with his friends because he could just about see Angel through the crowds, helping a little girl onto a carousel horse which only made Jared like him all the more. Granted, it was part of Angel’s job to help the customers, but he look so genuinely kind and happy Jared couldn’t help a soft sigh of need escape from his lips. Heather noticed. 

“The carousel guy?” Heather asked, subtly following Jared’s eye-line. 

“Hm.” Jared nodded wistfully, feeling a burning stare coming from across the table. 

“He’s gorgeous.” Heather smiled. “He’s not usually my type, but he’s hard not to notice.”

“He’s asked me out. We’re going to meet up after close.”

“When did all this happen?” Heather sat up with interest.

“While I was eating my fries.” Jared chuckled.

“How did you buy food if you had forgotten your wallet?” Eric said, swinging back and forth on his chair like a petulant child. Or maybe just his petulant self.

“I lied, okay? Because only fifty percent of this table is being nice to me right now and you’re not the nice percent.” Jared hissed.

“It’s weird man. I always thought you and me, we’d be out there hitting on chicks and going to bars and stuff.” 

“What? We’re both sixteen. We can’t drink in bars for another five years. And honestly, Eric. You’re weird around girls. Yes, girls. Because that’s what they like to be called. Not chicks, not skirt. Girls.”

“And how the hell would you know, faggot.”

Jared and Heather gasped in unison but oddly followed it with a chuckle because basically, Eric was being a dick.

“Go home, go throw yourself in front of a dodgems car. I don’t care.” Jared stood up, Heather with him in an act of solidarity. 

“Two freaks together.” Eric scoffed, shoving his unfinished meal across the table and making quite the exit. “You can both go fuck yourselves.” And then Eric was gone.

“If he wasn’t being such a dick, I’d feel sad about all this.” Jared muttered.

“You’ve still got me.” Heather said, looking up at her friend.

“I know. And I’m glad I do. Want some cotton candy?”

“Sure thing.” Heather grinned. Pretty girl, hiding behind deathly white face powder and jet black bangs. She hooked an arm around Jared’s and gave him a squeeze. “I always liked you the best anyways.”

*

Jared was pleased to have Heather on side, she was a fun girl when she allowed her barriers to slip. Happy and cheerful, wickedly funny and as Jared found out that night, incredibly supportive. As the swell of the Friday night crowds slowly bled away, Heather stuck by her friend as Jared became increasingly nervous about his ‘date’ with Angel. 

“I can’t give you any advice on dating.” Heather said as they stood by the exit together. Jared had offered her his couch for the night since her ride home had gone AWOL. He knew his mom wouldn’t mind at all. “But you know, just be you and you can’t go wrong.”

“That’s what my mom said.” Jared chuckled, rubbing his arm and staring like a deer caught in the headlamps toward the carousel.

“You’ll be fine. He seems nice.”

“I guess. I don’t really know him yet, so I’ll let you know if you’re right.” 

“Have fun and thanks for letting me crash at yours. Your mom is so cool.”

“Anytime.” Jared grinned. “See you later.”

“Definitely.” Heather gave Jared a hard but affectionate punch on the arm and left him hovering by the exit until his feet managed to lift from the ground and drag him over to the carousel. 

*

Angel was lounging on one of the horses as if it were a hammock when Jared found him. Smoking like a chimney, eyes closed but very aware of his surroundings.

“So, you came.” Angel grinned, green eyes snapping open as he jumped from the horse onto the ground. “Didn’t think you would.”

“Why?”

“People don’t tend to trust us carnies, y’know?” Angel grinned and flicked his still lit cigarette onto the ground. 

“I’m not people.” 

“No, youse all live in trailers around here.”

“Well, they don’t move. We don’t move around in them.” Jared chuckled.

“Only the eart’ beneath your feet.” Angel said, bowing dramatically.

“Yes. I like to think that too.” 

“Want to take a ride on the Ferris Wheel wit’ me, Jared?”

“Um, sure. Is that allowed after hours?”

“Course it is. Me mate Gino will look after us. I like to stop it when it gets to the top, I like the grand views.”

“Yes.” Jared chuckled. “So do I.”

“That why you have your spying binoculars, Jared?” Angel teased, walking Jared toward the Ferris Wheel. The younger boy could feel Angel’s eyes on him the entire time; like he was taking in everything about him.

“I like a nice view.” Jared shrugged. “I love Kansas because there is so much sky. I’m not made for big cities.”

“Me neither. I like big open spaces, y’know? Mountains and plains, vast stretches of ocean.”

“Must be nice seeing so much of the country, traveling from place to place.”

“It is. I’m lucky.” Angel stopped to open the gate of one of the Ferris Wheel cars, holding it open for Jared. “Trust me. You’ll love the view.”

Jared stepped inside and sat down, Angel shut and locked the gate, sitting himself up against Jared which made the younger boys body seize for a split second. 

“Okay, Gino. Get her turnin’!” Angel yelled into the fresh midnight air. “He’ll stop us when we get to the top.”

“And then?” Jared asked. Not that he needed to, figuring pretty quickly that he was likely to get his first kiss once the wheel had reached its peak. Angel simply smirked at him as the car jolted to a start and the Ferris Wheel started to turn slowly.

“So, how old are you, Jared? I’ve been tryin’ to guess but you’re hard to age. Tall as a church steeple, you are.”

“I’m sixteen.” Jared nodded. Oh God, the nerves.

“Oh. Thought you was older.”

“Is that a problem, how old are you?”

“No, it’s not a problem.” Angel said, pulling a carton of cigarettes from the inside of his black leather biker jacket. “And me own age? Whatever you want it to be.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means, I have no fuckin’ clue how old I am. Presley said I’m twenty-seven but I could be older, could be younger. I don’t know.” Angel chuckled as he lit a cigarette. So casual about being clueless to his own age.

“How can you _not_ know how old you are?” Jared frowned.

“I drift, don’t have any ID. Me folks are still in Ireland, just got moved around a lot, y’know?”

“So, you don’t celebrate your birthday?"

“No, never.” Angel smirked, leaning back against the car casually, all eyes on Jared like he was about to eat him.

“I don’t believe you.”

“Youse regular folks can believe anything or nothing, y’know? But it’s the truth. People are too fixated on age, what does it matter in the grand scheme of life?”

“I guess.” Jared paused.

“I’m no older than thirty, I know that for sure.” 

“Okay.” Jared chuckled. “Never met anyone like you before.”

“And I doubt that you will again, Jared.” Angel said, offering Jared a drag from his cigarette which the younger boy declined. “Okay, Gino! Steady!” The Ferris Wheel came to an abrupt halt which made the car swing a little more violently than Jared would have liked. “There, look at your kingdom, beautiful isn’t it?”

“Breathtaking.” Jared said, leaning forward and taking it all in. As if luck would have it, the sky was clear that night. Not a cloud in the sky which was the darkest blue Jared had ever seen it. He lifted one hand into the air, forgetting he wasn’t alone for a moment and tried to touch the sky.

“Y’know heaven is right down here wit’ us, don’t you?” Angel said, the soft lilt of his voice cutting into the silence.

“I can’t imagine heaven being as beautiful as all this.” Jared said, turning to look at Angel. So casual and laid back, watching and listening.

“This _is_ The Promised Land after all, Jared.” 

“So, what does that make you?” Jared said, a touch of confidence in his voice.

“Your guardian angel.”


	6. Chapter 6

“What is it with you and this place? You’re called Angel, this is ‘The Promised Land’. Are you religious?” Jared kept his response pretty neutral, in some way a small attempt to prevent himself from getting swept away by Angel’s natural charm. He already felt as if he had been smacked around the head with a Valentine’s card and below the waist seemed to be getting way too excited.

“Nah, me folks were.” Angel shrugged.

“Why Angel? I really want to know why.”

“Well-” Angel flicked his cigarette over the side of the Ferris Wheel car and sidled up to Jared, one arm snaking around the younger boys shoulders. “-Angels can fall. They can become the Devil if they’re not careful. I almost did, been a bad boy me but now I live a life of redemption, y’know? It’s why I’ve got me wings.”

“Wings?”

“Aye, me wings.” Angel chuckled, pulling back from Jared to remove his leather jacket which he laid neatly over Jared’s thighs. He slipped his crisp white t shirt over his head and turned around, showing off his heavily tattooed back. It was beautiful, two intricately designed angel wings covering his entire back. Jared didn’t even think as he lifted a hand and traced around the outline with the tip of his finger, right down to Angel’s waist. 

“Wow, they’re beautiful.” Jared whispered, noting the bloody nails that seemed to pin the wings into place as part of the design. Angel clearly knew his tattoo well, throwing Jared a look over his shoulder as he felt the younger boy prod at a ‘nail’.

“They’re nailed to me, to remind me to be a good person, Jared.” Angel smiled, put his t shirt back on but left his leather jacket draped over Jared’s legs. “Which is why I’m gonna ask if it’s okay to kiss you.” 

“Yeah.” Jared nodded, still a touch dumbstruck and totally not falling in love. No way. Never. 

Ugh, completely. 

“Is that a yes, Jared?” Angel said, and Jared already loved how the carney said his name.

“Yeah.” Jared nodded again as Angel leaned in but didn’t kiss him at first, he just looked. And of course, Jared looked back even though it was almost painful to see Angel up close. Bright green eyes, a true green. A green that Jared was sure was a brand new shade. A mouth so full it was almost pornographic and as if permanently ready to kiss. “You’re gorgeous.” Jared breathed out, shaky words floating out on an exhale. Angel captured Jared’s lips with his own, gently grabbing, coaxing the boy to kiss back. It was slow and dry, no tongues, slightly parted lips. Jared could hear the sound their connected mouths were making as the kiss became heated. Deep and greedy, head-spinningly intense. Angel’s left hand disappeared under his jacket on Jared’s lap and cupped his cock which was semi hard and uncurling inside his boxers. The noise that Jared passed from his mouth into Angel’s made the carney pull away. 

“Are you okay there, Jared? You sound like you’re dying.” Angel teased, giving Jared’s cock a gentle squeeze which responded with a needy pulse.

“I wish we weren’t up here. I suddenly don’t care about the view.” Jared chuckled, leather creaking on his lap as his squirmed against the unforgiving hardness of the Ferris Wheel car.

“I would invite you back to me caravan but we only just met, I want to date you like. Take you out.”

“Your manners are annoyingly cute.” Jared smirked as the heat from Angel’s palm vanished from between his legs.

“You can’t win wit’ boys these days.” Angel teased. “I just wanted to kiss you, just to see.”

“See what?”

“If you made me feel the same as I did when I first saw you, Jared.”

“And did I?”

“Aye, you did.” Angel grabbed one of Jared’s hands and pressed it against the heavy denim covering his cock. Under thick stitching and two layers of clothes, Angel was as hard as the nails holding his wings in place.

“God.” Jared huffed.

“No, Angel.” The older boy/man said with a wry grin.

“I should get home. I told my mom I wouldn’t be late but I would really like to go out on a date with you.”

“That’s grand. I don’t work during the day, so tomorrow?” Angel said, pulling his leather jacket back on casually, as if nothing had happened between them. “I’ll take you out on me bike.”

“That was you.” Jared chuckled remembering the loan motorcyclist amongst all the caravans the first day the carnival rolled into town. “I saw you, on your motorcycle. No helmet.”

“That was me. I ride alongside the caravan sometimes. I like to feel the wind in me hair and me Harley is me pride an’ joy.”

“It’s a beautiful motorcycle.” Jared nodded.

“Even through binoculars?” Angel smirked. “Okay, Gino! Bring us down!”

“Yes, even through binoculars.” Jared chuckled.

“Hm, and now you’re getting to see all of the things you spied on up close, aren’t you Jared?”

“I am.”

“So tomorrow, come by me caravan about 8am and we’ll go out, have a picnic.”

“Okay, I’d like that.”

“I like _you_.”

“Ditto.” Jared grinned.

Angel walked Jared to the exit, grabbing him a candy apple dipped in chocolate and covered in multicolored sprinkles from a stand on the way. They kissed before they parted, no embracing, just connected eager mouths until Jared crossed the road back to Hestia Park and Angel watched him until he had disappeared from view.

*

Kyra and Heather were giggling their way through a VHS copy of ‘The Princess Bride’ that Jared had hired from the video store in town a few days previously. He hadn’t seen it yet and would have been slightly peeved by their beating him to it, if it wasn’t for the fact that he was in a very good mood. And clearly, his two best girls wanted all the gossip as he stepped inside the trailer, clutching his candy apple against his chest because they paused the movie and sat up like two little meerkats.

“So, how did it go?” Kyra asked. “Is he dreamy?”

“Mom. Dreamy, really?” 

“Well?” Heather added.

“So dreamy.” Jared sighed, plonking himself down on the arm of the couch. “We’re going out on a real date tomorrow. He’s so gorgeous, wants to take me out on a picnic on his Harley.” Jared sighed again and slid down the arm onto the cushions which made Kyra and Heather shuffle up to make space.

“Did you kiss him?” Kyra asked, head craning around Heather, grinning too much.

“I never kiss and tell.” Jared smirked. “But yes, we kissed.”

“Good?” 

“Mom, you don’t need _all_ the details.” Jared pursed his lips, unaware that he was stroking his cheek with his candy apple.

“Are you going to eat that?” Heather chuckled.

“What?” Jared realized what he was doing. “Oh, no. Maybe. Angel bought it for me. Or rather stole it and gave it to me. Don’t really like candy apples but he-” Jared noted two sets of raised eyebrows as he babbled away. “-I’m going to bed. I’m meeting Angel early in the morning.”

“Okay, love.” Kyra smiled, refraining from asking more questions.

“Sleep well, night.”

“Night, Jared.” Heather grinned.

“Night, weirdos.” 

*

Sleep evaded Jared for a good hour as he went over the events of the evening. They had barely been together for more than an hour but Angel’s natural charisma and movie-star looks had Jared’s mind and body working overtime until he finally persuaded his brain to shut down a little after 2am. Who needs sleep anyway? Kyra was still asleep in her own bedroom and Heather was soundo on the couch when Jared got up to slip into the shower, getting ready in near silence since he was keen to have Angel be the first person who spoke to him that day. He put on a pair of mid-thigh length stone wash denim shorts and a fitted white t shirt with blue horizontal stripes. Jared enjoyed clothes and the fashions of the day unlike Angel whom Jared had only ever seen dressed like John Travolta in Grease. But the look suited him very well.

Angel was waiting by the entrance to ‘The Promised Land’, smoking and drinking from a tin cup as Jared crossed the road from Hestia.

“Good mornin’, sailor.” Angel grinned, eying Jared’s outfit of the day.

“Oh God, is that what I look like, a sailor?” Jared grinned, Angel’s confidence was already rubbing off on him and kissed Angel before he could answer. An early morning kiss tasting of nicotine and caffeine. 

“Nautical.” Angel nodded once his lips were free. “I like it. C’mon, I’ll show about the place before we head off.”

The carnival felt as if it had died and what had been left behind was nothing more than a carcass devoid of the spark of life, but Jared kind of liked it more than the bells and whistles of the lights and music. And he told Angel as much.

“I like it when it’s like this.”

“Why’s that, Jared?” 

“I suppose it’s the calm, you see it all for what it really is.” Jared said wistfully. 

“Which is?”

“A facade.” 

“Well, you’re a cheery one.” Angel smirked. “This is me livelihood.” 

“Sorry, I don’t mean to offend you.” Jared chuckled as they stopped by the Tilt-A-Whirl.

“I don’t offend easy, Cherry.”

“Good.” Jared nodded. “Cherry?”

“Hm. You’re a virgin. A cherry ripe for the pickin’.” 

“Wow, that’s an assumption.” Jared felt uncomfortable for the first time in Angel’s company, and a touch foolish because Angel was right on the money. “Is that why you want me?”

“No, but I see you _do_ offend easy.”

“Well played.” Jared chuckled, looking up at the old-timey design of the lifeless ride and noting that it wasn’t called a ‘Tilt-A-Whirl’ at all. “Why is this called a Waltzer?” Jared pointed at the beautiful gold font.

“Because that’s what it’s called.”

“Oh.”

“I have a story about this ride.” Angel flicked his cigarette away and offered Jared his hand to step up onto the platform to take a seat.

“I feel like you would have an interesting story about your bathroom habits.” 

“Aye, I think you might be right.” Angel grinned as they sat down on the padded leather seats. “I came over from Liverpool with this ride. It’s an antique.”

“Hold on.” Jared interrupted. “If you have no ID and have no clue how old you are, how the hell did you get into the US?”

Angel merely raised his eyebrows at Jared which was distracting because now in broad daylight, he could see that Angel’s face was _smothered_ in freckles; even on his eyelids.

“Are you going to listen to the story?” Angel grinned. “All will be revealed when-” He paused. “-why are you staring me, Jared?”

“Um, freckles. You have a lot freckles on your face.”

“I have a lot of freckles _everywhere_.” Angel grinned, arms stretched out across the metal frame of the ride and opened his legs casually. Jared’s eyes flicked south. “Aye, there. Now let me tell you this story.”

“Sorry.” Jared smirked. He wasn’t.

“So, I was bumming around Ireland. I come from Cork but I found meself in Dublin for a time. I get bored fast and trust me when I say, Jared, I love Ireland but I needed to see more of the world y’know? So I blagged my way onto a boat and found meself in Liverpool, it’s where I met Presley by chance in some pub. We got to talking about life and the like, he told me about his carnival in America. I have family in the states, no one close but it gave us some kind of a connection, y’know? Long story short, he was bringing this old girl over by ship.” Angel said, rubbing the polished metal seat affectionately. “He got me on the boat, paid me to keep an eye on her. Y’know, no questions asked. Paid the captain some hush-hush money to get me over here. And here I am, five years later.” Angel chuckled as Jared sat rapt with the carney’s tale about how he ran away to join the traveling carnival. “I’ve been a bit of a toerag in me time but I have to keep me nose clean now, can’t get caught. They’d send me back to Ireland.”

“So, you’re an illegal immigrant.” Jared said softly, but without accusation in his tone.

“Aye, in a country made by immigrants.” Angel smirked.

“Fair point.” Jared sighed. “My life isn’t nearly as exciting as that.”

“Are you not excited now, Jared?”

“Depends on what you mean by ‘excited’.” Jared grinned.


	7. Chapter 7

Jared enjoyed seeing behind-the-scenes and learning some of the little secrets that the paying public never got to see. He met a few of the other travelers and found himself cornered by Presley who seemed more than thrilled to see that Jared had finally warmed to he idea of the carnival right on his doorstep.

“I knew you’d come around eventually.” Presley grinned at Jared, as Angel prepared his motorcycle, loading it up with what looked like one of those old wicker picnic baskets Jared had only only ever seen in period films.

“Yes, I’ve been swayed.” Jared chuckled.

“The Promised Land has all kinds of temptations.” Presley smirked, glancing in Angel’s direction. “He’s a fine man, you could do a lot worse.” The older man chuckled to himself, laughing as he walked away as if he told some hilarious joke to a larger audience.

“Is he always like that?”

“Aye, who would want the owner of a traveling carnival to be a miserable old bastard?” Angel said, climbing onto his motorcycle which lowered as he sat down. “But sometimes, he _is_ a miserable old bastard.” He shrugged.

“No helmets?”

“No.”

“You do realize that if we got caught without them, then we’d both get into trouble.”

“Who are you, Jared? The helmet police. I had enough run-ins with the Garda to know how to handle the cops.” Angel smirked.

“Garda?”

“The police, in Ireland.”

“Well, you _will_ be dealing with the police in Ireland again if you get busted for a traffic violation here. They’d deport you.” Jared grinned.

“Is this what having a mother is like, Jared?” Angel teased, before lifting a leg and giving the kickstand a flick with his boot. “I’ll get us a helmet each then.” 

“I’m just preventing you from getting into trouble. I don’t want you to get sent home.”

“I am home.” Angel said softly. “And you’re very sweet, so you are.”

“Oh God.” Jared bit his lip as Angel jumped up into his caravan in search of helmets. The carney’s soft, lilting Irish accent was doing wonders for Jared whose mind conjured up a scenario where he and Angel were making out and all he could hear was that voice, words of gentle encouragement in his ear as they both-.

“Jared!” Angel yelled. “Are you day dreaming?”

“Oh, yeah. Sorry.” Jared snapped out of his fantasy and took the helmet that Angel was holding out for him. 

“This is gonna mess me hair right up.” Angel smirked as he slid a black helmet over his head.

“As opposed to an accident that could mess your gorgeous face right up.” Jared countered.

“Get on and hold me waist.” Angel climbed onto the motorcycle and glanced over his shoulder as Jared got on, too long legs curling up, knees digging into Angel’s hips. “Now, isn’t this cozy?” He grinned.

Unsurprisingly, Angel rode _fast_ but with skill and accuracy which helped rid Jared’s initial fears. The ride was exhilarating and thrilling, watching the plains zip by as he held onto Angel’s body, breathing in leather and the familiar fresh air of his beloved home state. They sped down long, seemingly endless empty roads which felt as if were just for them. Jared hadn’t ever felt so terrified nor safe at the same time before, he felt more alive than he ever knew possible and as they approached a lake that was to be their picnic setting for the day, Jared pushed away the sudden thought that Angel wasn’t going to be around forever.

*

Jared’s legs were like Jell-O as he dismounted, pulling the helmet off, revealing slightly damp hair which was stuck to his forehead. As Angel removed his helmet, his hair bounced back to life as if he were in a hair product commercial. It was almost maddening.

“God, I feel all wobbly.” Jared chuckled.

“That’s the engine.”

“Oh?”

“Hm.” Angel glanced at Jared with a wry smile. “Are you _really_ interested in the engine or would I just be wasting me breath talking about it?”

“Not interested in the slightest.” Jared grinned. 

“Just as I thought.” Angel handed Jared a rolled up picnic blanket, he himself taking up the basket. “Now, this is your land. Where is there a nice secluded spot for us?” 

“Uh.” Jared spun around, he hadn’t been to this particular lake for a long while and it took a moment for him to get his bearings. "Over there.” He nodded toward a small, romantic wooded area, thick with trees and a bank sloping down to the lake.

“Okay, lead the way.” 

Angel walked slightly behind Jared which he found odd since there was more than enough room on the path to the lake for them to wall side by side but Angel’s intention soon became clear.

“You have a nice little behind there, Jared. It’s like a peach.”

“Ripe for the picking?” Jared smirked, glancing over his shoulder.

“You got me.” Angel laughed and caught up with Jared. “Have you always liked the boys, Jared?”

“Um, I guess. Kind of. I’ve never been interested in anyone before.”

“So, Angel is your first everything?”

“Yes, I suppose ‘Angel’ is.”

“I ne’er was struck before that hour, wit’ love so sudden and so sweet; His face it bloomed like a sweet flower and stole me heart away complete.”

Jared’s feet scuffed against the dry, summer arid path as Angel spoke. He blinked slowly, kind of awe struck by Angel’s words.

“What was that?” Jared asked, Angel was smiling back at him, perhaps a little smug.

“A poem by John Clare. I love poetry. Does that surprise you, Jared?”

“Yeah, it does.” Jared chuckled as they continued their short walk, stopping again by the bank of the lake.

“I didn’t go to school much. But I taught meself whatever I was interested in and poetry got me. I write a bit too.” 

“Are you even a real person?” Jared chuckled, shaking his head as he rolled the blanket out and laid it on the ground. 

“I am as real as you want me to be, I’m only ever going to be honest wit’ you, Jared.”

“I trust you.” Jared said, sitting down on the blanket, very quick to trust this boy/man, whatever he was. Dream. Fantasy. Inexplicably beautiful gift. Personification of Irish charm.

“I tell everything like it is. I don’t see the point of lying to impress. I have a past, I’ve not done anything _that_ bad but I did my time.”

“Prison?” Jared blinked.

“Aye, for a short while.” 

“Oh, okay.”

“It wasn’t for anything violent, Jared. At least not on my part. You don’t have to worry your pretty head.”

“What was it?”

“Uh. I got meself caught up with a gang. Or rather a friend of mine did and I went along for the ride. They did over a post office and I was driving the getaway car, I went in with blinkers on. Didn’t realize what I was getting meself into. I got locked up.”

“That’s crazy.” Jared was worrying his bottom lip without realizing what he was doing.

“I’m a good boy these days, Jared.” Angel assured.

“Hold on, if you’ve been arrested they must have had your personal details on file. Even in court, your date of birth would have been read out.”

“Uh, well I kind of spent me time in prison under the name Micheal Sheehan.” Angel shrugged.

“How?” Jared had to laugh because it was like some crazy movie plot.

“Like I said, I knew some bad people and bad people know other bad people who can forge stuff.”

“I don’t believe you.” Jared said, blinking in disbelief. Actual disbelief. 

“Believe what you like, Jared. It was a long time ago and I don’t mix in those kind of circles any more.” Angel grinned.

“Fine, but it’s still an unbelievable story. You’ve had a very interesting life.” Jared shook his head.

“I have, I still have. Not as interesting as it this very moment though.” Angel grinned.

“So, how many years were you in prison for?” 

“Tree.”

Jared smirked because the way Angel said ‘three’ as ‘tree’ made him go weak at the knees.

“Tree?”

“Are you taking the piss out of me accent now, Jared?” Angel grinned and within seconds had Jared pinned on the ground, laying on top of him and pushing his sweaty bangs from his eyes.

“No, not at all. It’s dreamy.” Jared sighed.

“Guess what?”

“What?”

“You’re not dreaming.” Angel whispered as he kissed Jared, long and slow. Soft, full lips open and eager. Jared had no real experience but Angel felt like an expert. His hands roamed over all the right places, the pressure he used was just enough to send Jared’s hips rolling up and cause a desperate rush of blood straight to his cock. “Hm, you kiss very nicely.” Angel hummed, smacking his wet, kiss stung lips together.

“It’s great to get a good report on my third kiss ever.” Jared muttered.

“Keepin’ count?”

“With you? Yeah.”

“Fall in love wit’ me Jared.” Angel sighed, smiling as Jared’s eyes popped open at the keen request. And who was Jared to say no?

“Okay.”

*

Jared was instructed to lay out the picnic food which was a surprising array of dainty little sandwiches, cans of soda, small handmade cakes which Angel referred to as ‘fairy cakes’ smothered in white icing and sprinkles. Two Red Delicious apples sat in one corner of the basket like snacks of temptation. And while he ‘played mother’ Angel kept himself busy by rolling them a ‘nice fat joint’. The carney was surprised to hear that Jared wasn’t new to soft drugs and booze, calling American parents a ‘ _bunch of stiffs who don’t give their kids enough freedom_ ’. Jared was an exception to the observation.

“So, your ma just lets you smoke pot when you like, Jared?” Angel asked, soft pink tongue sliding along the cigarette paper. Two small ones stuck together with spit to make a larger one.

“Not so much when I like, but she figured it would be something I’d tried eventually and she smokes it.” Jared shrugged. “She said she would rather have me smoking in a safe environment than with some traveling Irishman who I barely know.” Jared smirked as a little bit of color drained from Angel’s face but who then quickly got the joke.

“Fair play.” Angel chuckled. “And if it makes you feel any better, Presley got this weed for me.” He grinned. “From your ma.”

“Why doesn’t that surprise me?” Jared shook his head. 

“She's different, aye?”

“Very, she was fifteen when she had me. She’s an amazing woman, did right by me all these years. She’s my best friend.”

“And your father?”

“He’s in India, or so we think. The last correspondence we got from him said so. He keeps in touch.”

“When you think how your folks met, all those years ago. They fell love, they fucked and nine months later they had you, only to find yourself sixteen years later, sitting here wit’ me and falling in love yourself.”

“Why do you want me to fall in love with you?” Jared said softly, pushing the swirl inside his stomach away with the flat of his hand.

“Because love is what makes the world go around, Jared. Love comes in many guises and I believe folks are too cautious about letting themselves succumb to it. They’re scared of getting hurt but that’s a part of the human experience. Love and hurt, they come together. You shouldn’t ever be afraid to fall in love because the pain it brings with it-”

“I don’t want to feel pain.” Jared interrupted. “I don’t want to get hurt, it sounds horrible.”

“It’s not. Trust me. I’ll fall in love wit’ you too and this will be the summer of ‘88 that we’ll always remember.” Angel said wistfully, lighting up his joint.

“That makes me feel sad.” Jared sighed.

“If you think love is purely a happy thing, you have a lot to learn.”

“Don’t patronize me.” Jared smirked and snatched up the joint from Angel’s fingers. He laid back and took a long hit, looking up at the over-hanging trees framing the cloudless blue sky above his head. “The summer of love.” He hummed.

“Our summer of love.” Jared heard Angel say.

“I have never met anyone like you before.” Jared glanced at Angel who was propped up on one elbow, jacket-less and watching Jared intently.

“Aye, you said that yesterday. Say something different. Say how you really feel. I don’t see the point in keeping thoughts to meself and you shouldn’t either. I said that I would always be honest wit’ you, Jared. So be honest wit’ me.”

Jared was high already, Angel hadn’t been lying about the ‘nice fat joint’ packed solid with more pot than the rolling tobacco he had cut it with. He sighed, he did that a lot lately because words were evading him with a frustrating regularity of persistence. Angel seemed to do all the talking between the two of them. Intense and fast, quick to want to love and hiding no shame about the possibility of heartbreak as if it were an acceptable human experience. Jared could do everything in his power to avoid being hurt, to watching Angel leave and never come back but there was no power in him. Angel had taken it but had asked permission first.

“I want to spend every waking moment of my life with you. I want to ditch my friends and my job for the summer, just to be with you. I don’t care about anything that was important to me before you. Everything is just, you now. There’s nothing else.” Jared was rambling but it was honestly voiced. And Angel seemed to love that.

“Chapter one, page one. We’re both on it.” Angel cocked his head and locked his lips over Jared’s, sucking a smokey exhale into his mouth. And so began their summer of love.


	8. Chapter 8

The boys were topless and soaking in the sun by the time the joint had been smoked right down to the roach. The sun reflecting off the lake made them feel warmer still until they retreated to under a shady tree to share an apple. One bite each with Angel in charge of the forbidden fruit, still laid out on his side and stuck with sweat against Jared’s flank as the boy snaked an arm around the carney’s waist. It was chaste but loving. Jared had been hard from the moment he watched Angel’s perfect white teeth take a bite out of the apple, his shorts tenting as his cock sat needfully against the crook of his thigh. Jared couldn’t even feel ashamed by it, because he could feel that Angel was hard too, even through the bulk of his heavy fly Jared could feel it against his hip. Thick, he thought. Heavy too. Meaty and weighty, and no doubt wet. His thoughts came out as a whine as Angel pressed the apple against his lips.

“I’m so turned on.” Jared muttered, pushing Angel’s hand away.

“I don’t fuck on a first date, Jared.” Angel said with sincerity in his voice.

“It’s technically our second.” 

“I don’t fuck on the second date either.”

“I’m not asking to fuck, Angel.” Jared said, the name sounding strange since it was the first time he had used it to address him.

“What’s your real name? I wanna know.” 

“Why?”

“Because I want to know everything about you. Is it Micheal Sheehan?”

“No, it’s not. Fifth date, and I’ll tell you me name.” Angel smirked, setting the half eaten apple down on the blanket behind him. His fingers moved over the drawstring of Jared’s shorts and undid the knot, slow and careful. The action made no difference to Jared’s state of undress since the waistband of his shorts was elasticated.

“Okay.” Jared nodded, ass lifting from the ground so he could push his shorts down.

“Take your boxers off too, darlin’.”

“Fuck. God.” Jared muttered, eyes flicking to one side to look at Angel as he pulled his clothes down mid thigh. His cock sprung back, pointing north as his thighs were hugged by two tight waistbands, no give to spread his legs.

“Hm. That’s beautiful.” 

“What is?” Jared said, playful and high.

“Your pretty prick.”

“Fuck. Where the hell have you come from?” 

“Heaven, don’tcha know.” Angel smirked before curling his head over Jared’s body and sucking half of his ‘pretty prick’ into his mouth. Jared’s hips snapped up but were pushed down almost as fast as they had risen. He knew there was no chance of laying back and enjoying a long, drawn out blow job. Too turned on, too young, too inexperienced to hold himself back but he kind of got the feeling that Angel wouldn’t care if he blew his load that very moment. Angel’s hair felt soft as Jared grabbed it, a carefully styled ‘DA’ free of product at the back of his head. Soft and thick, the skin underneath had been warmed by the sun and Jared concentrated on tracing a smattering of freckles on his neck with the tip of his little finger in a vain attempt at holding off his orgasm as Angel expertly sucked him off; head bobbing, neck twisting at just the right speed. There was no urgency but no teasing either as Angel felt around Jared’s length with the tip of his tongue. A ‘getting to know you’ exploration. 

“I’m gonna come.” Jared hissed through gritted teeth, spit sparking from between them. As he tipped his head back, the crown pressing into the ground underneath him, he felt Angel’s summer warmed finger and thumb grip the root of his cock. One squeeze and a suck/twist and Jared was coming; his ass and heels dug into the blanket, knees up, back arched and literally _feeling_ his come as it was sucked greedily from his body. The world stopped turning for a moment as Jared’s head spun violently, causing him to screw his eyes tight shut as he let out a ‘ _thank fuck we’re alone_ ’ whine. Jared opened his eyes, realizing he was missing out on watching Angel at work and just in time caught the carney tipping his head back, the column of his throat bobbing as he swallowed with a look of bliss on his face. Jared couldn’t imagine anything look as hot and sexual as Angel swallowing his come and loving every second. “I-” Nothing. “-I.”  


Angel dropped his head, green eyes flung open wide, a droplet of come hanging from his bottom lip which was swiped away and sucked into his mouth with the tip of his tongue.

“I don’t like speechless. Tell me what you’re really thinking, Jared.”

“Leave that mouth behind before you go.” Jared whispered, tugging on Angel’s hair, still clinging onto the moment.

“And?”

“Say you love me now because I don’t want you to wait until the end of summer. I don’t want to fuck around with social politeness or being too scared. Tell me you love me now, even if you don’t mean it.”

Angel leaned over Jared’s face, a blotchy sweaty mess of too much sun. He pushed Jared’s hair from his forehead, using his sweat as a natural product, quietly styling it so he could see every inch of Jared’s pretty face.

“I love you, Jared.” Angel said, still playing about with Jared’s hair, a look of determination in his eyes until the boys hair was parted to one side and curled back around his ears. “And I _do_ mean it. I said I’d always be honest wit’ you. And I don’t fuck around wit’ me feelings and I won’t fuck around wit’ yours. Why should love be any less valid whether it’s new love or old love, quick love or slow love?”

“It shouldn’t.”

“Chapter one, page two.”

“Yeah.” Jared welcomed the soft kiss Angel pressed against his lips as he whispered ‘ _I love you too_ ’ softly into his mouth.

*

The date ended just before dusk since Angel had to work and Jared wanted to use a little of that time away from the carney to ground himself. The pot had worn off leaving him listless and hungry. Even on the journey home riding pillion Jared could have fallen asleep against the warmth of Angel’s leather jacket. The motorcycle pulled up just outside the entrance to Hestia Park, Angel told Jared to hold onto the helmet and made the boy promise to come by the carnival later so they could hang out after the close. They kissed slow and loving before they parted and Jared stood watching Angel ride through the gates of ‘The Promised Land’ until he had vanished from view. 

There was a note from Kyra on the kitchen counter when Jared walked into the empty trailer, suddenly glad to be alone so that he could think clearly without a barrage of questions from his mom.

_Fresh salad in the fridge, took Heather home, having dinner with her family_.  
_Be back later, Mom x_

Jared forwent the salad, a futile meal when a person was attempting to stave of post-pot hunger. He cooked himself up some eggs and bacon, inhaled it the moment he dished the food up onto his plate and then left the dishes for later. Jared collapsed onto his bed with a full belly and a mind full of Angel and fell into a deep hour long power nap which wasn’t as much sleep as he wanted but both his body and mind was keen to get back to Angel. Jared had done little to tempt the Irishman, rolling up at the carnival with Eric and Heather, resplendent in pastel board shorts. More Miami Beach than the plains of Kansas and Angel had swept him off his feet but Jared wanted to impress him further; to try something a little more seductive, like when Joan Collins in Dynasty slips into a sexy negligee to seduce her men. That thought caused even more confusion as Jared sat on the end of his bed looking at the contents of his closet.

“What the hell do men wear to look sexy?” Jared muttered to himself. He knew Angel well enough already to know what he would say. “You don’t need to dress up for me, Jared.” The boy said in the worst Irish accent he had ever heard in his life. “I am not doing _that_ accent again.” The only clothes Jared had were his own collection of stylish shirts and summer shorts, nothing that screamed ‘ _look at me_ until he spotted a box of old clothes he had packed away in the back of his closet because they were too small. Growth spurts were a bitch when you really enjoyed buying clothes. “Okay, go tighter or go home.” 

Fifteen minutes later, Jared was stood in front of his mirror pulling a pair of tiny blue gym shorts out of his ass crack (boxers were not an option) which he had teamed with a white racer back vest that had an image of a sunset on it. Or half a sunset because Jared had taken a pair of scissors to it and turned it into a crop top. Oddly slutty he thought to himself as he pulled a pair of white gym socks up to just below his knee caps. He styled his hair just as Angel had that afternoon and took one last look in the mirror. Okay, so he _did_ look slutty, very gay and very much like he should have been in Olivia Newton-John’s ‘Physical’ music video. All Jared cared about was how Angel would react. It could go either way.

*

No one batted an eyelid as Jared walked through the pearly gates of the ‘The Promised Land’, it was the eighties after all and even in small town Kansas the excess was being embraced by the younger generation. Jared though, felt somewhat self conscious but then a person would when they’re sixteen, horny and in-love and publically seducing their boyfriend. Boyfriend? Is that was Angel was? He never said they were. This thought then dredged up many unnecessary questions. What if he was going around seducing _all_ the closeted and out boys in town. What if he was bisexual and hitting on girls too? What if, that was what he did, put it around all over town and Jared, the chump had fallen for the poetry, the charm, the pretty green eyes and speedy declarations of love. The sudden paranoia overwhelmed him until he took it upon himself to spy on Angel, to watch him at work, to try and catch the Carney Casanova out. But Jared saw nothing untoward as Angel helped customers onto the carousel horses. Pretty blondes who looked as smitten as Jared was and good-looking boys all went ignored by the young man. Boy. Whatever he was. Jared was just about to make his way toward the carousel when he heard it. A jibe coming from behind him above the din of the carnival.

“What the fuck are you meant to be, you shit-stabbing faggot?” The jibe was followed by snickering and another slur. “Gypsy fag lover.”

Jared turned around, Eric was huddled at a table with two boys who he knew to be cousins of his now ex friend. A couple of redneck ‘Billy-Bob’s’ with no manners and narrow minds. The comment hadn’t come from Eric who was half smirking so as not to lose face and half alarmed by the blatant homophobia from his family members toward the boy whom he had once called his best friend.

“Are you gonna stick up for me, or is that it now for us?” Jared hissed, directing his anger at Eric because he wasn’t going to give the cousins his time of day.

“You used to be normal.” Eric shrugged, scoffing at Jared’s ‘I’m the basketball teams’ resident slut’ outfit.

“You used to be my friend.” Jared could see the guilt in Eric’s eyes. The look of a boy who had got in too deep with the name-calling and could see no way out to redeem himself.

“Don’t want to be friends with a faggot.”

“That’s fine.” Jared held his hands up. “At least I’m getting my dick sucked.” 

So the trio of homophobes did not know what to do with that information, Jared knew that despite his boasting Eric was perpetually unlucky in love and sex.

“Dirty.” Eric muttered.

“You’ll probably get AIDS from that carney’s cock.” A cousin swiped.

Jared opened his mouth to retort once again. A typical Cancerian, usually non-confrontational but once you got them started in an argument, they rarely stopped but on that occasion Jared simply flipped them the bird and walked away with a defiant swing of his hips all the way to his favorite new ride.


	9. Chapter 9

Jared stopped by the candy stand and bought himself a cotton candy flavored heart shape sucker on the way to seduce Angel. Overkill maybe but the carney had ignited something inside Jared. A need to impress by being overtly sexual. Sure, he didn’t have to but Jared had felt switched on the moment Angel looked at him for the first time. Sexy even. The negative thoughts? Buried deep down in the back of his mind.

The carousel was in full swing as Jared leaned against a post decorated with pink and yellow ribbon which at the top housed a loud speaker. Angel was fiddling with a cassette tape, using his pinky to coil the tangled reel back into the cassette which he did successfully and within moments, INXS played out from the ride. ‘Never Tear Us Apart’ which Jared now thought of as ‘their song’. The boy pushed himself away from the post and walked around the carousel until he caught Angel’s eye. The carney froze on the spot, one hand gripping the pole of an empty horse. He eyed Jared hungrily and weaved his way through and around the horses to keep from being spun away from the view in front of him. Angel could do little else but roll his eyes with pleasure and bite into his fist, the music was too loud to be heard above and jumping from the ride to abandon the ‘riders’ was a no-no. The gesture was all he could do.

It was just them as Angel walked in the opposite direction of the ride, not wanting to lose sight of Jared. All long legs and red candy lips. The lights blurred and the ambient noise of the crowds faded; it was like they were seeing one another again for the first time and Jared wondered if there was possibly anyone else in the world who could make him feel like Angel made him feel just by looking at him; eyes locked together in a shared pledge of love and lust.

“Wind it up!” The yell came from just behind Jared, Presley shouted at Angel to stop the ride that had gone on longer than was permitted. Jared jumped out of his skin, pulling the sucker from between his lips as Presley sidled up to him.

“You’re a health and safety hazard.” The old man smirked as the usually cool and calm Angel fumbled around stopping the ride and helping people from their horses.

“I was just standing here.” Jared muttered.

“Hm.” Presley raised his eyebrows. “Just don’t distract him while he’s working. These rides might look pretty but they’re dangerous pieces of machinery.”

“Fine.” Petulance wasn’t one of Jared’s dominating characteristics but he liked to get the trait out for an airing once in while and that was usually because he was overwhelmingly embarrassed.

“He gets off for a break in ten minutes.” Presley chuckled. “And don’t worry, neither of you are in trouble.”

“Thanks.” Jared frowned before changing tact completely as a thought popped into his head. “How old is Angel? He doesn’t seem to know. He said you said he was twenty-seven but how would you know if you only met him five years ago?”

“I think he looks twenty-seven.” Presley shrugged.

“So it was a guess?”

“Why are you townies so obsessed with age?” Presley chuckled.

“We’re not but it is usual for people to know when they were born.” Jared frowned, not satisfied with Presley’s answer.

“For you maybe, I mean look at you. You’re sixteen going on twenty-one.” The old man cocked a bushy eyebrow. “Angel has had a troubled life, but that’s not for me to tell.”

“He seems happy though.”

“He is now, but it wasn’t always the case. Thing with Angel is, he’s an open book and he’ll tell you about himself when he’s ready, but don’t push it. Underneath the charm and the smiles is a lost boy but I’ve seen a difference I’ve never seen before in him since he met you. Leaving you is going to be a real test of his strength of character.” Presley gave Jared a soft smile but the boy hated the sadness in the old mans eyes as he gave Jared a gentle squeeze of his shoulder, taking his leave without another word. 

*

Ten minutes feels like ten days when you’re waiting for your gorgeous first love to take his break but it passed eventually and Jared was dragged around the back of the carousel for a heated make out session. All wet eager mouths and roaming hands.

“You look fucking beautiful, Jared. Like a wet dream, so you are.”

“I thought I’d make an effort.” Jared smirked as Angel slipped a thick thigh between his skinny tan legs.

“You don’t have to do anything to tempt me but the effort is more than appreciated.” Angel smirked. “Are you here alone?”

“Yeah, Heather is with my mom and Eric hates me because I’m a ‘gypsy loving fag’.” Jared rolled his eyes.

“I’m not a gypsy and there would be no shame in it if I were.”

“I know.” Jared moaned as thick thigh met keen boy cock.

“Some folks here are Romanichal but I’m not. I’m just your bog-standard Irish traveler.” 

“There is nothing ‘bog-standard’ about you, Angel.” Jared sighed.

“Listen.” Angel pulled back which felt like a crime against making out and took a bunch of keys from his pocket. “Since you’re all alone, why don’t you wait for me in me caravan.” He dangled the keys in front of Jared’s face as if they were a part of his play and the boy snatched them playfully from his hand. “There’s beer in the fridge and some pre-rolled joints if you fancy getting yourself all high and horny for me.” 

“How long will you be?”

“Well, you know that we close at midnight, Jared.”

“Oh, yeah.” Dumbass.

“There’s a TV too and some videos if you get bored. I don’t like the idea of me boy looking like this and being all alone. Anyone could snap you up.” Angel grinned, giving Jared’s narrow hips a gentle shake which made the boys ass wobble. 

“I’m your boy, am I?”

“Of course you are. I’m a one boy man, Jared. And I hope you’re a one man boy.”

“I am.”

“Now, I should get back to it.” Angel cupped Jared’s cheek, one thumb rubbing over his sticky red lips.

“How will I know which caravan is yours?” Jared asked, a legitimate question he thought since there were quite a few that looked similar.

“It’s the one with the big shiny Harley Davidson parked outside.” Angel chuckled.

“Oh, yes. God. I’m so dumb. I can’t think straight when I’m around you.” 

“You think exactly how you’re meant to think around me.” Angel said, grabbing Jared’s cock in a movement so sudden it made Jared gasp. “Not straight. Bent.” 

“Fuck.”

“Fifth date and then we’ll fuck.”

Another heated kiss was exchanged before they parted as Angel left Jared to calm down since there was no way he was going to walk to the other side of the carnival with a massive ‘no-boxers’ boner.

*

Jared felt a touch conspicuous letting himself into Angel’s cute little wooden caravan while being watched by wary travelers, clearly wondering why this young slutty looking townie boy was hanging around. He let himself in, excited to learn more about his Irish boy. The space was small, dimly lit but cozy. There was a seating area with a padded bench which doubled as a couch with a table set in front. At the other end, a nook which was nothing but bed, piled high with cushions and pillows. The ceiling was low and draped with hanging voile’s around a colorful Moroccan style lamp. It looked dreamy and romantic and the sight left Jared standing in the middle of the caravan in a world of his own as he imagined rolling about naked with Angel; kissing and exploring.   
Away from the bed and the dreamy thoughts it conjured up was a small refrigerator on the tiny kitchen counter covered in fridge magnets; one of which Jared knew to be the Irish flag, another of the Harley Davidson logo and what looked like one magnet for every state that Angel had visited which were many. Jared took a beer from the fridge, popping it open against the end of the counter, wandering over to the seating area and finding a small double tape deck player with a box of cassette tapes. He knew Angel wouldn’t mind him rooting through the box as it was clearly the carney’s mix-tape station for the carousel. In amongst a few modern pop compilation albums, Angel’s personal collection was largely fifties and sixties rock n’ roll and soul. Kyra had always told Jared that you can tell a lot about a person by the kind of music they listened to; so Jared hit play to find out more about the ageless Angel he had fallen in love with.

_Dream lover, where are you_   
_With a love, oh so true_   
_And the hand that I can hold_   
_To feel you near as I grow old_

Jared had heard the song before and found the case for the cassette to confirm that it was ‘Dream Lover’ by Bobby Darin, an old tune that his grandpa would always play at Christmas. Jared imagined Angel rocking in the caravan with Elvis style hips and combing his quiff with precision as he danced. The thought of it made him smile as he leaned back and took in Angel’s modest home. He could easily live in it, even though both he and Angel were tall, he would happily give up the ability to stand up straight in favor of a romantic life on the road with the traveling carnival. Jared was so utterly smitten and in love that even the negative thoughts he had been nursing earlier in the day had gone. So what if Angel had to move on at the end of the summer? Jared would naturally move on with him; at sixteen his mother already had a one year-old child. She had created a life with the man she had fallen in love with when she was fifteen. Jared had every right to feel the way he did and nothing was going to stop him being with Angel forever.

*

“It’s only 11.30.” Jared said, three beers and Eddie Cochrane’s greatest hits later as Angel let himself into the caravan. 

“I faked a belly ache because I missed you.” Angel grinned, closing the door behind him and taking two huge strides toward Jared, planting a rough, keen kiss against his lips. “I hope you saved some beer for me.” He said, after he had come up for air.

“Since that is all that’s in your fridge, yes I did.” Jared grinned. 

“So, what do you think of me humble abode?” Angel asked, getting up and grabbing himself a beer.

“I love it, it’s cozy. I’ve been listening to your music collection.”   
Jared said as Angel sidled up to him on the tiny couch.

“That so?”

“Hm, it’s music my grandpa listens to.”

“Well, I not as old as your grandpa.” Angel smirked around the rim of his beer bottle. “I don’t much go in for the modern music, I only buy it for the ride, I make tapes y’know so that the kids can hear the music they like.”

“The kids? Now you _do_ sound like my grandpa.” Jared chuckled.

“I can promise you, wit’ all my heart that I am not an old man. Just a man who is a little older than you.”

“Ten years?”

“Who cares?” Angel shrugged.

“I don’t.”

“Then you won’t mind staying the night wit’ me here. No funny business, y’know, just some kissing and cuddling.”

“You’re such a gentleman.” Jared drank the last third of his beer and set the bottle down on the table.

“I think that casual sex can cause too many negative feelings, y’know. If we spent the entire summer together and all we did was fuck then you would feel used and I would feel shite for taking advantage of you.”

“But falling in love is fine, no one ever got hurt from falling in love.” Jared said with a hint of sarcasm in his tone.

“People get hurt by love all the time, Jared. But it’s a good kind of hurt. I want you to look back on this summer wit’ a yearning in your heart. We’ll both ache to be together again but it won’t feel nearly as bad as feeling used, Jared.”

“What if I wanted to come with you?”

Angel took an overly long swig from his beer, his eyes were unreadable as he pulled the bottle away from his soft lips.

“Come on, let’s go to bed.” Angel said as he stood up, shucking off his leather jacket. He offered Jared his hand and smiled down at him. “Live now, Jared. Live now wit’ me.”


	10. Chapter 10

Angel had deflected Jared’s question with a practiced seduction and the boy was loathe to ruin the mood with needy pleas of ‘ _don’t ever leave me_ ’. He took Angel’s hand and got up until they were nose to nose and stood at the foot of the bed.

“No clothes, I don’t want anything to get between us tonight.” Angel said, lifting Jared’s ridiculous crop top up by the crudely cut hem and then up over his head.

“I’ve never been naked in front of anyone before.” Jared said from under his shirt as it was pulled from around his head.

“You had your pretty prick out in broad daylight, Jared.” Angel grinned, leaving Jared to undress while he unbuttoned his own Levi’s and took off his shirt.

“True. But this is different.” 

The pair stripped off naked together until their clothes were a mixed bundle on the floor between them. 

“Don’t ever be shy wit’ me, Jared. You have a beautiful body, I like how slender it is.” Angel held Jared’s waist, hands trying to take a hold of as much of it as he could. “It’s like, you were made for me.” He groaned.

“You make it sound as if I’m an inconvenience.”

“No, you’re just more than I expected you to be. I _could_ freak out about it, Jared. I won’t lie to you, me darlin’.”

“Oh God. Please don’t freak out. I’m freaking out too. I’m trying to be cool about all this but my mind is running away with itself and-” Jared inhaled, one way to suck the tirade of neediness and concern spilling from his mouth.

“You’re doing a grand job of not freaking out, Jared.” Angel chuckled. “How about we just take each hour as it comes, hm? Come to bed wit’ me.” He crawled onto the bed, ass up which Jared did not mind one bit, since it was the only way onto the elevated bed. Jared followed, crawling behind him and settling next to Angel.

The bed nook felt as cozy as it looked and as Jared laid back against Angel he saw the books; hidden in two narrow alcoves that couldn’t be seen from the other side of it. Stacks from the top of the mattress up to the low ceiling, rammed together, every available space filled.

“Are they all poetry?” Jared asked as Angel snaked himself about the boys lanky frame, all soft and warm. The faint smell of engine oil and cigarettes from his skin.

“Most of them are. I have some novels too.”

“Have you read all of them?”

“Aye, every last one of them. I like to visit book shops when I come to a new town, I noticed that different states offer different things, it says a lot about the people. Do you have a book shop in your town, Jared?”

“Hm.” Jared nodded. The books and conversation about them was a good distraction from Angel’s gentle wandering hands. The boy wanted nothing more than to gaze at Angel’s body and take everything in but he still felt too shy, even after three beers. “We do.”

“You _can_ look at me Jared, you can look at me as much as you want.” Angel whispered.

“You’re a very perceptive person. How did you know that?”

“You’re laying in bed naked wit’ the man you love for the first time, y’know. And you’re more interested in me dusty old books.”   
Jared felt the bed move as Angel laughed and then moved away, as much as he could in the small space.

“I feel shy.” Jared admitted, a strange notion to confess a feeling that one would usually keep to themselves but Angel was so perfectly open with his thoughts and feelings, Jared felt it was only right that he took the same approach.

“Why?”

“Because-” Jared caught his bottom lip with his teeth. “-I’ll want to stare at your body.”

“Then stare at me body, Jared. I’m not laying here naked for anyone else but you. For your eyes only.”

Jared leaned back and hit the wall, head bumping on the sill of a small stained glass window. He rolled his eyes but let them settle over Angel’s body, _really_ looking for the first time. The first thing he noticed were the freckles which were _everywhere_ , like he was a pretty soft cinnamon bun. They was mostly a smattering on his forearms and legs, a few around his nipples then more over his hips which faded toward his cock. His cock. Full of blood and just as thick as Jared had imagined. Angel was perfectly put together, his broad shoulders complimented his wide hips and generous thighs, even his toes matched his fingers in an odd way. Imperfection met perfection as far as Angel was concerned.

“You’re beautiful.” Jared said, taking permission to stare very seriously, one hand settling over Angel’s heart. “I didn’t know I had a thing for freckles.” He chuckled, moving onto his front and gazing up at Angel because Jared had always been taught to admire art. To take it in and to understand it.

“It’s because they belong to me. Beauty is relative.”

“Subjective.” Jared said softly. 

“Aye, that’s the word.” Angel chuckled before going quiet for a moment, lifting a finger to stop Jared from speaking. “He walks in beauty, like the night; Of cloudless climes and starry skies; And all that’s best of dark and bright; Meet in his aspect and his eyes.”

“I know that poem.” Jared said dreamily. “That’s Keats, although it’s about a woman.”

“Aye but we’re queers so I made it me own.” Angel grinned and within moments he was moving over Jared’s body, pinning him against the bed.

“Have you always been gay?” Jared said, gazing up at Angel like he was the stars in the sky.

“Always, even when I shouldn’t have been, y’know? I always liked the boys, even when I was a small lad. I can’t help it, I just like pretty boys.”

“Am I pretty?”

“The prettiest.” Angel smiled, as he spread himself over Jared’s body. Soft but hard at the same time, heavy. They kissed slow and soft, like they had all the time in the world. It was all about connection, slotting together with ease. Jared’s boney hips fit into the ‘V’ of Angel’s stomach, ankles locked together. Jared held the back of Angel’s neck, warm and soft. Every inch of him felt too good, smooth dips and divots down his back had Jared dipping his fingers into them, mapping out Angel’s body so they would both remember the gentle touches. Their kiss became deep and greedy but still so slow Jared’s entire body ached from needing more. What ‘more’ was, he didn’t know, they couldn’t have been any closer if Angel had climbed inside him.

Angel licked away a string of saliva connecting their lips as he pulled back, just far enough to look down at Jared in focus. On cue, Jared felt the carney’s dick twitch against his own. A silent whine of want.

“I want to us to masturbate together.” Angel said plainly, prompting Jared to hiss out a soft ‘ _shit_ ’. “Will you do it wit’ me, Jared?”

“Uh.” Jared nodded. “Uh, yeah.” He felt shy again, the thought of ‘performing’ that most private act in front of someone he was desperate to impress made his stomach flip.

“There’s no shame in it, Jared. It’s the perfect way to get to know someone. Watching them play, learning about what they like. Forget I’m even here if that makes you feel better.” Angel smirked, because he knew.

“Like I can forget you.” Jared chuckled and Angel moved effortlessly onto his back.

“What do you think about when you masturbate, Jared?” Angel already has his own cock in his hand, even with his wide palms and thick fingers it looked heavy and cumbersome in his fist. Jared followed suit, Angel knew that the boy was on a learning curve and Jared was thankful for that, thankful that Angel was teaching him in the most respectful way.

“Boys.” Jared sucked the word into his mouth, hand working around his length, just text book strokes, what he always did.

“What boys?” 

“A dream boy. A boy I haven’t met before. Or rather, hadn’t.” 

Neither were looking anywhere else but at each others dicks and what their hands were doing. Jared hadn’t known anything so intimate and fascinating. Spying with permission. Angel seemed to concentrate on the head, as if he were trying to screw the cap off the bottle of beer. Jared could hear soft grunts every so often and could barely focus on his own dick.

“Have you thought about me?” Angel said gruffly who was ‘all hands on dick’, fondling and tugging on his balls, jerking off the crown of his cock.

“Not yet.” Jared shook his head as he slowly slipped into his usual routine of self love, hand working the entire length while his hips lifted from the mattress. Watching Angel was working its magic. “Am now.” And then silence as the both of them let go. Jared wasn’t shy anymore, his overwhelming emotion was sexual arousal of the most intense. The noises coming from Angel were intimately pornographic. Grunts of divine pleasure punctuated by long draw out inhales which hissed through his gritted teeth. Jared found himself whining, sounds that were once words drowned out by a cocktail of sexual chemicals raging through his body; he hadn’t even realized that he made a noise when he jerked off. Angel seemed to help him notice _everything_.  
Angel came first, blue balls from earlier in the day forcing him to do so. His thumb and pointer finger were wrapped around the head which was dripping with pre-come and running down the inside of his wrist, Jared licked out into the air which Angel saw from the corner of his eye.

“Fuckin’ Christ, dirty boy.” Angel grunted deeply from the back of his throat as he tugged on his dick, yanking it until he came. 

“Oh God.” Jared hissed, eyes fixed on Angel’s fountain of a dick as it spat out thick come over his belly. “Angel, God.” Jared’s eyes were the size of dinner plates as he came, palm slapping against his length. He _had_ forgotten Angel was there, kind of.  
Spent and fucked out, they laid side by side, panting out of sync until Jared drew his legs up, whining again and falling onto his side to look at Angel. The come on his stomach dripped down onto the bed which he promptly laid in, cool already.

“You’re a grunter.” Jared grinned, face flushed and perfectly pink.

“You whine like roadkill.” Angel smirked. “Fucking hottest thing I ever heard, so it was.”

“You’re so sexy it drives me crazy, Angel.” Jared said, snuggling up against the carney who had offered an arm for Jared to tuck himself under.

“Am I now?” Angel looked down at Jared who was settled against his shoulder. Jared nodded against it before closing his eyes and pressing a soft kiss on Angel’s cheek. “Oh and me name’s Jensen if you’d like to know.” 

“Oh wow.” Jared snapped his head back. “I thought you weren’t going to tell me until our fifth date?” He grinned.

“Well, I figured that I’d like for you to call me by me real name on the fifth date, since that’s when we’re going to fuck for the first time. Gives you a little while to get used to me name on your tongue.” Jensen grinned.

“Jensen.” Jared whispered. “I like it better than Angel.”

“You do?”

“Hm. Because it’s real.”

“I haven’t been real up until now?” Jensen cocked an eyebrow.

“Not entirely, no. Angel’s are entities. You’re a man.”

“I still have me wings.” Jensen said, lifting is back a little from the bed.

“You’re Jensen, with wings.”

“I like how you say me name.” Jensen whispered, dragging a sticky hand over Jared’s already damp hair. “Say it again.”

“Jensen.” Jared whispered as his angel kissed the name from his lips.


	11. Chapter 11

“Oh, hi.” Jared stumbled into the trailer around noon, not expecting to see his mom sitting at the table with pursed lips and narrow eyes. 

“Oh hi, yourself.”

“I was with Jensen.” Jared muttered, pulling a shirt that Jensen had loaned him across his body to hide his crop top.

“Presley said you were with Angel.” Kyra said.

“Jensen _is_ Angel, that’s his real name. And, were you checking up on me?” Jared scoffed moving to the fridge to grab himself a drink. He didn’t really need one but it was better than standing around feeling like he was being grilled.

“I haven’t seen you for almost twenty-four hours, Jared. And you stayed the night with this Jensen?"

“Angel, Jensen. Same person, mom.” Jared sighed, drinking from an apple juice carton. “We had a picnic yesterday and then I came back here, showered and changed, then we spent the night together.” Jared shrugged, stepping back as Kyra got up and walked toward him, pulling the shirt open. “Get off me.” Jared lifted his arms and twisted away from his mother.

“Why are you dressed like a rent boy?” 

“It’s called fashion. Leave me alone. Why are being like this all of a sudden? You said it was okay for me to date Jensen.”

“Date yes, but sleeping with him. I don’t think I wholly encouraged that. You’re underage remember and we don’t even know how old this Jensen person is.”

“You of all people are going to lecture me about underage sex? You even reminded me about the condoms, mom.”

“Which are still in the bathroom cabinet. Unopened.”

“Maybe that’s because we didn’t have sex.” Jared caught a look of disbelief in his mothers eyes. “We fooled around, since you’re so keen on details but we didn’t fuck.”

“Right.” Kyra held her hands up and chuckled weakly. “I know I’m cool about a lot of things, Jared but sassing me with language like that, I won’t take it.”

“Then _be cool_. You always said that curse words were just words. Don’t start backtracking now. When Jensen and I have sex, we’ll be safe. I trust him.”

“Do you?”

“Yeah, I do.” Jared sighed. “Look, I’m sorry for cussing and not telling you where I was, okay? I like him a lot. Like, a lot. He’s helped me realize who I am now, mom. He’s smart too, he reads and writes poetry and knows so much about stuff. He’s really respectful too. He even _asked_ me if he could kiss me.” Jared knew he sounded like a smitten thirteen year-old girl but his words helped soften Kyra’s face.

“Sounds like you’ve fallen for him already.” Kyra smiled softly, pulling Jensen’s borrowed shirt around her son’s skinny frame. Protective.

“Yeah, I have. We’ve fallen for each other.” Jared nodded as a blush spread out over his cheeks.

“I was just worried, you don’t usually vanish like that. Just, tell me where you are and who you’re with and I really am cool with that.” Kyra pulled Jared in briefly before holding him at arms length. “Go and shower, you smell like garbage.” Kyra chuckled lightly.

“Thanks.” Jared smirked, turning toward the bathroom before pausing. “Thanks for being cool about me and Jensen. It means a lot to me.”

“Go on. Go clean up, I’ll make lunch.”

*

“I’m going to quit my job at the barbers.” Jared said, tucking into a freshly picked and prepared salad.

“Why? You know it’s not easy to get a job around here and you’re a little too old for me to be giving you an allowance.” Kyra said, turning around to lower the volume on her record player. Stevie Nicks. Again.

“I’m going to ask Presley for a job at the carnival.”

“The carnival that will be moving on in a few weeks. Are you going to run away with them?” Kyra laughed, Jared didn’t because the insane thought had crossed his mind too many times to mention.

“Of course not. And anyway, I only work at Mr. Porter’s at the weekend when I’m at school. It’s boring there. I do tell you that all time.”

“Well, you know your own mind, love.”

“Yeah, I do.”

*

Jared felt kind of bummed breaking the news to Mr. Porter that he was quitting his job. A brave and maybe stupid move since he hadn’t asked Presley about work at the carnival yet. The old barber was disappointed but understood that Jared needed to do something a little more worthwhile than sweep up old man hair even though that ‘something a little more worthwhile’ was being around Jensen as much as he could be. Jensen had said that Presley tended not to hire locals since the carney’s that traveled with him were his staff but would probably find him something to do. ‘ _Because he’s in love wit’ your ma_ ’, Jensen had said and Jared really could have done without hearing that piece of information. Carney’s seem to fall in love quite freely, he pondered.  
Heather was hovering about alone when Jared stepped outside the barbers, chewing on chewed fingernails as she always did.

“Hey, what are you up to?” Jared smiled.

“Saw you go in, overheard you quitting, waited outside.” 

“And did you drop a few pronouns while you were waiting?” Jared teased, Heather gave him a sharp dig in the stomach with her elbow.

“Shut up. I just wanted to see you.”

“No, you wanted to ask about Angel. Whose real name is Jensen by the way.” Jared grinned.

“Ew. Angel is better.”

“I like it.” Jared hooked an arm around Heather’s, ever the odd couple. “Want to share a root beer float at Poppers?”

“Sure, but only if you tell me _all_ the details.”

“You’re such a gossip whore. The whole grumpy goth thing is so fake.”

“Again, shut up.” 

*

Poppers was the only diner in town with decent music and cheap food; a hot spot for the local teens who weren’t cool enough to eat in Vespa’s, a mod style café which was an odd theme to have in a small town but was popular with the popular. Poppers was run by an older couple who kept their soda fountain squeaky clean and laid their tables with gingham cloths. It was quaint but nice enough to enjoy a diverting conversation once in a while.

“I’m not going to give you _all_ the details.”

“Half.” Heather offered as they sat down outside with a can of Tab each. Squeaky clean the soda fountain might be but it was constantly breaking down.

“A few choice anecdotes.” Jared challenged with a grin as his can hissed and spat as he opened it.

“So, okay. Don’t keep me waiting. Have you done the deed yet?”

“Wow, Heather. C’mon.”

“That’s a no.” Heather smirked.

“Well, yeah. It was only our third date.”

“But you _did_ sleep with him?”

“Yes, as in actual, closed eyes, semi-unconscious shut eye.”

“But you fooled around before you went to sleep?” Heather chuckled because Jared was squirming in his seat.

“Well, duh. Of course we did. It was fun.” Jared nodded but caught Heather roll her eyes. “Hot. Okay? It was really hot and-” Jared slumped, resting his chin on his can. “-he’s so perfect, he’s smart and just so-”

“Hot?” Heather grinned and Jared nodded. “I know, you’re so lucky. If we weren’t friends, I’d stab you in the eyes with this fork for nabbing Angel.” Heather said, playfully brandishing a fork and then slipping it into her bag.

“How many forks do you have in your collection now?” Jared asked as if it were the most normal thing in the world.

“Eighty-seven.”

“Nice.” Jared chuckled before sinking down in his seat which helped in some way to hide his tall frame. “Shit, Eric just parked up across the street.”

“Ugh, ignore him. I have been ever since he said all that stuff to you at the carnival. I’ve been avoiding him.”

“He’s been hanging out with cousins. I ran into them last night. It was a low point for Eric, I don’t understand why he’s taken my being gay to heart so much.”

“He’s jealous.” Heather shrugged, before turning around and winding a middle finger up in Eric’s direction.

“Don’t. It will only give him more ammo, Heather.” Jared muttered.

“Sticks and stones.” Heather smiled.

It wasn’t as simple as that for Jared. While he was often more than capable of brushing off the bullying words he heard every day of his life at school, Eric’s slurs were different. The pair had known one another and been close friends since third grade. Eric had always been the loose cannon and Jared the quiet boy, but they had always leveled one another out. Jared’s homosexuality was suddenly a step too far in Eric’s opinion, a sad fact that was now Jared’s reality. You just can’t please all of the people.

*

“Oh God.” Jared muttered to himself as Presley sat him down with a huge canister of helium and a box of heart shaped foil balloons.

“You sell ‘em for three bucks a pop and you take a dollar for each one you sell.” Presley grinned down at Jared, all belly and belt buckle.

“Do people even buy them?”

“No. But I have a stockpile of ‘em that I’ve been wanting to shift for a long while, Jared. And my folks here, well, balloon selling is a little beneath them.”

“Thanks.” Jared sighed. 

“With your pretty face and long legs, you’ll do a roaring trade.”

“As a rent boy?” Jared blinked but smirked all the same. 

“Not my words.” Presley said, throwing a thumb over his shoulder in the direction of the carousel. “His.”

“Oh.” Jared grinned. 

“Never seen him quite so smitten.” Presley said casually before hooking his thumbs into his belt and wandering off into the crowds. 

Jared sighed happily, so in love and dreamily happy. He unpacked his first balloon. Pink on one side, silver on the other and placed the opening over the nozzle of the canister. He filled the balloon then had a sneaky hit.

“He’s smitten and thinks I’m pretty.” Jared said, sounding like Alvin the Chipmunk which made him fall about laughing.

*

Several dozen balloons later, Jared was wandering through the carnival holding them up and generally getting in everyone’s way because perhaps he had gone overboard with the amount that he was meant to blow up. He sold quite a few to begin with, mostly to parents of little kids and after thirty minutes, Jared had worked out that he had sold seven. Seven whole bucks all to himself. 

“Well, look at you. Me beautiful balloon seller.” Jensen had popped up out of nowhere, grinning and making quite a public show by grabbing Jared around the waist and kissing him greedily. He tasted of pot and it made Jared pine.

“Funny.” Jared smirked after his lips had been freed. “Is it safe to man the carousel while you’re high?”

“Of course it is, Jared. If anything, it gives me more clarity, y’know? So, how’s business?” Jensen poked at the balloons with the tip of one finger.

“I’ve made seven bucks.”

“The night is still young, darlin’. So, I was thinking. It’s our forth date tonight, and I wanted us to do something different so late night movie at the drive-in?”

“On the back of a motorcycle?” Jared chuckled.

“No, I’m gonna borrow Presley truck.”

“Okay, that sounds fun.”

“Grand. You can stay at me place again tonight, if that’s okay with your ma, like?”

“Uh, yeah. Oh God, she told Presley didn’t she and then he told you?”

“Uh, aye. She did.”

“Jesus.” Jared huffed.

“She’s only looking out for you, Jared."

“I guess. It’s just, she’s always been so cool about stuff. She lets me drink and smoke pot, in moderation. Didn’t care when I told her about liking boys but now she’s suddenly parenting me.”

“Maybe she thinks you’re going to get your heartbroken, Jared.” Jensen said plainly.

“Am I?”

“Everyone does at least once in their lives.”

“Right, well thanks for the warning.” Jared slumped against the back of the cotton candy stand, his hand was aching and sweaty because of the balloons and Jensen’s honesty made him feel instantly gloomy.

“Hey, don’t you think about the future, darlin’. We’re here together right now and that’s all that matters.” Jensen crowded him, dipping his head under the bundle of balloons. Body contact to take all the potential pain away. Jensen kissed the corner of Jared’s mouth and inhaled softly. “I love you, never forget it.”


	12. Chapter 12

“Easy Rider.” Jared smirked as they parked up at the back of the drive-in so they could make out without being seen. “What a surprise that you would choose that.”

“Have you seen it?” Jensen shut off the engine and took his leather jacket off which sent a waft of leathery, smokey scent in Jared’s direction.

“Yeah, I have a hippy-child mother. It’s one of her favorites.”

“Means we can make out even more since we’ve both seen it.” Jensen slid an arm across the back of Jared’s shoulders. A cliché move if ever there was one but Jared wasn’t going to complain. They watched the first twenty minutes of the movie in still silence before Jensen slipped a hand between Jared’s legs and idly fondled his cock through his summery peach shorts. He let out a soft hum of satisfaction as Jared’s cock twitched to life because it barely took anything on Jensen’s part to get Jared going. It wasn’t the first erection that Jared had nursed while they had been watching the movie. “What do you want to do with your life, Jared?” Jensen asked, an ‘out of the blue’ question while he stroked the soft head of Jared’s dick through dampening fabric. Jared twitched and couldn’t think about anything at all for a moment.

“Um, I dunno.” Jared said, swallowing down a moan. “I don’t really have any big plans. I just want to be happy.”

“That’s quite a big plan.”

“Yeah, it’s what most people want.” Jared shrugged. “I’ll probably take over the trailer park, one day.” He frowned. “My mom is so young though, that won’t happen for a very long time.”

“I’m probably closer to your ma’s age than yours.” Jensen chuckled.

“Why would you even say something like that?” Jared groaned, squirming again because Jensen did that to him constantly.

“Because it’s the truth. Just count yourself lucky you don’t have a young, hot father.” Jensen teased.

“Can we please stop talking about my parents while you’re jerking me off.” Jared chuckled weakly and bucked his hips. “Please.”

“Okay, I’ll keep me mouth shut.”

“No, I mean. Please do something more. I need more.”

“Don’t be vague, darlin’. Just ask me, Jared.” Jensen was already unzipping Jared’s shorts, pleased to find a bare cock, damp and semi-hard.

“I want you to suck me.”

“Suck what?”

“My cock. Jensen, Jen please fucking suck my cock.” Jared chuckled, glancing at Jensen who was grinning broadly. 

“That’s my boy and fucking Christ, call me Jen. I like it.” Jensen muttered, dipping his head and sucking Jared into his mouth.

“Jen.” Jared whined, his go-to noise-making when making out. His eyes flicked up and out across the lines of cars, all parked up and facing the big screen, nervous for a split second that their al fresco antics would be found out. But no one seemed to care. “Wanna do you.” Jared mumbled as he felt saliva pooling and dripping between his thighs which were taut like bowstrings; muscles tense and flexed.

“Do me?” Jensen said after he had pulled off Jared’s cock with a wet pop. He smirked. “You’re going to have to be a little more specific, Jared.”

“Suck your dick.”

“Suck me dick, suck _your_ dick. You’ve got a lot going on inside that mind of yours haven’t you darlin’?”

“Shut up.” Jared chuckled, looking down at Jensen and his perfect full wet mouth; pink tongue circling the head of Jared’s cock teasingly. 

“Okay, I have an idea. I’m going to carry on sucking your dick, Jared because I’ve always been one of those lads who once they’ve started something, they have to finish it. In the meantime, I want you to tell me every little thing that pops into your head. Every thought, every feeling; speak it. Can you do that for me, Jared?”

“Uh. Like, just say what I’m thinking?”

“Aye, like. Speak your thoughts.”

“’Toughts’.” Jared whispered. 

“Now is not a good time to take the piss out of me accent again, Jared. Not when I have your prick in me gob.” Jensen grinned.

“Not taking the piss, it’s just _really_ sexy.”

“Like I haven’t heard folks say that a thousands times.” Jensen laughed. “Now, say what you think. Okay?”

Jared nodded and braced his back against the vinyl seat; one hand gripping the edge, the other pushing into Jensen’s thick hair. His cock slipped effortlessly into the carney’s mouth, it bent as it hit the back of his throat then locked into place as if it were meant to be there.

“Fits so good.” Jared muttered. Shyness was hanging around again. No one liked the sound of their own voice, and hearing it in a sexual situation should have been a turn off but it was the absolute reverse and once Jared started shooting his mouth off, there was no stopping him. “So good, Jen. Please never stop. God, I felt you suck up my pre-come. I love you. I love you. I love you. Please, please don’t ever leave me.”

Jared felt a slight pause in Jensen’s ministrations when he said that, the strangled sound of the words knotted up with the moans of his climax. Jared knew Jensen couldn’t make promises like that and couldn’t reply nor protest, instead Jared felt the carney’s hand slide over his thigh as he came. Three squeezes, firm and direct. One. Two. Three. I. Love. You. It was heartbreakingly romantic and Jared sucked in a sob as Jensen swallowed down his come. He pressed his forearm against his eyes, screwing them shut to push back the tears. Jensen was calm and nonchalant as he came up for air, grinning at Jared, paying no mind to what had been said. It was the past, words uttered out in the heat of the moment. Honest, yes but too painful to warrant a verbal reply. Jared left the words in moments ago too; every second with Jensen, his Angel, was precious. Don’t spoil it.

“Do you want to come back to mine?” Jensen said lazily, wiping his mouth on the short cap sleeve of Jared’s shirt. A white tee with the words ‘Ship Ahoy!’ written across the front. 

“Yeah, I’d like that, Jen.”

“No one ever called me Jen before. I like it.”

“No one at all?” Jared asked, tucking his very wet, limp cock away inside his shorts.

“Not a soul. Only you, Jared.” Jensen smiled. “Only you.” The words were too soft and seemed to ache as Jensen spoke them. Too fast and too intense, all too soon.

“Don’t, Jen.” 

“Don’t, Jared. Enjoy this, please. No thoughts of the future or the end. If you worry, you’ll only end up suffering twice, so you will.”

“Back to yours for a drink.” Jared nodded, taking Jensen’s advice on board immediately.

“Aye. A drink and more.”

*

Jared rolled into the trailer well past noon again and only because Jensen had persuaded him to do so. ‘ _You need to spend time wit’ your ma too, Jared._ Sometimes Jared wished that Jensen was an asshole once in a while.

“Afternoon.” Kyra said wryly as Jared walked into the trailer clutching a mix-tape that Jensen had made for him.

“It _is_ the afternoon. Sarcasm doesn’t suit you, mother.” Jared grinned, grabbing a glass from the counter and pouring himself a drink of juice. 

“Who are you, and what have you done with my son?” Kyra raised her eyebrows at Jared’s sudden ‘glass-using’.

“Shut up.” 

“Did you have a good night?”

“Hm, went to see Easy Rider at the drive-in.”

“How much of the movie did you actually see?” Kyra stood up, gathering a pile of paperwork together and tucking it into a folder. Accounts day.

“Not much.” Jared chuckled. “And no, I am not telling you anything. There is an invisible line between us now that we shouldn’t ever cross.”

“Did you use protection?”

“Didn’t have sex, Mom.” Jared sighed. But he would be later, because it was fifth date day. Jensen had made a promise of dinner by the lake and fucking in the caravan. His words.

“Hm.”

“And I am not telling you when we do. I have to keep some aspects of my life private.”

“You do.” Kyra nodded. “How’s the new job?”

“Humiliating. I sell balloons to preschoolers. I made the grand total of fourteen bucks.”

“Oh wow, what are you going to buy with all that?” Kyra laughed in mock excitement.

“Condoms.” Jared snorted.

“Smart boy. Lunch when I get back from town, we haven’t hung out much recently.”

“Sure, I’ll be here. The carnival is closed on Monday’s and Jensen is taking his motorcycle into town to get some parts for something. I wasn’t really listening.” Jared winced. “He’s so fucking pretty.”

“Jared, language.” Kyra said as she passed him to head out.

“Absolutely not taking that on board.”

“Fine. I’ll see you later.” Kyra pushed herself up onto her toes to give her son a goodbye kiss. Jared recoiled.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

“Oh God, you’re right. I _really_ do not want the details.” 

*

_Jen’s Mix Tape for Jared_

‘Put Your Head on My Shoulder’ – Paul Anka  
‘I Only Have Eyes For You’ - The Flamingos  
‘Only You (And You Alone)’ – The Platters  
‘Right Behind You Baby’ - Vince Taylor & His Playboys  
‘Dream Lover’ - Bobby Darin  
‘You Send Me’ - Otis Reading  
‘It’s Always You’ - Chet Baker  
‘There Goes My Baby’ - The Drifters

Jared had never been one of lifes criers. His mother had always advised him to keep in good touch with his emotions but crying wasn’t something that happened naturally for him but until then, he had never been in love before. Every song had been so lovingly chosen it made him ache, sob and even fight back a touch of anger. How could Jensen be so free and easy with his heart and encourage Jared to do the same? The carney’s pleas to ‘live in the moment’ were difficult to adapt to, everyone thinks about the future; but most relationships have just that. A future. People rarely put their hearts on the line when there is so much uncertainty. Jensen will leave in August, he’ll move on and no doubt fall in love with another pretty boy. He’ll tell him he’s pretty too, the prettiest. And Jared will find himself left behind with a shattered heart. The mix tape hadn’t entertained, it had hurt and stirred up feelings inside Jared’s gut that he had never had to deal with before.

It took a small joint and half a beer before Jared had calmed himself down. The pot gave him clarity as he started the tape from the beginning and pushed himself to enjoy the music for what it was meant to be. A declaration of romantic love from one soul to another. For the first time in his life he found himself in a personal situation that he couldn’t, wouldn’t discuss in depth with his mom. She would only tell him to walk away, to avoid the hurt but it was too late for all that now. It took only a matter of days for Jensen to work his magic on Jared, and he feared that once the summer was over, it would take a whole lot longer than that for him to heal. 

“Stop.” Jared caught a glimpse of his tear-streaked face in his bedroom mirror. “Just stop. Stop being a boy.” Calm now, burying it all away for a gloomy day in September.

*

Jensen was combing his hair, curling the comb and lifting the roots, pushing wax into the length just like he always did. Fifth date peacocking. He paused and dragged a hand down his face.  
“What the fuck have I done?”


	13. Chapter 13

Jensen was stood behind a huge bunch of flowers when Kyra answered the gentle rap on the trailer door. 

“Hello, me beautiful ray of sunshine.” Jensen’s smiling face revealed itself and immediately dropped. “Oh, you’re not Jared. Hello, Mrs-” Jensen winced as Kyra shook her head. “Ms?” That passed. “Uh, Ms.”

“You don’t know our family name?” Kyra’s eyebrows were raised, one arm blocking the gap through the door.

“Uh, just we haven’t got to that part of the ‘getting-to-know-you’ conversations yet, Ms?”

“Padalecki.”

“Oh, Ms. Padalecki. Hello.”

“Hello, Mr?”

“Ackles.” Jensen whispered, scrunching his nose up, he rarely gave people what he called his ‘slave name’. 

“That doesn’t seem very Irish, does Jared even know that’s your name?”

“I do now!” Jared called out, coming up behind his mother and lifting her by her waist to move her out of the way.

“You can call me Sean O’Flaherty-Finn the Flower Bearing Leprechaun if that makes you feel any better.” Jensen smirked. Kyra did not laugh.

“I’ll be back some time tomorrow, Mom.” Jared muttered, stepping down into a bunch of flowers so big they must have cost Jensen a small fortune. Kyra called out to her son but he was already off in his dream world, eyes and ears for Jensen only.

“So, your ma forced me slave name out of me. Forget you heard it.”

“Why?”

“Reasons.” Jensen muttered, keen to not spoil the much anticipated fifth date with his tales of woe. He handed Jared the flowers and slipped a hand around the boys waist as they wandered side by side into The Promised Land. Kyra sat peering through the tiniest gap in the blinds that she could make and watched as Jensen’s hand crept over her son’s ass. “Your ma doesn’t like me much, does she?”

“I can’t think why, she was cool to begin with but now, she’s been acting weird about. And when I say weird, like an actual parent should act. It’s freaking me out but I have walked back into the trailer twice in a row smelling of sex the past two days and-.” Jared screwed his face up. “-let’s leave overbearing parent conversations for another day.” And then Jared realized. “Why have we come back to the carnival and where the hell is everybody?”

“Uh, change of plan, Jared. It’s Presley’s birthday celebrations and everyone has decided to go to the lake for a barbeque. So we have the whole place to ourselves.” Jensen grinned as he ducked behind his caravan, which made Jared chuckle at his antics. “Stay where you are.” Jensen called out. “And turn around.” 

Jared set the flowers down on the ground next to the caravan and did as he was told. There was a thrum and a buzz as every light, on every ride in the carnival flickered on in unison. 

“Oh wow.” Jared chuckled, walking into the middle of the ground, turning slowly and taking in every detail. “It’s beautiful.” Jensen skidded up behind Jared and spun him around.

“So, tell me, Jared. What song spoke to you the most from the mix tape I made you? Because I have a song all lined up for us, I think it might be the same one.”

“Oh God and what if I pick something different?” Jared smirked.

“Then we will be two individuals in one intense love affair.”

“When you say stuff like that.”

“I know.” Jensen whispered. He pulled Jared in against his body, all hips and groin. “So, which song?”

“Only You.” Jared said softly as Jensen backed away, holding the boys arms outstretched by his hands until he let go, ducking over to the carousel to start the music.

‘ _Only you, can make this world seem right_

The music seemed louder than usual but Jensen heard Jared scream with delight as he moved through the now moving horses, singing along with heart and passion until he was back in front of Jared. Jensen pulled him into hold, slowly rocking him in time with the music. Jared settled his head against Jensen’s shoulder as they moved together, nothing fancy but close and intimate.

“How did you know?” Jared whispered.

“I dunno, I just did.” Jensen said back, feeling an ignorable stab of regret at doing something so utterly romantic again; pulling himself and Jared in deeper and deeper. As the song finished, they kissed in the silence of the carnival, the distant hum/thrum of the carousel horses the only noise for miles around. “Why don’t you get yourself comfortable in bed, darlin’.”

“Why, where are you going?”

“Presley will murder me, bury me, then dig me up and murder me again if I left all this running.” Jensen chuckled. “Go on, I’ll be right in.”

“Okay, see you in a minute.”

*

Jared stripped down naked once he was back in Jensen’s caravan, folding his clothes in an attempt not to return home tomorrow afternoon looking like a debauched crumpled mess. He tried a dozen different positions to make himself look inviting before settling on his front, legs up from the knees, ankles crossed, ready.

“Well, as views go.” Jensen whistled. “That’s a cracker.” 

Jared lifted his head, glancing over his shoulder, watching Jensen undress which always felt like the first time. 

“I’m not nervous.” Jared said, he didn’t know why he felt the need to share that thought with Jensen but it only made the Irishman grin.

“By telling me you’re not nervous, makes you sound nervous, Jared.” Jensen said softly. “I’ll make us a joint, it’ll help us both relax.” Jared turned around to join him. “You stay there, I can still enjoy the view from over here.” Jensen sat at his table, opening his box which contained his stash of weed. He reached over the open box and turned on his cassette player. It took Jared a moment.

“You made yourself a copy of the mix tape too?” 

“Aye, I did. I made it for both of us.”

“I didn’t think I’d like that kind of music.” Jared hummed, along to ‘Only You’ again, feet swaying from side to side as he laid on his back watching Jensen.

“And you do now?”

“Hm. Because it means something.”

“Maybe you should make me a mix tape wit’ some of your favorite music too.”

“I dunno, you probably wouldn’t like it.” Jared sighed. “I like pop music.”

“The music on my mix tape to you was pop music once, Jared. Did you ever think of that?” Jensen stood up, grinning and naked. He slid the joint behind one ear, body abruptly adopting the stance of Elvis as ‘Right Behind You Baby’ started to play; quiff bouncing and magically staying in one piece. Jared creased up at his moves, dick swinging comically between his bow-legs. And then the singing started. “Well, you can run like a rabbit, fly like a bee, no matter what you do, you’ll never get away from me.” Jensen’s voice was perfect, pitch perfect as he shook his hips all the way to the foot of the bed and grabbed Jared’s ankles while the boy was in hysterics. “Because I’m right behind you baby, right behind you baby.”

“Oh, my God.” Jared squealed, falling onto his back and covering his face. “You are so sexy right now.”

Jensen slotted himself between Jared’s legs, leaning over him and sliding the joint between the boys lips. He lit it, watching as Jared took a long, deep hit.

“Good?” Jensen said, moving onto the bed and kneeling between Jared’s legs which he spread apart with gentle warm hands. “We don’t have to do anything tonight.”

“We do.” Jared nodded and whined. “We do. We really do.”

“I’ll be gentle.”

“I know you will, Jen.”

“Lay on your front. There’s a bottle of lube under your pillow, Jared.” Jensen said, idly plucking at Jared’s bare ass with his fingers as the boy rolled over, one hand holding the joint aloft. Jared slid a hand under the pillow, taking the lube out and read the label. 

“Wet. For a super smooth glide.” Jared blindly offered Jensen the bottle from over his shoulder. “I hope they practice what they preach.”

“You’ll be fine. I’ll look after you.” Jensen set the bottle down by his knee and clamped one hand over one of Jared’s ass cheeks. “Gimme a hit, darlin’.” 

Jared sneaked a third long drag from the joint and passed it back, listening to Jensen inhale. His bottom was pinched, lightly slapped and grabbed while they silently passed the joint to and from one another until it burned down to the roach and went out. Jensen wet his fingers, dabbing them around the roach to ensure it was out and dropped it on the floor and then his hands were back over Jared’s ass, fingers pressing into the swell and pulling him open.

“Fucking Christ, that’s a tight little hole you have there, Jared.” Jensen said, lifting Jared’s hips from the bed and pressing his nose against the boys taint, sliding up until he was nosing Jared’s ass hole.

“Oh God.” Jared mumbled, already dribbling into the pillow. The tip of Jensen’s tongue was cold at first, a firm point mapping out the pucker of Jared’s ass hole which felt too tight, an impossible puzzle for Jensen to solve. Along with the intensifying sensation of acute sensitivity due to the pot, the feeling was like nothing Jared had experienced before. He had occasionally slipped the tip of a finger inside himself while he was masturbating but had foolishly never deeply explored that part of himself before. The pot worked in some small ways to relax him but it was mostly Jensen’s tongue and thorough hands that helped.

Jared felt himself become wetter and wetter, ass hole soaked in spit as Jensen eased the tip of the his tongue inside, just enough to stretch Jared open and slip in a finger. Even the tiny intrusion of Jensen’s pinky sent Jared’s hips snapping into the air. A soft, gentle hand pinned them back, one thumb rubbing against one of the two deep dimples which sat prettily at the top of Jared’s buttocks. Two fingers, three fingers and Jared was a writhing mess. He was sweating heavily, already stuck to the sheets underneath his body, head spinning at the wrongness of the having fingers ‘up there’. 

“You’re doing so good for me, Jared.” Jensen said, leaning to one side to catch Jared’s attention, he hadn’t seen his face for at least fifteen minutes and was starting to miss it. Jared twisted his neck, unnaturally so, face flushed fuchsia and already looking limp and used. “You’re so beautiful, y’know that?”

“Not right now.” Jared said, managing a weak smile which he bit into as Jensen moved his fingers. Jared’s eyes dropped down to Jensen’s dick which was rock solid and dripping with pre-come, almost looking like a weapon of torture. “Oh God, it’s so big.” Jared whined over the sound of a condom being ripped opened by Jensen’s teeth, “It’s so big.” He whispered, face disappearing into the relative safety of his damp pillow which already smelled like a locker room.

“I’ll fit Jared, I promise.” Jensen said with humor in his voice while Jared muffled out a mix of protestations and pleas. Yes, no, stop, go. Fuck me, don’t fuck me. The cold dribble of more lube made Jared gasp loudly, the noises of wet, slippery flesh being rubbed and stroked were enough to encourage Jared’s hips to rut into the bed, his dick too hard underneath him, painfully pressing into his belly. “Now, I’m gonna try. Just relax, darlin’ and get up onto your knees.”

That was effort. Still high and limp, body wrung of the ability to hold itself up but he did it, clambering onto Jell-O hands and knees.

“I’ve never known that I was, could ever feel like as good as this.” Jared babbled, making sense but not.

“Last time.” Jensen whispered. “Last time for you to say no, my darlin’.” 

“No.” Jared said, turning once again to look up at his angel, voice firm and sure. “I want _you_ to be the one I lose my virginity to.”


	14. Chapter 14

_Two Weeks Later_

“I fuckin’ love you, Jared. You know that?” Jensen’s voice was a low growl, trembling through the sheer vigor of their love making. Jared was gripping the headboard of his bed, up on his knees and meeting Jensen’s forceful hips with a matched keenness. Thud/slap of boy ass against Jensen’s heavy thighs.

“I fuckin’ love you too. God, yes. Fuck me like this every day of my life.” Jared chuckled, a pro now after a solid two weeks of daily practice at having his ass pounded into oblivion. The noise from his bedroom filtered out into the trailer and beyond, causing Kyra to stop at the front door as she returned from a grocery shopping trip in town. She knew that Jared was now sexually active, they hadn’t discussed it but his attitude and lack of presence spoke volumes. Surly, absent and behaving like he was a man of the world.

“Oh, hey Ms. Padalecki.” Jensen said as he stepped out of the trailer, pulling on his leather jacket despite the June heat.

“Word of advice.” Kyra said, ignoring the friendly greeting. “Could you not fuck my son in my home and for God sake, keep the noise down, wherever you do it. You sound like animals.”

“I thought this was Jared’s home too, or is he just your lodger?” Jensen smirked, lighting a cigarette with a nonchalant shrug. 

“Go home, Angel.”

“I’m going.” Jensen held his hands up, backing away as a stab of guilt twisted in his gut.

*

“Hey, mom.” Jared said from his open bedroom door tying the belt of a short black silk robe (a gift from Jensen). The air was thick with the smell of sex and sweat, his bed a mess, littered with empty condom wrappers and lube bottles. Behavior too brazen even for a ‘cool mom’ like Kyra. “I didn’t hear you come in, Jensen just left.”

“I know. I saw him on the way in.” Kyra eyed her son’s appearance as he moved around in the kitchen, picking out a few choice items from the grocery bags. His face was flushed red, glowing with endorphins. His hair was damp and matted at the crown and his thighs were as pink as his cheeks. “I had to sit outside and wait.” Kyra said, slapping Jared’s hands from out of the bags.

“Oh.”

“Yeah, ‘oh’ Jared. Listen to me, I get it. You’re in a relationship and you want to spend time with him. But not here, not my home.”

“ _Your_ home?” Jared chuckled. “Seriously?”

“Okay, our home. Jared, you can’t bring Jensen here and do that.”

“What, fuck?” 

“What has happened to you, what’s happened to us?”

“I grew up.” Jared snapped.

“No, you’ve been hijacked by that gypsy.”

“Jensen isn’t a gypsy, even if he was, why should it matter? He’s just a traveler. And he didn’t hijack me. We’re in love. I love him, and part of being in love with someone is having sex. Do you remember what having sex is, mom?” Jared regretted those words the moment they fell from his mouth, he deserved the slap that Kyra gave him. Hard and viscous across his cheekbone.

“That wasn’t nice.” Jared took a long step back. “Words, I say fucking words and you hit me?”

“What isn’t nice is having to sit on your own door step listening to your child fucking like an animal!” Kyra screamed, and Jared took another step back, slowly retreating toward his room.

“You know, you’re asking me what happened to me, mother.” Jared spat. “But what happened to you? My cool mom, who let me drink and get high and talked about sex, didn’t give a shit when I came out but now I’m doing all of that solo and it’s suddenly a huge problem. You know what, I think you’re jealous.”

“Jared.” Kyra held a hand up. “Please don’t.”

“Are you going to hit me again? Well, you know what. I’m going to stay with Jensen and you can sit here on your own feeling bitter about the fact that you’re still in love with Dad even though he hasn’t been around for thirteen years!” Jared yelled, angry yes but hurt that his relationship with his mom was slowly breaking down. 

“Go then. Go and sell your balloons and live with the gypsy but do not come crying to me when he leaves. Because he _will_ leave, Jared. They all leave!”

Jared threw his hands up in the air and stormed off into his bedroom, he locked the door with meaning allowing himself a little smirk as he shut himself away to pack a bag.

“Bet you’re pissed off you let me put a lock on this door now!” Jared yelled but got nothing back. Just the sound of groceries being packed away angrily and the very faint noise of tears.

*

Kyra wasn’t in the trailer when Jared emerged from his bedroom, spitefully leaving his bed as it was knowing that his mom would have no choice but to clean it up. Or leave it there as a reminder of what her son now was. He shrugged his backpack onto one shoulder and grabbed the tub of mint choc chip ice cream from the freezer he knew his mother had picked up for him from the grocery store and made his way to Jensen’s.

“I thought we weren’t seeing one another until opening?” Jensen was shirtless, which was the gift that kept on giving. He eyed Jared’s backpack suspiciously. “Did your ma chuck you out?”

“Uh, kind of. I was wondering if I could stay with you.” Jared said sheepishly.

“I don’t tend to co-habit, Jared.” Which was the truth but Jared was the new constant ‘too hard to resist’ aspect of Jensen’s life.  
“But for you, I can make an exception. And you brought, ice cream?”

“I mean, I’ll pay for groceries and stuff when I get paid next.” Jared smirked, pressing a dirty, wet kiss against Jensen’s lips.

“I’m sure the five bucks a night you make selling balloons is going to help a lot, Jared.” Jensen smirked and gave Jared and knee up the butt.

“I also-” Jared laid his backpack down on the edge of the tiny but crowded kitchen counter. “-made you this.” He said, handing Jensen a cassette tape. “There are only six songs on it, I figured that you really wouldn’t like my taste in music and look, I wrote about each song and why I chose it on the back.” Jared said, turning the cassette tape over in Jensen’s hand.

“I’m sure I’ll love it, Jared. Thank you.” Jensen pressed a gentle and tender kiss against Jared’s cheek. “I get the impression and, wit’out sounding like a bastard, can smell that you haven’t showered since our sex this afternoon.”

“Uh, no.” Jared wrinkled his nose. “But you don’t have a shower, you wash yourself in an oil drum of cold water, Jen.”

“That I do. But I hooked up a hose and now I have a shower, even put a curtain around it.” Jensen grinned, sliding Jared’s backpack from his shoulder.

“But the water is still cold.”

“Aye, a cold shower is good for the soul.” 

“I think you’ll find that’s sunshine.”

“It’s definitely cold shower.” Jensen smirked. “Go on, away with you, you stink. And it’ll give me a chance to listen to your music.”

“Fine, okay. I’m just thankful it’s a hot day.”

_Jared’s Mix Tape for Angel_

‘Crazy For You’ - Madonna, because I love Madonna and I’m not shy about it, but also because I am crazy about you.

‘Don’t Wanna Lose You’ - Gloria Estefan, it kind of says it all. Even though I know I’m going to lose you, I don’t wanna.

‘Your Song’ - Elton John, explains what I have to give you. Not much, just my love but if you ever change your mind about leaving, I think that’s enough reason to stay, don’t you?

‘Crazy Little Thing Called Love’ - Queen, this song just reminds me of you because it’s a little fifties rock and roll!

‘Father Figure’ - George Michael, for all we know, you might be old enough to be my father. Joke, joke! 

‘Never Tear Us Apart’ - INXS, it was the song that was playing when first saw one another. I loved it before I loved you and now it makes me feel different when I listen to it. Sad but hopeful. 

Jared suffered the ice cold spray of Jensen’s makeshift shower which he found was just as exhilarating as the carney had suggested. The state of his soul was unknown as he dried himself off with a surprisingly luxurious towel but his nipples were like bullets. He could hear the sound of one of the six paltry songs coming from inside Jensen’s caravan. The Irishman was singing along with ‘Your Song’ word perfect; his gentle but deep voice gave the song a folksy, country sound as if his singing it had reinvented the tune for just them. Jared stepped back inside the caravan with wet hair and smelling of old man pine tar soap, he stood in the doorway, head ducked because the space was never great for anyone of height and watched Jensen sing, who then turned the volume down and took the song for his own. 

“You can really sing.” Jared sighed, Jensen shrugged modestly.

“Everyone in Ireland can sing.”

“Everyone in the world can sing.” Jared grinned. “Just not as well as that.”

“Well, I’ll take the compliment. I come from a musical family. Me Ma used to play piano when she was upright long enough to sit at one. And me father, he played the bodhrán.” Jensen chuckled at Jared’s blank expression. “The Irish drum.”

“Oh the one with the-” Jared did a lame action, one hand flapping about in front of him.

“Aye, the one where you look like you’re having a spaz attack.” Jensen grinned, Jared laughed closing the door behind him and sidling up next to Jensen on the padded seating area.

“I like learning about your past and your family.” Jared spoke softly, since he knew that Jensen’s upbringing had been severely troubled. What kind of parents never allow their child to celebrate their birthdays?

“And there was me thinking you enjoyed how mysterious I am.” Jensen smiled at the skinny arm that curled around his bicep, such affection was never lost on the traveler. He lapped up every touch Jared gave him.

“I do. But you know almost everything about me.”

“Do you love me any less for not knowing every little detail of me life before you?” Jensen dragged his box of pot toward him across the surface of the table.

“Of course not. I just like the idea that you can talk to me about stuff, because I’d never judge you.”

“This is the first time I’ve ever co-habited wit’ anyone, let’s not spoil our first night together wit’ me tales of woe.”

“Okay.” Jared went quiet but politely changed tact. “So, did you like the mix tape I made?”

“I loved it, truly.”

“Liar.” Jared snorted, pulling out two cigarette papers from the box and laying them on the table in front of Jensen.

“I never lie.” Jensen shot Jared a look, one of slight offense that Jared had never seen before. “I liked it, music is a personal thing, y’know. I’ve never liked that Madonna lass. But I like that song now because you loved it enough to dedicate it to me.”

“Ugh.” Jared whined, sliding down against the seat and taking one of the loose cushions he was sitting on with his ass. “You’re so-”

“Come on, Jared. Find those words for me, darlin’.”

“Honest.”

“Am I now? And just thirty seconds ago you called me a liar.” Jensen said, amused.

“Tirty.” Jared giggled. He giggled now. He was a giggler. Jensen made him giggle and swoon like a girl.

“What would you do if I woke up tomorrow and me accent had gone?” Jensen was still fiddling about with his joint-making, eyes cast down but with a wry smirk on his lips.

“Cry.”


	15. Chapter 15

The following days were annoyingly blissful, the weather had been glorious which Jared believed only added to his and Jensen’s collective moods. The height of summer and the carnival ground was heaving with people every night. Jensen worked on his carousel, using their mix tapes for one another as its soundtrack. Jared never got tired of hearing Jensen’s songs for him, even when he was fighting off overzealous five year-olds trying to grab at his balloons and counting the cost of how many were deflated by boys from his high school who thought poking them with lit cigarettes and causing mini explosions was hilarious.   
Jared was so over being a teenager now. While his peers necked in the Ferris Wheel cars and fumbled around behind the Ghost Train, Jared was enjoying the adult delights of a full and loving sex life. He may have become a little above himself. A man of the world. A gay man of the world in amongst all the clueless teenage fumblers he was going to have to go back to school with come August. Jensen though, the astute bastard, kept Jared in check and relatively grounded; encouraging him to hang out with Heather once in a while, which Jared never took him up on. _You’re going to be alone when I leave, Jared. Don’t lose all your friends because of me_. 

*

“It’s my birthday tomorrow.” Jared announced as he a Jensen rode the carousel, the Irishman was sat backward on a purple horse with a ghastly green mane while Jared sat facing him on his favorite horse; silver pony with a mane made of rainbows. He held onto the candy stripe pole, face squashed against his hands.

“You kept that one quiet, Jared. Seventeen and a dream.” Jensen smiled. “Do you have plans with your ma?”

“Dunno.” Jared looked down, shaking his head, shrugging, fidgeting. “We usually do something together. She bakes a cake, we go out for dinner. She always said that she should be the only one to celebrate my birthday with me because she was the only other person there at the time.”

“Makes sense. But I get the feeling that you don’t want to spend it with her this year.” 

“No. I’m seventeen now, well tomorrow. I want to spend it with you.”

“Thought you might say that.” Jensen sat up, two hands splayed across the hind quarters of his horse. “You can’t blow your ma off for me, Jared.”

“Why can’t I? It’s _my_ birthday.”

“When you say shite like that I’m reminded of how young you are.” 

“Don’t say ‘shite’ like _that_ ” Jared snapped, the first little bit of tension between them since they met. But Jensen was quick to shut it down.

“We’ll do something together. I promise.” 

“What are we going to do?” 

“I’m no expert on birthday celebrations, Jared but I’ll think of something.”

*

Jensen had always been good at putting a brave face on things. It wasn’t even putting on a face, it was accepting his fate and taking whatever situation he found himself in on the chin and either enjoying every second, or learning from whatever bad he found himself dealing with. His happiness, even in dark times, was never feigned nor forced. It was pure acceptance. He could never see the point in dwelling, nor moping or even wallowing in a pit of worry about what could come. He genuinely loved life, never the victim when he should have been just a man embracing all the good and all the bad that was thrown at him. Life experience, the whole spectrum of it. But then he met Jared. 

Jensen’s absolute favorite view was Jared laying sound asleep next to him. The boy was a deep sleeper and even more so if they had been smoking the night before. Dead to the world, still and utterly beautiful. And ever since they had shacked up together, Jensen fell into the habit of forcing himself to wake up before Jared just so he could look at him without getting anything back. No comments of ‘ _why are you staring_ , no flirty banter, just the purity of enjoying Jared as if he were a painting on a wall. What Jensen saw spoke back to him. A face he needed to study so that he would always remember it. The last three times, Jensen had cried. 

On the morning of Jared’s birthday, Jensen pushed himself out of bed even earlier than usual, leaving Jared a note on his pillow.

‘ _Happy birthday, lover. Stay in bed, will be back soon. I love you, Jen x_

Jensen had early morning bridges to build. Kyra was outside, watering her vegetable plot. 8AM and Jared’s seventeenth birthday promised to be a hot one; the perfect July day.

“I come in peace.” Jensen said, not looking his best, still sleep creased and weary. He held his hands up as Kyra glanced up briefly, not impressed at seeing the Irishman so early in the morning.

“I take it the birthday boy is still asleep.” Kyra said, moving around the allotment, long floaty summer skirt wrapping around the bamboo bean frame she had lovingly erected back in early Spring.

“Aye, that is he. Out for the count.” Jensen chuckled.

“What do you want?”

“I wanted to talk to you.”

“I have nothing to say to you, Angel or Jensen, whatever your name is.”

“Well, isn’t it grand then that I have a lot to say to you, means you’re more likely to listen to me.”

“I’ll listen.” Kyra sighed, if only for her sons sake.

“I love him.” Jensen sat down on an upturned bucket and lit a cigarette, the first one of the day was always the best.

“So do I.”

“At least we both have that in common.” 

“Thing is though.” Kyra set her watering can down, the contents sloshing over the soil. “I’m not going to leave him alone and break his heart. You are.”

“He’s known right from the start that I’ll leaving eventually. He’s his own man, Ms. Padalecki.”

“But he’s not a man, Jensen. He’s a boy. Why are you so interested in a boy?”

“He’s still just a person. You people are so preoccupied with age.”

“You people?”

“Aye, regular folks. You brought him up mature like. Gave him a free rein. I like him for him, age doesn’t matter.”

“He’s still my child.” Kyra snapped. Jensen offered her a cigarette as if he had read her mind; the sudden urge for a stress-busting nicotine hit.

“And he always will be.” Jensen smiled, soft and understanding. “He says he wants to spend today with me. But, I don’t think he should, it’s why I’m here.” Kyra snatched a cigarette from Jensen’s carton and flopped down on the grass next to him. 

“It’s a bit late to start being reasonable, Jensen.” Kyra scoffed. 

“I haven’t been unreasonable. The boy knows his own mind, I can’t be blamed for that.”

“No, men like you never can.”

“Sounds like you’re speaking for experience there, Kyra.” Jensen smirked, dropping the formality. There was little between the pair in years to warrant it.

“This is all my fault.” Kyra said unprompted. “I tried to bring him up without blinkers on. I didn’t want to wrap him up in cotton wool, I wanted him to be capable. To know his limits. I didn’t want him to grow up and become an adult without knowing what to expect. And then you come along, and I’m left here watching all this unfold, knowing that his life is going to be ruined by your leaving. He’s barely been home in weeks, only to pick up clothes and raid the fridge. I gave him _too_ much freedom; letting him drink and get high at the weekends, thinking it might stop him from going out and getting into trouble.” Kyra shot Jensen a look who was sitting quietly pensive as she talked. “I didn’t see this coming.” There was a moment of silence before Jensen spoke up.

“Falling in love, it doesn’t ruin a persons life.”

“Losing it does.” 

“No, I don’t agree. One of the things that drew me to Jared was his openness. Us carnies have a bad reputation, people will come to the carnival ground and they’ll trust us to man the rides and spin their cotton candy but that’s as far as it goes. Jared is a gentle young man, he’s patient and kind. And he knows a lot about life and his having his heartbroken will become just another thing he knows.”

“How can you be so flippant?”

“Trust me when I say to you, Kyra that there is not one ounce of flippancy when it comes to Jared. I’ve not been an angel all me life, but I love him and me heart is going to be just as shattered as his come the end of summer.”

“Why would you do that to yourself, to Jared?”

“Because life isn’t perfect. You said you wanted Jared to learn about the world beyond high school and pep rallies and whatever else you people do when you’re teenagers-”

“You make it sound like you’re teaching him a lesson.”

“Many a lesson is to be learned from the experiences of life, Jared’s ma. This is one of them.”

“Don’t you care?” Kyra was almost in tears because Jensen had a point, several valid points. His honesty only made her feel worse.

“Oh, I care. When I leave here, I can’t ever see meself falling in love again.”

“Then why leave?”

“Because this is the only life I know. And I’m pretty sure that if I stayed or if Jared came wit’ me, I doubt our love would last.”

“A romantic cynic.” Kyra scoffed.

“I’m a realist. Big difference.” Jensen watched Kyra intently. She was a beautiful woman, a delicate more feminine version of her son. She crushed her half smoked cigarette into the grass and flicked it into pot of butts next to the doorstep. “You’re a young woman, Ms. Padalecki. A beautiful one wit’ an even more beautiful son. Don’t you remember those halcyon days of falling in love for the first time?”

“That was a long time ago.” Kyra said bitterly and if Jensen wasn’t mistaken, he sensed jealousy in her tone.

“It was probably only eighteen years ago. And you have a walking, talking personification of that love as a reminder.”

Kyra placed her palm over her mouth, her free hand gripping her forearm. She nodded as tears pooled along the edge of her hand.

“I just don’t want you to take that away from me.” Kyra cried from behind her hand.

“I’m not.”

“You’ve changed him.”

“No, I haven’t. Jared has just adapted to a new experience but I will admit, he is being a bit of dick about it.” Jensen chuckled, Kyra snorted but there was a sliver of humor in it.

“I met his father when I was fifteen years old, just fifteen. So young.”

“Too young?”

“Possibly. I was pregnant within weeks. I was around people who were so free and easy about that kind of thing, they didn’t care that I-” Kyra sighed, a moment of realization hit her. “-why am I doing this to Jared?”

“Because of what you said. You really loved and still love Jared’s father. That’s what he told me anyhow. _Me parents are so in love, even though they’re not together. I know they’re still in love_. Is that true?”

“Yes. And everyday, I pray that his father is going to walk back into our lives again. He writes, he’s a poetic kind of man. Always was. But he’s not here. Jared _is_ and he’s all I’ve got.”

“Your children are your children forever, but they spread their love, don’t be mad at him about that.”

“I’m not.” Kyra said. “I’m jealous and I’m sad for him that he’s going to lose you, just like I lost his father. Whether I still love Bryan or not is of little matter, I’m still alone. I don’t want that for Jared.”

“Is that why you’ve never tried to meet anyone else, Kyra?”

“Hm.” Kyra nodded, bringing with it an affectionate smile. “The Padalecki’s are a loyal bunch, doomed to be alone forever for daring to fall in love with men who leave them.”

“I’m sorry.” Jensen muttered, humbled by Kyra’s honesty.

“Don’t be. You’re just living your life, aren’t you? There’s nothing wrong with that.” Kyra wiped away her drying tears and dried her hands on her skirt. “So, let’s do something nice for Jared’s birthday. Together.”

“I was hoping you would say that.” Jensen looked down, smiling to himself.

“Why are you smiling?”

“Because your son is giving me the happiest time of me life.”


	16. Chapter 16

“Happy birthday, darlin’.” Jensen, fully dressed and fresh from the fields that surrounded the carnival ground, was clutching a bunch of wild flowers as Jared woke up. It was always a beautiful thing for Jensen to witness, the gentle blinking of the boys soft lashes, the mild look of confusion on his face as his world downloaded into his head and then the smile Jensen always got back. Lazy and affectionate, loving.

“You like bringing me flowers, huh?” Jared said, his voice thick with sleep and deeper than usual. The sound of it made Jensen’s toes curl. 

“I don’t have much money but boy if I did-” Jensen chuckled.

“They’re gorgeous.” Jared sat up, taking the flowers from Jensen and inhaling the scent.

“And to be fair, Jared. It’s not like you gave me much notice about your birthday but uh, there is someone who has gone to a lot of trouble to celebrate it with you.” 

“Hm. I know.” Jared huffed. Not unkindly but spending time with Jensen was preferable to anything these days. 

“And as if luck would have it, I ran into your ma this morning. We had a bit of a heart-to-heart, Jared. We made peace, for you. I think if you were to talk to her, you might understand more about why you two have felt distant recently.”

“I dunno.” Jared shrugged.

“She’s your ma. Go and talk to her.”

“And you, am I going to be seeing you at all day?”

“Aye, you are. I have to go into town but I’ll be back, she said we can spend the day together. All of us.”

“Really?” Jared frowned, using his one free hand to slide himself fully upright. “You went to speak to her, didn’t you? You didn’t just run into her.”

“You got me. So, are you gonna go?”

“Yeah.” Jared buried his nose into the flowers and inhaled deeply.  
“Thank you.” 

*

It was with great reluctance that Jared dragged himself back over to Hestia Park after kissing Jensen goodbye as if he were leaving to join the Navy. He shut down the fear of losing Jensen forever with thoughts of his flimsy ideals of leaving with the Irishman at the end of summer. Deep down, really deep down Jared knew that there was no way he could or would leave without losing everything he loved up until he met Jensen. He _still_ loved those things; his mom, Heather, Hestia Park and all his friends and neighbors who lived there but Jensen had unintentionally elbowed it all out of the way with his sultry green eyes and endless charm.

The trailer was decorated with balloons as it always was when it was Jared’s birthday, he couldn’t help but smile even if he was sick of the sight of them. The door was open as it usually was during the summer months and Jared could hear his mom humming along to music as he stepped inside. 

“Well, look at you.” Kyra smiled, Jared needed a bit of shave, not much but there was just enough stubble to cast grown-up shadows across his face. “My beautiful young man.”

“Hi, mom.” 

“Happy birthday.” Kyra smiled. “Am I allowed a hug?”

“Of course you are.” Jared took three broad steps across the trailer, grabbing his mom around the waist and lifting her from the floor. “Missed you.”

“No you didn’t.” Kyra teased. “You’ve been spending time with your boyfriend and I, well-” Jared set his mom back down, she was always teary eyed on his birthday, the day she said was the best day of her life but this time felt different. Everything had changed. “-I’m sorry for the way I’ve been.”

“ _You’re_ sorry?” Jared blinked.

“Hm.” Kyra nodded, moving to the couch, hands running down the backs of her thighs to smooth her dress down before she sat. “I’ve just been _too_ worried about you and in some regards a little envious too.”

“Why?” 

“Because you have the love of your life here and I don’t but-” Kyra shook her head. “-no, it’s not going to be one of those days. We can talk about it all tomorrow.”

“Right.” Jared felt uneasy, uncomfortable almost by his mom’s brief explanation but her mood switched to ‘let’s celebrate’ so effortlessly, he could do little else but go along with it.

“So, is Jensen on his way?”

“Yeah.” Jared sat opposite his mother; the table was laden with gifts and cards, the centerpiece a brightly colored cake heavy with frosting topped with seventeen candles. “He said he had to go into town but he’ll be back soon.”

“It says a lot about your character that you didn’t tell Jensen that it was your birthday until the day before.”

“Does it?”

“Hm.” Kyra smiled. “You love him for him and how he makes you feel, not what you can get out of him.”

“Mom!” Jared chuckled. “I think you already knew you that I’m not a materialistic person.”

“I do but it’s still nice to see you in such a pure relationship even if I was concerned about the age gap.” Kyra sighed. “But he’s a thoughtful and honest man, that’s hard to come by.”

Jared nodded and turned his head, his chin resting on his shoulder. He rubbed it, light bristle catching against the soft cotton of his pale pink cap sleeve tee. Jensen saved the potentially maudlin mood with his presence, bursting into the trailer armed with a holographic gift bag; they were all the rage now.

“I hope you haven’t started drinking wit’out me?” Jensen grinned, the man who could start a party at a funeral.

“We were waiting for you. Please, come and sit down. I’ll make us all drinks.” Kyra said softly, she gave Jensen’s arm an affectionate squeeze as she passed him, a gesture usually reserved for her son.

“Mom, it’s ten in the morning.” 

“And you’re only seventeen once, Jared.” Jensen sidled up to Jared on the couch. He kissed his cheek and set the gift bag in front of him. “I agree with your ma.”

“Are you two on drugs?” Jared frowned, perplexed by their team effort at giving Jared a birthday to remember but warmed by it all the same.

*

Kyra seemed to have a bottomless pit of mimosas in that no ones glass was empty for long. Jared drank each glass down like it was water and Jensen politely sipped, holding back the occasional grimace at the sweet drink. Jared opened his gifts in between idle chatter and a few tales from Jensen which were hard to believe and almost scandalous. Jared’s favorite gifts by far were a CD player and CD Walkman along with a few choice CD’s. It was a very ‘CD’ kind of birthday.

“I’m not ashamed by my taste in music.” Jared said, holding up a copy of Madonna’s latest album.

“And nor should you be, music is a personal thing. But I quite liked that song you dedicated for me.” Jensen whispered, forgetting that Jared’s mom was sat opposite as the pair lost themselves in the most gentle but intimate kiss Kyra had ever seen. It was pure love, even she couldn’t feel embarrassed by it. “Now, open mine.” Jensen slid the gift bag in front of Jared. “It’s not as fancy as a boombox.” He chuckled.

“I don’t care about fancy when it comes to you.” Jared glanced at his mother briefly, not having spent time with Jensen in company, he felt the need to keep himself in check from time to time. Kyra looked nothing but happy although Jared figured the reason may have been her seventh mimosa. Jared opened the bag and pulled out loose wrappings until he found a small brown leather book. He glanced at Jensen confused, since there was no title nor author mentioned on the cover and as he flicked through it, nothing but blank pages.

“The first page. Always start there, even when there are no words.” Jensen said, helping Jared find the first page and noticing Kyra sit back as if to make herself invisible during the intimate moment.

“The West will bring more than wild wind as the Equinox sun sets.” Jared read the few words carefully. “What does it mean?”

“My poetry is more up for interpretation than explanation, my darlin’.”

“It’s beautifully cryptic.” Jared chuckled, closing the book the sliding his palm over the cover.

“Don’t write in it.” Jensen whispered, pressing a kiss against Jared’s rough jaw. 

“Why?”

“I’ll explain another time.” The kiss that followed Jensen’s words and had Kyra making herself scarce was interrupted by a familiar face poking around the edge of the door frame.

“Heather!” Kyra waved an arm to invite the girl in. 

“I’m hope I’m not just barging in?”

“Of course not.” Jared stood up to greet his friend, squeezing himself between the immovable table and Jensen who took the opportunity to bite Jared’s ass which sent the boys hips snapping forward. “You’re so bad.” Jared snorted, batting away at Jensen’s grabby hands.

“It’s like constant foreplay with these two.” Kyra laughed while everyone else in the trailer collectively gasped and Jared slapped his hands over his face. 

“Mom, oh my God, please don’t.” Jared gave Heather an apologetic smile and reason was two-fold; the behavior of his intoxicated mother and his being absent from he and Heather’s friendship for so long. “It’s so good to see you, I didn’t think you would come.”

“I always do and it seems like I’ve been missing out on all the fun.” Heather smiled, returning Jared’s hug and handing him a small gift.

“I’m a little drunk but not drunk enough that I'm able to ignore _her_.” Jared said, pointedly looking at Kyra. “And Jen is being polite but wishing he was drinking beer.”

“Am I that obvious, Jared?” Jensen piped up.

“I just know you too well.” The birthday boy grinned.

*

The afternoon continued in a similar vein until Kyra excused herself with a headache, Jensen left and returned shortly after, clutching a six-pack of beers and Heather left for her job in town in the afternoon which left Jared and Jensen alone and keen for it.

“Can we go back to the caravan now? I’m tired of sharing you.” Jared sighed, head on Jensen’s shoulder and running a finger through the bright green frosting on his half eaten birthday cake.

“Your bed is bigger.” Jensen said around Jared’s sickly sweet finger.

“True, but it’s more private at yours and I want you to fuck me slow and long like you do and I can’t stay silent when you do that.”

“Okay.” Jensen kissed the crown of Jared’s head. “Do your ma a courtesy and leave her a note though?”

“Yeah, I was going to. She went to so much effort.”

“I think she just enjoys a good party.” Jensen chuckled.

*

The weather had heated up Jensen’s caravan to ‘roast a chicken’ temperatures and the wall of warmth hit the pair as they opened the door.

“There is no way I’m fucking in there, it’s like a sauna. It’s at moments like this that I miss Ireland.” Jensen chuckled, holding up a finger for Jared to wait outside while he dashed into the caravan for ‘supplies’.

“You don’t talk about Ireland much.” Jared called out, leaning against the warmed, peeling chipped paint of Jensen’s mobile home.

“As a traveler, you tend not to dwell on where you were born, you make everywhere you go your home.” Jensen smiled, placing a six-pack of beer in Jared’s arms before vanishing back inside.

“I’m not asking you to dwell, Jen. Just, I’d like to know about the place.” Jared said, pressing his cheek against the wet, ice cold neck of one of the beer bottles.

“Aye, I’ll tell you about the place.” Jensen grinned, waving a bottle of lube and a condom in front of Jared’s face, a rolled up blanket was tucked under his other arm, along with his weed box.

“Aren’t we supposed to be working tonight?”

“No, it’s your birthday and I persuaded Presley to give us the time off.”

“Wow, you must have caught him in a really good mood.” Jared smirked.

“He was bladdered, so he was. He probably doesn’t even remember the conversation so we’d best scatter before he wakes up sober and notices we’re missing.” Jensen laughed, snapping the caravan door shut behind him. 

“Where are we going?”

“To the lake, I thought we’d walk since it’s not far. I feel like it’s our special place.”

“Every place is special when I’m with you.”


	17. Chapter 17

The trees that lined the banks of the lake were enough to give the boys the respite from the heat of the day. Fast growing cottonwoods casting a deep, cool shade and the privacy they needed. Jared’s favorite times were when he and Jensen were completely alone. No background hum coming the from the huge generators at the rear of Jensen’s caravan, no thumping music, no mechanical whirring. No screams and general hubbub from the carnival crowds. Just birds and the sound of Jensen telling tales about his travels in that beautiful Irish lilt of his.

“So, tell me about Ireland.” Jared said the very moment they had settled against the blanket, keen to not let the subject go.

“What do you want to know, Jared?”

“Everything. You don’t usually need a prompt when it comes to talking, you’re very good at it.” Jared smiled. “It sounds like you’re singing and you’re always smiling, no matter what you’re talking about.”

Jensen laughed, shrugging modestly as he removed his shirt which prompted Jared to do the same. The Irishman laid back against the blanket, Jared curled around him, chin settling in the crook of Jensen’s armpit; sweaty and hairy but Jared couldn’t care less.

“Is it nice down there in me sweaty pit?” Jensen chuckled and Jared’s head wobbled as the carney’s body shook.

“Lovely.” Jared said, kissing the crook of Jensen’s armpit. 

“You’re a strange boy.” Jensen pushed his fingers through Jared’s glossy hair. “But I love you.”

“I love you too, Jen.” Jared closed his eyes, head slowly coming to rest against Jensen chest. “Tell me about Ireland and make it sound like a fairytale.”

“That’s not difficult, the part I’m from is exactly like that. Fucked up childhood tales of woe aside, I have good memories of the place. It’s how I stay optimistic, remembering the countryside and boat rides off the coast. After me folks got tired of me, I was sent to live wit’ an aunt, they told me she was an aunt but I can’t confirm it. I stayed wit’ her for six months and it was the happiest time of me life. It was the only time I remember going to school.”

“How old were you?”

“No idea. But I had a friend and life felt normal for a time. It was a fishing village, filled with real salt of the eart’ folks, you know the kind. Weathered old sailors who would tell me tales of sirens and monsters under the water. One of the old boys would take me out in his small boat and I’d go home at the end of the day wit’ fish for supper. But when I think about it now, it was probably him who put the notion of traveling into me head. As a small boy, I believed everything he told me. Even some old yarn about catching a mermaid in one of his fishing nets.” Jensen chuckled. “But he talked about all of these far away places, of golden beaches and islands in the middle of the ocean wit’ no people. The idea of there being more out there in the world burrowed its way in here.” Jensen tapped the side of his head. “Then me ma’s sister came to take me away to Dublin.”

“Would you like to go back there one day?”

“Aye, I would. Just to see the place. Those old folks passed on a long time ago no doubt but it was the most beautiful place on God’s green eart’. I miss the sea.”

“I’m sorry that you had such a bad childhood.”

“Oh now, Jared. I just told you me favorite part and yet you cherry picked the negative. And you shouldn’t have to apologize for anything other folks have done to me. I don’t dwell. And how could I when right now, I’m basking in the summer sunshine wit’ me boy on his birthday.”

“Sorry.”

“If you say sorry one more time, I’ll throw you in the lake, so I will.” Jensen laughed and Jared looked up him, face pink from the heat, nose peppered with sweat.

“We could swim, if you wanted to.”

“You up for that, Jared? Even if they’re might be lake monsters in the water?” Jensen grabbed Jared’s waist and rolled the boy onto his back, tickling under his ribs. Jared squealed loudly but fought back, until they had rolled off the blanket and coated their sweaty bodies with dust. “Well, looks like we’re going to have to now.”

“I’m a good swimmer.” Jared warned, clambering up from Jensen’s body and stripping off.

“Wit’ those arms and legs, I should think you are.”

*

They raced one another to the other side of the lake and back again in the cool, shallow water. No cheating, no real competition just intent on making another memory. ‘ _Remember when we swam naked in the lake on that hot July day?_ ’ They basked naked and wet under the sun dappled shade of a cottonwood tree until Jensen made his move, hands spreading Jared open over the blanket, mouth pressing wet kisses over the boys soft skin and as water droplets rolled down his waist, Jensen lapped them up from every inch of skin, face burying between Jared’s legs, cold from the swim but slowly warming from the eagerness of Jensen’s tongue which dipped inside Jared’s ass hole; always ready these days. 

Jared laid back with a hand shielding his eyes from the sun as Jensen knelt between his legs having problems with the condom wrapper.

“Slippery hands.” Jensen chuckled, giving in and using his teeth to rip the packet open.

“If you knew that we were going to be together forever, would you fuck me without one?” Jared’s words were soft and meaningful but cautious.

“Better to be safe than sorry, Jared.” Jensen smiled, deflecting the question beautifully. Jared let it go again because Jensen looked like a beautiful dream, kneeling over him like a God. One of those real life but ethereal moments one witnesses but barely feels real. His perfect quiff was wet and had flopped to one side of his head, parting his hair. A preppy look for Jensen which made him look younger than whatever his years were. Jared could do little else but lay back and watch, suddenly overcome by the thought of Jensen’s leaving again. He sucked in a deep breath, burying his face into the damp blanket underneath him but the act did nothing to hide his tears. “Jared?” Jensen’s voice was soft as Jared laid his forearm over his eyes, his belly rolling to pull back a sob from deep inside him.

“I’m okay.”

“No you’re not. No tears on your birthday, darlin’.” Jensen leaned over Jared, blocking the sun from the boys face. “Hey, now. Please don’t get upset, Jared. You’re a big boy now.” He lifted Jared’s arm gently and peeked under it. “Hey.” 

“I’m going to miss you, _so_ much.” Jared could barely bring himself to look at Jensen’s face. 

“Aye, and I’ll miss you too so let’s make some more memories. No more tears.” Jensen thumbed away the mix of water and tears from Jared’s face, body slotting between the boys legs. “Right now, I’m nowhere else but here wit’ you.”

Jared cupped Jensen’s face and took in every detail again, blinking as if to take mental snapshots of the man he knew he was going to lose. The green eyes, so big and heavy with feminine lashes, the swell of his lips, the soft cut of his jaw and the dozens of pretty freckles; he took in every last one of them. Jared barely noticed as Jensen opened him up with his cock, a slow shock to the body which made the boys back arch from the ground. Jensen was absolutely _there_ and every part of Jared’s being was with him. There was no sun beating down against Jensen’s back, no trees gently catching the warm summer breezes; even the birds were silent because the world contained nothing but them.  
Jared’s body curved and pressed into the blanket with every deep roll of Jensen’s hips, carving him out in shapes made only for him. Jared took up handfuls of thick flesh, grabbing the wings on Jensen’s back. His angel. The boy felt sick and euphoric, the chemicals of their connection making his head spin as they watched one another. No sounds, no words just them at their most intimate. Jared could have cried again, over and over but the memory they were making was too pure to dampen with tears of what would be.

*

It was too exposed to the elements for them to sleep outside and too hot to even contemplate sleeping in Jensen’s tiny nook of a caravan when they returned home from their blissful afternoon.

“I have an idea.” Jared said, swinging Jensen’s arm as they walked hand in hand through the entrance of Hestia Park. “There’s an empty trailer, just over there.” He gestured. “I thought maybe we could sleep on the roof, that way we won’t wake my Mom up by climbing over mine.” Jared chuckled.

“I’m game. Sounds like a grand idea.”

“I just, don’t want today to ever end.” 

“We can make it last as long as you want it to.” Jensen smiled and was left outside Jared’s trailer while the boy popped inside to grab blankets and pillows from his bed. The Irishman made himself comfortable on the upturned bucket he had perched himself on earlier that day and lit a cigarette. Jensen rarely allowed himself to have quiet moments, even when alone in his caravan he’d play music to drown it all out. All the regrets, the hurt and the pain of his past and now he was contending with the strongest feelings of love he had ever experienced. He smiled through it, had to. There was no other way than to force his mouth upwards even though he often wanted to do nothing more than howl at the moon.

“Comfortable?” Jared chuckled, closing the door of the trailer quietly.

“As buckets go, I’ve sat on worse.” Jensen heaved himself up, allowing Jared to lead the way across the park. “You like living here, don’t you Jared?”

“Hm.” Jared tossed the bedding onto the roof of the trailer and climbed up, Jensen close behind. “I love it. Kids at school have always teased me about it. You know the kind of thing, trailer park trash.” He rolled his eyes, laying the bedding out with care.

“Aye, I get me fair share of taunts, even at the carnival. Like I said, they don’t mind you spinning them around in the Waltzer or cooking their food, but they never want to be friends wit’ you.”

“I did.” 

“That’s because you’re trailer trash.” Jensen teased and received a playful elbow in the ribs for it.

The couple laid back on the roof, two sets of eyes peering up into the heavens. Jared took Jensen’s free hand in his own and sighed happily. A sigh of happiness meant to be heard.

“I feel _very_ happy. Thank you for the best birthday I ever had.”

“I do a grand job wit’ birthday’s even though I’ve never had one.” Jensen chuckled blowing perfect smoke rings out into the inky night sky.

“Aren’t you ever curious about your birthday, your real age?”

“Sometimes. I could easily find out. I mean, if I was back in Ireland I could but I’m not so it will have to remain one of life’s great mysteries.” Jensen said, gesturing into the sky.

“I thought it was weird at first. But you were right, it doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of life. I mean, I’m seventeen now. What does that really mean?”

“Nothing. You’re just a day older than the day before.” Jensen shrugged. “All that ‘wit’ age comes wisdom’ shite. It’s rubbish. It’s not age that gives you wisdom it’s experience. You could have some eighty year-old who never married or fell in love, their age won’t make them an expert on something they haven’t experienced.”

“No one is an expert on love.”

“Oh, I dunno. I think I’ve got a pretty good understanding of it these days.” Jensen turned his head slowly to look at Jared. “Don’t you agree?”


	18. Chapter 18

_Two Weeks Later_

“I didn’t realize that things were so bad, Pres.” Jensen was kicking the dusty ground outside his caravan with the toe of his boot. It wasn’t great news, it was terrible news.

“Yeah, well if your mind wasn’t so occupied with that boy, then you might have noticed. I’ve seen you dally with the locals plenty of times but Jared has forced you to take your eyes off the game.” Presley was pissed, the carnival had been losing money and the crowds had been waning severely, the ground at night often empty of customers.

“Jared hasn’t forced me to do anything. I still work, I’m still here.”

“Physically yes, but your head is elsewhere. But that’s another matter for another day. We’re packing up and leaving in a few days. You’d better break the news to your latest squeeze because I’m going to need your muscle here to help dismantle the rides.”

“As always, I am but your humble servant.” Jensen bowed lowly.

“Just be here, break it off with him or you’re fired.”

*

It took a lot to piss Jensen off, and on the rare occasion he did lose his rag, it was usually Presley who had pushed his buttons. Jensen _had_ noticed how the carnival had quietened down of late, setting up next to a relatively quiet town was always a risk. Folks always flocked there in the first few weeks but as summer slowly died down and the schools prepared to reopen the customers had more pressing things to deal with. The time for summer fun had to end sometime. And that meant Jared and Jensen’s fun too. 

Jensen had no qualms about breaking the news to Jared, he had always been honest and quite plain about his having to leave. He saw no reason in beating about the bush, easier than lying or prevaricating and so he made his way over to Hestia the moment he got the news, uncharacteristically nervous and only a little bit heartbroken. At least, that was what he told himself. However, he was not expecting to walk in (because that’s what he did now) to tears at the table. Kyra was sobbing into her hands while Jared sat red eyed next to her, gently rubbing her back.

“Oh shite, I’m sorry. I should have knocked.” Jensen said, retreating backwards out of the trailer.

“No, Jen. It’s okay, you can come in.” Jared said.

“What’s happened, are youse okay?” Jensen’s tone was one of concern but still trilled from his lips as if he were singing a song.

“It’s my grandpa. The one in Lawrence I told you about, he’s had a stroke.” 

“Oh, I am sorry to hear that. Is there anything I can for youse both? You know, I can make a mean cup of tea.”

“Tea would nice.” Kyra said, smiling through tears at Jensen who was already milling about in the kitchen area. 

“We’re leaving to go and see him, Jen.”

“Aye, of course.” Jensen nodded, his news would have to wait.

“It’ll only be a couple of days.” Jared pressed. 

“Take as much time as you need, the both of youse.”

“I need to pack a bag.” Kyra said, rising from the table on trembling legs, hands sliding across the surface of the table to help keep herself upright. Jensen had never seen her look so devoid of happiness before and neither had Jared. She gave both the boys a squeeze on the arm as she passed them before disappearing into her room.

“She’s in shock. My grandpa isn’t that old.” Jared worried his bottom lip, staring at his mother’s closed bedroom door.

“She’s got you.” Jensen smiled, unraveling tea bags and throwing them into mugs.

“She said I could stay-”

“No, she needs you.” Jensen interrupted.

“Yeah, I know. That’s what I told her.” Jared went quiet before whispering. “I’m still going to miss you though.”

“I know, I’ll miss you too.”

*

Jared had always enjoyed visiting his grandparents in Lawrence because they lived in a real house which had a huge backyard and often felt more homely than his own modest trailer. Heather once told him that was what grandparents were there for ‘ _making everyone feel at home_. He hadn’t seen his maternal grandparents for quite a few months; Jensen’s presence had stopped him from joining his mother during their last planned visit. A decision that he now regretted. But it was comfort enough for Jared when he and Kyra let themselves into the empty house; his grandma had set up camp next to her husbands hospital bed and hadn’t been home in two days.

“The neighbors have been feeding Marvin.” Kyra said, who had been on focused autopilot ever since they had gotten the news that his grandpa had been taken ill.

“Oh okay. Shall I call him in?”

“Can do.” Kyra nodded, taking their bags up to the guest rooms.  
Jared walked through the house, stopping to grab an apple from the kitchen counter and to look at a photograph of himself when he was three; sitting on his grandpas knees while dressed as a pumpkin. He chuckled to himself, making his way through to the patio and sliding the doors open. He let out shrill whistle, dulled by a mouthful of apple.

“Marvin!” Jared called out, head poking out through the open doors, eyes scanning the beautifully manicured backyard. Green thumbs were a family trait. His grandparents huge black cat appeared over the back fence and scampered toward Jared as if were a dog. He knew Jared well and was curling around his legs and meowing for attention immediately. Jared scooped the cat up into his arms and kissed his head. “Hello, trouble.” Jared grinned, nuzzling the cats head roughly. He often missed having a pet of his own.

“Are you coming to the hospital with me, Jared?” Kyra said, looking suitably harassed and jumpy, fiddling with the strap of her bag against her shoulder.

“Yeah.” Jared nodded, closing the patio door with his elbow, hands full of apple and cat. “Of course I am. I’ll just settle Marvin down and we’ll go.”

“Okay. I’ll be in the car.” Kyra’s voice was flat and monotone, and had been ever since they left Hestia Park.

“I’ll be right out.” Jared filled up Marvin’s bowls with water and food and dragged his bed from out under the dining table to encourage the cat to sleep after he had eaten, although Jared was quite prepared to find Marvin curled up in the fruit bowl instead when they returned; a willful cat if ever there was one.

*

Along with most people, Jared hated hospitals. Worse still, visiting the people he loved in them. His grandpa was in a private room and as he looked through the open blinds of the window to his room he saw nothing but a cheerful old man wired up to machines laughing his head off. Jared felt his eyes warming with tears but couldn’t help but laugh too, it reminded him of Jensen. Always smiling, no matter what was happening in the world. Kyra on the other hand looked almost offended by her father’s cheery disposition. 

“He looks okay, doesn’t he?” Jared smiled.

“Hm, he should be resting.”

“Mom, he’s just talking to grandma, you know what those two are like.”

“I was expecting something worse.” Kyra sighed.

“Well, isn’t good that it isn’t something worse?” Jared frowned. “Mom, he’s fine, look at him.”

“Hm.” Kyra nodded and almost deflated into Jared’s arms with a loud sob, mostly one of relief.

“Is that my daughter out there?” Joe, Jared’s grandpa called out from his bed as the sound of Kyra’s tears carried through into the room. June, his wife snapped her head around and waved the pair into the room. “Always one for the dramatics.” Joe grinned as Jared walked his Mom into the room.

“Why are you joking about it?” Kyra sniffed, pushing herself away from Jared and throwing herself at her dad.

“Is there a law that if you get sick you have to stop smiling?” Joe petted Kyra’s head.

“I was just so worried.” Kyra cried. For Jared, the conversation between father and daughter faded into the background as June pulled her grandson in for a hug. 

“Come on, Jared. We should leave these two to battle it out. Fancy a coffee?”

“Hm, I’d love one.” Jared nodded, offering June his arm.

“You got tall.” June said, as they wandered arm in arm along the corridor. 

“It happens.” 

“You take after Joe, he and I were only ever unmatched in our heights.” 

“You _are_ freakishly small, grandma.” Jared grinned.

“You used to call me Smurf after your first growth spurt.”

“You’re _still_ a Smurf.” Jared laughed, looking down at his tiny grandma. “Is grandpa really okay, or is he doing that thing where everything is going to shit but doesn’t want to admit it?”

“He’s fine. It was a mild stroke, he’ll be going home soon.” June said, free and easy when it came to curse words.

“Okay, but are you doing that thing where you side with him and pretend?” Jared smirked.

“Honestly, he’s just fine. Stroke aside, he’s really okay Jared.”

“Mom _really_ freaks out about stuff.”

“Yes, she always has. Even bringing her up in the commune did nothing for her love of the dramatics.”

“I still can’t believe you and grandpa lived in a commune. I mean, it was the fifties. You were so progressive.”

“Stupid and young.” June said, waving a hand in the air as they toyed with the coffee machine. “Talking of which, how is your summer romance going?”

“Oh God, did she tell you?” Jared said, jabbing at the cappuccino button.

“Your mom tells me everything.” June smirked, batting Jared’s hand away.

“Great.” 

“So, who is she?” June took control of the drinks machine, one of the benefits of having relatively young grandparents; they weren’t scared of machines.

“Ha, she didn’t tell you everything. Because she is a he.”

“You’re not?” June gasped.

“I am. No great-grandchildren for you.” Jared teased.

“Well, you’re full of surprises aren’t you? So, what’s his name, does he go to your school?”

“His name is Jensen and uh-” Jared hissed as he grandma handed him a scolding cup of coffee with apparently hands made of asbestos. “-he’s a carney. He’s Irish.” 

“Oh.” June nodded knowingly. “When does he move on?”

“Not for a couple of weeks but-” Jared shrugged. “-I don’t want him to go. I love him.” He whispered.

“Do you have a photograph of him I could see?” June smiled in such away that the sadness of losing Jensen dissipated a little.

“No. I don’t. Why haven’t I done that?” Jared groaned, mad with himself for the oversight. 

“Because you’re obviously too wrapped up enjoying one another to stop to take photograph’s. And that’s how it should be.”

“I’ll get a roll of film on the way back home. I don’t want him to fade in my memories.”

*

Two days later and Joe was home, batting away two pairs of fussing hands while trying to get his grandson on side by bribing him with money to smuggle him beer. Jared was not that easily swayed until a hundred dollar bill was slipped into the small pocket of his t-shirt and Joe found himself with one paltry light beer; he smirked and called his grandson a cunning swindler.

“Just want you to get well again, grandpa.” Jared said, keeping a tight hold on the money. A kind boy but a swindler all the same. Now that Jared knew that his grandpa was doing better he was keen to get back to Jensen. He had no way of contacting him so he called Heather to pass on the news of his grandpa’s recovery.

“Can you do me a huge solid and I’ll love you forever?” Jared said, standing in the backyard of his grandparents house with their fancy cordless telephone.

“I thought you already promised to love me forever?” Heather was smiling, Jared could hear the sparkle in her voice, he wished she smiled more.

“I do but this is a huge favor."

“Go on." 

“Would you go see Jensen at the carnival ground and tell him that my grandpa is on the mend and that I’ll be back late tomorrow? I miss him so much already.”

“Uh, yeah sure. I was going to take my little brother down there anyways, I’ll tell Jensen.”

“Thank you so much, Heather.” Jared was smiling too and felt one step closer in getting back to Jensen.


	19. Chapter 19

“Who’s Jensen?” Joe had the hearing of a belfry bat and was smirking at Jared as his grandson joined him on their shady patio. Joe had been forced to sit outside in an easy chair with a blanket covering his legs, he felt like a fool but before June and Kyra had left for a grocery store run they had delivered a myriad of threats that Joe was disinclined to disobey. His wife and daughter were fearsome alone but a force to be reckoned with as a team.

“A friend.” Jared muttered as he plonked himself down on a sun lounger next to his grandpa.

“A friend you ‘miss so much already’? Must be one hell of a friend.” Joe grinned.

“Are you doing that thing where you already know the answer but want to see me squirm by actually telling you? Because I know that grandma can’t keep a secret.”

“So it’s a secret?”

“No, not really. If you must know, Jensen is a boy and we’re together, like a couple.”

“See, that wasn’t too hard, was it?” Joe chuckled, stuffing his half full beer bottle under his blanket after a covert sip, keen not to get caught.

“Your grandma tells me he’s a carney. Irish traveler?”

“Hm.” Jared nodded. “He’s leaving in a couple of weeks.”

“And how are you feeling about that?"

Jared went quiet, all he could do was shake his head, didn’t want to talk about it. Nor did he want to sit crying over a boy while his grandpa was convalescing, more Padalecki hysterics.

“Shit.” Jared said eventually and then the verbal diarrhea burst forth. “It’s just, everyone has been so cool about me being gay. You, grandma and mom and my friend Heather. I mean, Eric has been ass about it but you can’t win them all. And Jensen is just so good-looking and smart. He’s kind and picks me wildflowers because he knows I love them and he went to talk to mom on my birthday because things had gotten rough between us. And he gave me this book.” Jared had the leather bound book Jensen had bought him for his birthday in his pocket ever since he and Kyra had left Hestia Park. Jared showed the book to Joe and opened the first page. “He loves poetry and writes it, although I haven’t seen any of what he’s written, except this.” 

“The West will bring more than wild wind as the Equinox sun sets.” Joe read the words out loud. “Very poetic indeed.”

“But what does it mean? I’m shitty at poetry, too much subtext for me. You know, just say what you mean.” Jared chuckled. “What do you think it means, grandpa?”

“It’s not for me to decipher, Jared. I’m not good with poetry either, when it comes to reading, I’m more of a Stephen King man myself.” Joe chuckled. “Although it feels as if you _will_ find out one day, as if it’s a predication of some sorts.”

“Oh. Well, that doesn’t help much.” Jared sighed and closed the book, leaning back on the lounger.

“You love him, don’t you?” 

“Yeah, I do. And I know people say that because I’m only just seventeen that I don’t understand love and that I couldn’t possibly be in real love with him.” Jared said, sniffing up the resistance to cry.

“Well, that’s a load of old baloney. You never forget your first love, Jared. And it’s just as valid as the love you feel as a thirty year-old, forty year-old ecetara. I met the love of my life when I sixteen, my folks thought I was a clueless skinny boy with no mind of his own. And sure, I was clueless about a lot of stuff but that was because I just hadn’t learned about it yet. But I knew love when I saw it and it was real and it was valid.”

“And are you still in love with her?”

“Of course I am and I tell her every damn day.”

“Grandma?” Jared grinned.

“My June Bug.”

“I don’t believe that there is just one person for everyone. Well, I do. There’s one person for all of us who fits us perfectly and while we might lose them, the other people we meet and fall for are more like place-holders. They’re still great, you still love them but they’ll never be that one true love. If I lose Jensen, _when_ I lose Jensen, I know I’ll meet someone again but it will never be like what life is with Jen.”

“How do you know that there isn’t someone else out there who can make you feel better than Jensen does, son?”

“Because I don’t want there to be.”

“Thought about running away to join the circus?” Joe chuckled lightly.

“Carnival.” Jared corrected. “And yeah, every second of every day.”

“Heartbreak is just one of lifes lessons.”

“I know, that’s what Jensen said.” Jared sighed and looked out across the backyard. “And I hate it.”

*

Jared was beside himself for the entire car journey home, usually he would be dozing off every few miles or constantly reminding his mother what a terrible driver she was but he sat bolt upright the entire time and finding the occasional shortcut to get them home quicker. They managed to knock off about half an hour of their journey, not much but every extra second counted. The town was silent and empty as they drove through it, almost midnight and like a ghost town. Anyone out would be at the carnival, Jared’s slice of small town America had never been known for its vibrant nightlife. 

“Mom, have you taken the wrong turn again?” Jared sighed as the headlamps of the car cut through the long narrow road that lead to Hestia Park.

“Jared, I drive this way every day of my life. I know where I’m going.” Kyra said, tired and crabby from the long drive.

“No, you’ve taken the road that goes through to the next town, not Millers Lane.” Jared gestured, leaning forward and frowning.

“We just passed the sign for Millers Lane. No one likes a back seat driver.”

“I’m actually in the front seat.” Jared said sarcastically. “I just, I can’t see the Ferris Wheel.”

“It’s late, maybe they closed up for the night.”

Jared shifted in his seat, certain that they were going the wrong way until he saw the familiar sign to Hestia Park. ‘Hestia Park, a homely community’. It was then he knew that Kyra hadn’t taken a wrong turn, the carnival was gone. 

“Mom, stop the car.” Jared said, already removing his seat belt.

“But we’re almost home.”

“Mom, please. Stop the car!” Jared yelled while Kyra slammed on the brakes.

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

“The carnival is gone.” Jared said, gesturing again at the empty skyline. He yanked the door open and ran the few yards toward the ground, the fancy entrance was gone, the food stands, the Waltzer, and the carousel was sitting lifeless on the back of a low-loader. The caravans that sat around the edge of the ground had vanished, apart from one and it wasn’t Jensen’s. “No, not yet. It’s too soon.” Jared said, standing in the center of the empty plot of land with his hands on his head. “No, you have _not_ gone!” He yelled, turning slowly, desperately praying for Jensen’s caravan to reappear in a puff of smoke. Jared dragged his hands over his face before dashing to the area where the caravan had been but there was nothing but trodden down grass and four indentations in the earth where the vehicles wheels had been. 

“He’s gone.” The voice came from out of the darkness. Presley.

“Why has he gone?” Jared said, his tone one of accusation. 

“Because that’s what traveling carnivals do, they move from place to place.”

“Don’t talk to me like I’m dumb. You weren’t meant to leave for another two weeks!” Jared yelled, spit flying from between his teeth. 

“Jared. The carnival was losing money, we had to move on. I told Jensen and he left to tell you. Did he not?” For some reason, Presley seemed rather gleeful at being the one to bear Jared the news of Jensen’s premature departure.

“No.” Jared chewed the inside of his mouth, shaking his head like some mad tick had taken his brain over. “No.” Jared cried. “No, he didn’t.”

“If it’s any consolation.” Presley said, softening as much as he was capable of. “He told me to give you this.” He pulled a small white envelope from his back pocket and offered it to Jared.

“A letter?” Jared spat, looking at the envelope as if it was all that was awful in the world. “That’s what I get, a Dear John letter and fucking off without saying good bye?”

“Hey, son. Don’t shoot the messenger.” Presley said, riled. “Are you gonna take it?” 

Jared tugged at his shirt, flinching as a spot of rain splashed against one cheek. He shook his head then nodded at the ground between them. Presley threw the envelope on the kicked up earth and grass and simply walked away.

“Jared! Where are you?!” Kyra’s voice could be heard just above the sound of the beginning of an eventful storm. The rain fell heavier and with haste, huge warm raindrops falling against Jared’s bare arms as if they were taunting him. He scrambled onto the ground and grabbed up the already damp letter and then didn’t remember Kyra dragging him by his arm away from the carnival ground, and then across the street to Hestia. Nor had he any recollection of being dried off, and wrapped in a blanket. He had no memory of being laid down in his bed. Jared woke the next day having slept through the storm and to a room filled with sunlight. He smiled to himself. ‘ _Just a dream_ ’ and fell back to sleep.

*

Everything was right in the world as Jared opened his eyes after his second round of sleep, the sun was warm, cutting strips of light across his bed sheets and he could smell baking. His Mom’s baking. And then the rain clouds came back, heavy and dark. The noise that Jared made must have carried through the trailer because Kyra was by his side in a flash, hands stroking and calming. Voice breaking at seeing her son in so much pain.

“Jared please calm down, you’re scaring me.”

“I can’t.” Jared sobbed. “I can’t. I can’t breath, I can’t. Mom, I can’t breath. Mommy, please.”

“Jared, just lay still. Concentrate on your breathing, relax. Shoulders into the bed. Tongue from the roof of your mouth. And breath. Look at me, sweet pea.” Kyra said, using a term of endearment she hadn’t uttered since her boy was six years-old. Jared blinked heavy, stinging tears from his eyes and tried to focus on his mother. “Hello.” Kyra nodded slowly as she felt Jared relax under he hands. 

“Hi.”

“You had a panic attack. But you’re okay now. Just lie still and listen to my voice.”

“Okay.” Jared’s chin wobbled, more tears threatening. His mom being nice made him feel worse in a lot of ways but he fought them back.

“There we go.” Kyra smiled. The pair became silent for a short time, Jared looking up at his mother with eyes so swollen they were almost closed.

“You’ve been baking.”

“I have. Oat and raisin cookies for the only person in the world who loves them.” Kyra chuckled, smoothing Jared’s hair from his sweaty forehead lovingly.

“Extra cinnamon?”

“Extra cinnamon.” Kyra smiled, biting her lip as tears streaked Jared’s cheeks.

“This is a lot worse than anything I have ever known.” Jared mumbled.

“I know.”

“I don’t like it.”

“No one does.” Kyra shook her head, wiping away her own tears. 

“The letter.” Jared said, suddenly remembering.

“It’s in the kitchen, it got a bit wet in the rain but no real damage.”

“Burn it.” Jared said, turning on his side and away from his mom.

“It might help you.” Kyra said cautiously.

“Burn it, please.” 

Kyra nodded, adjusted Jared’s bed sheets and pressed a soft kiss against his temple.

“Come out when you’re ready.”

“Hm.”

Kyra left Jared’s bedroom, left the door ajar and walked through to the kitchen, she picked up the letter and tucked it away inside one of her recipe books with absolutely no intention of burning it.


	20. Chapter 20

Jared felt nothing but exhaustion during the days following Jensen’s abrupt disappearance; an ironic roller coaster of emotions which overlapped, overwhelmed and consumed him. In just three days he had broken his bedroom mirror in a fit of rage, cried so hard that he threw up and gave himself his first ever migraine then spent an afternoon behaving as if everything was okay, adopting Kyra’s autopilot behavior while chain smoking a whole carton of Lucky Strikes. For Kyra, that had been a step too far and lead to a blazing row about how it’s okay for her to smoke but not Jared who threw in every teenage cliché he could think of it the fight. Which included the classic _’Stop treating me like a kid!’_ To make matters worse, school was looming and Jared couldn’t have been less interested if he tried. Kyra was at the end of her very long tether by day five, talking to Jared was akin to trying to hold a conversation with a brick wall but after yet another clash, Kyra forced her son to sit down and at least listen. _’After your grandpa’s recent health scare, I can do without all of this’_. Emotional blackmail maybe but it was the truth; there had been too much drama recently. Kyra had had enough of it.

“I’m sorry.” Jared mumbled the words out, sullenly spoken but meant. 

“I know you are, Jared. But we can’t live like this. It’s an important year in school for you and I hate seeing you so hurt.”

“I know.” 

“Maybe-” Kyra chose her words carefully, since Jared had been the personification of an unexploded bomb of late. “-maybe you need closure.”

“Do I, and how do you suppose I do that?” Jared sighed, clicking a pen against the side of the dining table repeatedly which was snatched from his fingers.

“Stop it. Stop this. I can’t begin to imagine how you feel, but I think I know how you can perhaps move on a little.”

“Go on.”

“Read Jensen’s letter.”

“What? I told you to burn it.” Jared spat, watching Kyra stand up and move toward her recipe books in the kitchenette.

“Well, I didn’t.” Kyra slipped the letter out from the inside of ‘Microwave Cooking for Two’ and handed it to Jared.

“Mom, no. I can’t read it.”

“You have to. You probably have a lot of unanswered questions. It might help.” Kyra laid the envelope, wrinkled from the soaking in the rain it had lived through, on the table in front of her son.

“Jensen is a dick. A huge, bullshitting dick.”

“Dicks don’t leave letters, Jared. They just, leave.”

Jared looked up at his mom and smiled weakly, so much pain in that pretty face, it made Kyra’s stomach knot. 

“He still left.”

“He was always going to. And you know that.”

“But not like that, not while I was away visiting grandpa. It was cruel.”

“Listen, I have to go into town. Think about it and please, don’t destroy it, you’ll regret it if you do.”

Jared nodded as Kyra kissed his head, grabbing up her bag from the couch and walking toward the door. She stood watching her son, his constantly tear-swollen eyes staring down at the envelope. She had only ever wanted Jared to be happy from the day he came into the world. She never cared about what he wanted to do with his life, all she wanted was a content and happy child.

*

The envelope didn’t smell of anything except paper as Jared pressed it against his nose, half expecting it to smell of leather and motor oil. His name was written in block letters, underlined with a swirl. Jared _wanted_ to read it. But still too scared, too heartbroken to take in the last words ever to come from Jensen’s head because then it _really_ would be over. And all he would be left with were memories and a letter that Jensen had once held in his hands. Jared stood up, folding the letter in half and shoving it into his pocket before leaving the trailer, not before sneaking two cigarettes and a book of matches from his mother’s stash. His destination was the lake. Their place, the place where they had made the most vivid of memories. Where Jared had spent his most special birthday. 

The ground was damp from the recent rainfall, two days of warm, late summer rain which had matched Jared’s mood to a tee. He didn’t care at that moment about wet grass and sodden earth, just Jensen’s final words. He lit one of the two cigarettes, a little bent from being crammed into his pocket and opened the envelope with care. The first two words he read as he unfolded the letter were ‘My Boy’. Jared sobbed, choking on an inhale of cigarette smoke and let himself cry for a few moments. It was never going to be easy.

_My Boy_

_It all came a bit too early for us, didn’t it? And I can’t even blame Presley for my leaving you too soon. I chose to but it wasn’t easy. You see, I got it into my head that perhaps I was a coward after all because I was the one who chose to lead the caravans back onto the road because then I wouldn’t have to wait around for you to come back and stand in front of your beautiful face and say goodbye. I thought that saying goodbye to you like this would be easier, that my not being there would stop us from a long, painful heartfelt goodbye. I wanted my last memory of you to be one of you smiling and kissing me, smiling because I said something funny. Kissing me because you love me, not because you’re begging me to stay. I was never going to stay._

_I didn’t want a memory of your tears, because I knew you’d be crying them any way and fuck knows, have I. You’ve broken me Jared, you’ve made me feel things I never thought possible. I’m not mad with you about it, and nor should you be with me because we had fun, didn’t we? You and I, me and you. I don’t think I have ever felt such real happiness nor love when I was around you, what a gift to even feel that just for the summer, when some folks don’t feel it in a lifetime._

_If I close my eyes, I can feel your body against mine as if you made such an impact on my life that you left a shadow of yourself with me. I’ve been inside you, so deep inside you and I can feel that too. If I close my eyes. It’s all still there Jared, in our hearts and in our minds. We just have to remember. And I can promise you, as I promised you that I love you that I will never, ever forget. I haven’t been able to promise you everything, I can’t. My life is one spent on the road, it’s how I earn a decent wage, staying was never an option for me. I wish with every breath in my lungs that it had been._

_There is so much more I want to say to you, Jared. I can’t but maybe I’ll write again one day when I can, although I know that you can’t write back._

_I love you and I always will_  
_With much love and unending affection_

_Jensen (Your Angel)_

Jared sobbed, cried his eyes out while he read the letter twice over and smoked both cigarettes down to their filters. There were no big revelations, just things that Jared already knew. It didn’t feel nice nor comforting but the letter didn’t feel horrible either. And Jared could really see Jensen’s point about saying goodbye; playing out a scenario in his head of standing in the middle of the lonely road and watching Jensen leave. The fact was, there was no happy way that Jensen could have left and that thought gave Jared a sliver of comfort.

*

Heather was sitting on the steps of the trailer when Jared returned from the lake, Kyra was still out and about in town. 

“Are you okay?” That was their greeting now, because Jared constantly looked like he had been run down by several cars. But on this occasion he looked marginally brighter. 

“Yeah, well you know. No.” Jared chuckled and sat down, squishing himself next to his friend on the steps.

“Jared, I have something to tell you.” Heather’s voice was quieter than usual, cautious.

“Oh?”

“I knew Jensen was leaving.” She said softly. “But only because I went to the carnival to pass on your message and they were packing up and he made me swear not to tell you.”

“Right.” Jared nodded, he wasn’t mad. He couldn’t be at that point. “It’s okay. You wouldn’t have been able to warn me any ways. Don’t worry about it.”

“I’m really sorry he left.”

“Me too.” Jared nodded. “It’s not like I didn’t know.”

“Doesn’t make it any easier though, does it.”

“Nope.”

*

Jared spent the rest of the time in the lead up to the start of school not preparing at all. Kyra bought him a trendy new backpack to try and encourage him to do something other then reread Jensen’s letter and listen to the mix tapes they had made one another. Since he had wanted to keep Jensen’s tape to him as a keepsake, he made three spare copies with his music on one side of the cassette and Jensen’s music on the other. The master copy, he kept by his bed, propped up on it’s side with the letter, so that every morning as he woke up he would see Jensen’s handwriting. There was still little else but Jensen in his head; during conversations at the dinner table with Kyra, he was present but not and on the odd occasions that he spent time with Heather, he spoke about his Angel because she seemed to be the only one patient enough to listen. 

“Jared, can I ask you something?” Heather was sitting on the roof of the trailer with Jared who had insisted that he were the one to face toward the empty land as if the carnival was going to magically reappear at any moment. They were sharing a tub of ice cream, chocolate with a swirl of raspberry sauce through it.

“Sure.” Jared shrugged, eyes constantly looking over Heather’s shoulder. She didn’t mind, he had invited her and in her quiet life of no other friends she was glad to be there, even if it were only to listen.

“I know that Jensen left while you were in Lawrence but did you ever think about leaving with him, because your mom seems like the kind of person who would have let you.”

“Maybe when she and I used to talk about stuff like love and shit _before_ I met Jensen. She freaked out about him.”

“Did she?”

“Yeah, kinda.” Jared shrugged, twisting his spoon around inside the tub of ice cream. “She heard us having sex one time and freaked.”

“Jesus, any parent would.” Heather snorted. “But would you have? Gone with him.”

“No. As much as it fucking hurts that he’s gone, I couldn’t leave my mom, this place or you.” Jared smiled. “Because I’m not ‘Heathcliff on crack’.” He said, cocking a knowing eyebrow. 

“Oh heck, you heard?”

“Bit hard not to, Heather. When you and my mom get together, you’re _really_ loud and I was up here.”

“Sorry.” Heather wrinkled her nose and took a meager spoonful of ice cream and handed the tub back to Jared by way of a small apology. 

“Don’t be. I wear my emotions on my sleeve these days and I’m not sorry about it.”

“You seem happier today?”

“Not really, it just happens to be one of the better days, sorry to disappoint you.” Jared said glumly. “If Jensen had wanted me as much as he said, then _he_ should have stayed. End of story.”

“Is it?” Heather smirked. “Are we going back to talking about George Michael’s ass in the ‘Faith’ video again then?”

“Maybe.” Jared chuckled and looked out across the plains. “Perhaps.”


	21. Chapter 21

Faggot. Trailer. Park. Trash.

The new and exciting addition to his already inaccurate and cruel nickname was spat out at him the moment he found himself on the school grounds on his first day back. The start of a new school year and the first pep rally ahead of the first school football game of the season was already being planned. Jared hated pep rallies, to him it was just another excuse for the ‘me me me’ brigade to become even louder and even more important (or so they thought). 

Singleton High, home of the Raiders. Home of movie cliché jocks and ‘tits and teeth’ cheerleaders. To Jared it was revolting and not being a huge school sports fan himself, boring. Everyone around him felt like elementary kids. He was a man of the world now, he thought to himself as he waited outside for Heather to get dropped off by her dad. Jared had known love, Jared hadn’t even thought about ‘bases’ when it had come down to making out and sex. He’d had a cock up his ass, so many times, made love like an adult, watched the sun go down over Jensen’s shoulder as they fucked slow and long by the lake. His peers were mere kids and proved that by taking in turns to slap Jared’s ass with rulers every time someone willing to do so passed him. ‘ _Ass bandit_ ’, that was a new one.

“Haven’t even put one foot inside the building.” Jared said, arms aloft with disbelief as Heather caught the tail-end of a cruel jibe.

“Eric blabbed, I bet.”

“I wouldn’t even bet on it.” Jared grumbled. “Starting to regret not running off after Jensen now. What’s the point of dealing with this bullshit day in day out?”

“It’s high school, it’s what happens.” Heather shrugged.

“Well, it’s dumb."

“It’s high school.”

*

The taunting died down as the day went on, Eric was ducking around the halls like a really shitty spy trying to avoid Jared _all_ because he had been a huge dick all summer and was feeling a tad guilty about it but was still stubborn enough and still deep enough under the spell of his grotty cousins that his even attempting to say sorry to his old friend hadn’t crossed his mind once. His loss. Jared didn’t have the time nor inclination to try and reconcile. A classic case of ‘he’s made his bed’.

Every class was difficult, Jared struggled to focus on retaining even the most simple information and found himself gazing out of the window most of the time to tune of his name being yelled across the classrooms. _Padalecki!_ , _wake up, Padalecki!_ , _head in the game, Padalecki_. But then, there was always that one teacher. The one that knew that not paying attention in class wasn’t insolence, that perhaps thinks weren’t okay. Enter, Mrs. Bryson. Jared’s English lit teacher and one of the few in the school who really connected with her students, even the ones who were _genuinely_ insolent. Mrs. Bryson knew Jared well, she knew Kyra well too, they were friends, very close friends. Friends so close they confided in one another, so when Mrs. Bryson or Claire as Jared knew her out of school asked the young man to stay behind after class, he knew that she knew about everything. Awesome.

“The school grounds seemed interesting today.” Claire said, nodding at Jared to sit at a desk close to hers. 

“Nice trees.” Jared shrugged.

“Are are you okay?”

“You gossip with my mother twice a week, I think you already know the answer to that question, Claire.” Jared caught her quirk an eyebrow, clearly not satisfied with that answer. “I will be.” He nodded. “I don’t know when.”

“School can be a good distraction.”

“It would be if I didn’t have to listen to everyone call me names every second of the day.”

“I told you before, Jared. Report it.”

“No, I’m not going to be _that_ kid. And besides, there’s too many of them. Principal Decker would have to put half of the school in detention.”

“We don’t tolerate bullying here, Jared.”

“What are the chances of my home schooling for the last year?”

“Slim.” Claire said honestly and Jared threw his head back, groaning loudly. 

“I can’t deal with it.”

“Jared, you used to be able to brush it off. You’ve always been a strong boy but I know how vulnerable you are at the moment.”

“I guess.”

“It will pass, I promise you.”

“And what? I’ll get over him and meet a nice boy here?” Jared snapped but apologized immediately. “Sorry. I didn’t mean-”

“You’re lucky it’s me.” Claire said warmly. “And if you ever want to talk or if you find it in yourself to report anyone, I’m here.”

“Thanks.” Jared sighed, moving to get up but then had a wicked idea. “Actually, I do want to make a complaint. Eric Baker, he’s the one.”

“Really, I thought you two had been friends for years?”

“Had.” Jared emphasized. “He’s got a huge problem with me since, you know. I’m not spending my last year of high school being called an ass bandit every five minutes. And it’s him that spread the gossip.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I really am.”

*

It hadn’t helped, the jibes and taunts kept on coming for weeks after Jared reported his ex best friend but Eric had at least stopped. By proxy, Jared had told his old pal that he sucked and his old pal had gotten the message. Jared wasn’t inclined to approach Eric to build bridges, he felt saddened by his lack of support and how cruel Eric had become but there was nothing there left to repair. School improved though when it came to learning shit, Jared found that he was able to concentrate more as time went on. Jensen was still in his head but less so until one day in very late September during science class, a puzzle was finally unraveled.

Mr. Seabrook was famous in Singleton High for having one of the most monotonous, boring voices that could put an entire army to sleep. It droned, even when he was talking about the wonders of the solar system, it felt as if he were reading names from a phone book. It wasn’t a subject Jared struggled with, he enjoyed all aspects of science even with Mr. Seabrook at the helm of teaching it. 

“And then we come to the Spring and Fall equinox.” Mr. Seabrook droned. “Tomorrow will see one of the two days in the year where the sun sets in the west. It’s a-”

Jared’s hand was up in the air so fast he made the people around him jump out of their skin. Mr. Seabrook was never a fan of being interrupted, which was always a pity but Jared had been so vacant in his classes of late, he was glad to see some participation from the boy for once.

“Yes, Padalecki?”

“You say it’s tomorrow, the Fall equinox?”

“Yes.” The teacher sounded the word out as if it were a sentence.

“And the sun sets in the west?”

“Padalecki are you dumb, he just said that.” A voice came from the back of the room, Jared ignored it. “Cock sucker.” He ignored that too.

“Yes, that’s what I said, Jared. Is your hearing okay?” Mr. Seabrook looked over the top of his glasses at Jared who had suddenly become fidgety and oddly cheerful.

“Yeah. I mean, yes Sir. It’s fine, I just needed clarification.”

“Very well. So, as I was saying-” As Mr. Seabrook continued his painfully slow monologue, Jared crossed his arms across the desk and buried his face away from prying eyes.

“He’s coming back.” Jared muttered, hiding the first genuine smile he’d had for weeks.

*

“He’s coming back!” Jared said, falling into the trailer and panting like an overexcited dog after a frantic bike ride home.

“Who, who is?”

“Jesus.” Jared said flatly. “Jensen, mom. Jensen’s coming back.” He beamed, passing the refrigerator he usually dove into the moment he got home from school and plonked himself down on the couch.

“How do you know, did he write?”

“No, it’s what he wrote in that book he gave me for my birthday.” Jared rifled through his backpack and yanked the book out, leaving a ticker tape parade of loose sheets of paper and pencils over the surface of the table. “Look, see.” Jared opened the book and showed his mother the brief message that Jensen had written on the first page. Words that even she knew by heart. “The West will bring more than wild wind as the Equinox sun sets.” Jared read the words carefully then slumped against the couch. “I can’t believe that I only figure it out today, I feel so dumb.”

“I kind of knew.” Kyra said softly, wincing somewhat.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Jared said, his voice raising an octave or too, still not fully broken.

“It wasn’t my place to tell. And, I didn’t want you to get your hopes up. And Jared, I still don’t. Jensen has gone.”

“Tomorrow, when the sun sets in the West, that’s what it says. Don’t burst my bubble.”

“Don’t get your hopes up, you’ve been a little more cheerful lately, I don’t want you to get hurt again.”

“He’s coming back tomorrow.” Jared grinned, not taking a word of what his mother had just said on board. “He’ll be here.” Jared flashed his mom a brief smile and gathered together the mess he had made on the table and dashed off to his bedroom, slamming it with polite excitement.

*

Days that drag unnecessarily; Christmas Eve if you’re seven years-old, the day before pay day, social occasions spent with terrible relatives and the day the love of your life is set to return, riding on his motorcycle as the sun sets over the plains of Kansas. Back again to fulfill a promise Jared hadn’t even realized Jensen had made. Fuck school for the day, fuck calculus, fuck the fall of the fucking Roman Empire, fuck the bullies, fuck everything that wasn’t Jensen. Every time Jared checked his watch or a clock on the wall of whatever room he happened to be in at the time, it felt as if it were going backward or forward really slowly or not moving at all and it was maddening. 

Heather was being as annoyingly cautious as Kyra had been the day before and during breakfast that morning but Jared was undeterred. It all made perfect sense, although it had Jared questioning his common sense somewhat and he made a vow never to overlook something so blindingly obvious again. But that was what life was like with Jensen, Jared was blind to everything that wasn’t Jensen’s being. Love-struck and dumb-struck, that was what Jared had become. 

By the time school was over, Jared was practically climbing over his peers to get out of the building, he still had at least five hours until sun down, but he wasn’t yet in the place he wanted to be. He wanted to be on the roof of the trailer, listening to their mix tapes and waiting to see Jensen appear on the horizon. Sensibly, Jared took his time cycling home since he was keen to avoid getting into an accident or befalling anything that could hinder his plans. 

“You’re later than usual.” Kyra said, happily harvesting sugar snap peas from their allotment plot.

“I didn’t want to get run down, especially not today.” Jared said, locking his bicycle up at the rear of the trailer.

“I never want you to get run down whatever the day.” Kyra said pointedly, watching her son with narrow eyes. He was a bundle of nerves and excitement and Kyra saw nothing but more heartbreak in his near future.

“I know you don’t. I’m going to shower and grab a snack, don’t worry about dinner for me, I’ll be on top of the trailer for the rest of the day.”

“Okay but I’ll save a plate for you anyway.” 

“Thanks. Are you going out tonight as usual?” Jared stepped up into the trailer, swinging from the door frame like an ape.

“I am.” Kyra sighed. “Jared, are you sure you don’t want me to stick around just in case he-”

“He’s coming, mom.” Jared grinned. “Trust me.”


	22. Chapter 22

Jared could have done without fighting with his mother after taking an abnormally long shower which left her with no hot water for her own. It wasn’t really a fight, more like an exchange of snippy comments but meant that Kyra was hanging around the trailer longer than Jared would have liked but he only had himself to blame. He _had_ taken a heck of a long time in the bathroom, shaving the little facial hair he had to contend with, scrubbing every inch of himself until his peachy skin was pink and shiny and even trimming his pubic hair, nothing was left untouched. Anyone could have eaten their dinner off him.

Three long hours to go. Even the lengthy shower had barely cut into the time he had to wait at all, and for a while it felt like the universe was conspiring against him. He burned himself on the iron while pressing his favorite hot pink cap sleeve tee, one of his mix tape copies mangled itself up inside his cassette player which kind of helped get rid of half an hour while he sat staring into the middle distance in his bedroom, reeling the tape back into the cassette with a Sesame Street pencil he’d had since he was ten.

Kyra left, eventually. She was still complaining about her lukewarm shower as she left the trailer but sent her love through Jared’s closed bedroom door which went unheard. Too loud music and deep thoughts while he primped and preened in front of his tiny shaving mirror. Hair this way, that way. A little gel to tame it and Jared was ready to park his butt on the trailer roof to wait for Jensen’s arrival. He grabbed himself two cans of Tab and an orange from the fruit bowl on the kitchen counter. He liked the idea of Jensen tasting oranges when they kissed for the first time in almost two months. 

An hour to go. Jared believed that would pass quick enough as he made himself comfortable on a quarter folded blanket. He laid out his drinks and orange with care and set his Walkman on his lap, spongey headphones still around his neck, music already vibrating against his skin. The song that Jensen danced to that time in the caravan, naked with Elvis hips and bouncy quiff. ‘ _I’m right behind you, baby_ ’. Jared knew the nature of the modest flow of traffic that passed Hestia Park well; the road lead to nowhere but to the old Miller’s farm and since the land had been snapped up, farming equipment had breezed by regularly of late but the only other cars were those belonging to the residents of Hestia. And no one owned a motorcycle so Jared figured that Jensen would be easy to spot when he drove down the long pothole filled stretch of road. Or he might draw up in his caravan, perched at the front holding the reins of some horse he had acquired for the journey and looking very much like the romantic Irish traveler that he was. 

Jared had laid on top of the trailer many times to watch the sun set, it had never occurred to him how little of it he had taken in. He knew it was beautiful but he realized that he hadn’t _really_ been looking at all. To him, Kansas sun sets were the best, not that he had seen them anywhere else in the world but the sheer vastness of the land around him lent itself perfectly to the phenomenon. All that sky, he couldn’t imagine looking up and only seeing buildings or the constant rumble of jet plane engines. He dared himself to turn around under the snow globe sky and noticed that he was all alone. Everyone in Hestia Park was inside or out in town, the road was empty and he couldn’t even see any late evening farming happening in the distance as he looked through his binoculars. Back to the West, the horizon was slowly turning pink, cotton candy pink streaked with violent orange hues. Fitting.

A vehicle appeared in the distance, headlamps bouncing into view where the road curved slightly on the edge of the world. It could be Jensen, he may have got a car for his return journey. But the car was too slow to have Jensen behind the wheel and as it approached, Mr. Clarkson his next door but five neighbor tooted his horn as he pulled into the park. Jared gave the old man a feeble wave but a genuine smile as he passed. And then time passed. The sun set shifted from pink to purple as the veil of night descended, stars flickered on like street lamps and the world around Jared slowly slipped into darkness. The cassette tape had been taken out of his Walkman twice to switch sides, the same music playing over and over to keep his busy mind occupied. Jared frowned down at his watch and could just about see the glow in the dark hands, sun set had been and gone half an hour ago.

Jared’s mind had taken a slump but his body was still ridged with expectation, legs crossed, back straight, head up as if trying to peek over the horizon.

“Come on, don’t make a fool out of me.” Jared muttered to himself, the binoculars pressed against his eye sockets as if leaning hard into them was going to help him see better in the dark. “Please, Jen.” Forty-five minutes after sun set and Jared was still practicing patience and hope. A fit boy but his back was starting to ache and his ass was sore from sitting for so long. Twice he had sucked down a sob with defiance and the next fifteen minutes suddenly felt like a lifetime. He needed to stretch, walk it off. Jared left his Walkman and binoculars on the roof of the trailer and climbed down the ladder, his feet were a little unsteady and one leg had gone to sleep. 

Perhaps Jensen had meant next year, he thought to himself as he turned in circles to wake his left leg from its power nap before heading over to the empty plot of land where the carnival had once been. Maybe Jensen was just hedging his bets by writing those words in that book. Maybe that now he was away from Jared, he had realized that what they had shared together through the summer was nothing but a passionate fling that would become a memory. ‘ _Remember that summer we swam naked in the lake?_ ’.

Presley and his carnies had cleaned up well before they left, no one would have known that the land Jared was standing on had once been so full of life. Excitement and thrills, the smell of sugar and love in the air was nothing but a thought. A memory. The land was barely visible as Jared wandered the uneven ground, the lights from Hestia Park across the road were just bright enough to cast a soft shadow. The shadow of a tall, lonely boy, fuck even his shadow looked beaten. Another defiant ‘fuck you’ at his threatening tears as Jared slumped onto the ground. His heart was already broken, there was nothing whole about it that could cause it break again so soon but the overwhelming sense of disappointment was horrible. Just, horrible. He laid back on the ground and looked up, sun set was just a thing that had happened now. A thing that happened every day and Jared thought that he would never enjoy another sun down as long as he would live. It was just the end of another day and the end of a dream.   
It took all of his might not to cry, it was all he had done for weeks. He clenched his fists, dug into his palms with his nails and screwed his eyes shut so tight that the tears that had begun to form stung like bastards. Deep breath, be a big boy. Move on. Silence.

“I’m sorry I’m late.”

The voice sounded distant, like thoughts are sometimes and it persisted when Jared decided it was too much to even think about opening his eyes.

“Are going to open your eyes and look at me, Jared?”

“Jen?”

Jared heard the creak of a leather jacket and the soft sound of fabric shifting. Kansas nights were deafeningly silent. He opened his eyes and turned his head.

“How’s it going, darlin’?”

“Oh God.” Jared sobbed, reaching up to grab the lapels of Jensen’s jacket, using the squatting man to haul himself up. Jensen rocked forward, steadying himself, arms pulling Jared up against him. The boy buried his face into the leather, inhaling deeply, nose taking in every real scent that it could find. Leather, motor oil, the faint smell of body spray. 

“I’m so sorry I’m late.” Jensen said again, as Jared’s entire body melded into the Irishman’s. “I’m so sorry.” He repeated as Jared cried into his neck. That neck, damp with sweat, smokey and warm.

“You said you weren’t going to stay.” Jared said, painting the words onto Jensen’s neck with his lips.

“Aye and I didn’t but I never said I wasn’t going to come back. And, well. I just needed to see.” Jensen helped drag Jared up from the ground, he held his face, wiped away the tears, coaxed him into a state of calm. 

“I figured it out.” Jared said, holding onto Jensen’s wrists. “I was in science class and I realized but I was so stupid before. And I’ve been waiting on top of the trailer for you and you didn’t come. But then you came.” 

“I did.” Jensen chuckled as Jared babbled on, eyes wide, too scared to close them now in fear of Jensen not really being there.

“What do you mean, ‘you just needed to see’?” 

“Shall we talk about this somewhere a bit more comfortable, Jared? I don’t fancy rolling around in the dirt wit’ you tonight.”

“Yes.” Jared chuckled as he got up, climbing up Jensen’s body until they were face to face. “I was right.”

“Aye, you were.” Jensen tilted his head, leaned in slow, eyes wide open and kissed Jared with so much tenderness that the boys knees buckled. But Jensen was there to catch him. “Come on. I’ve been riding me bike for five hours straight like and could really do with a cold beer.”

“Where have you come from?” Jared said, suddenly holding onto Jensen as if he were an invalid as they walked back to the park. Jensen’s motorcycle was parked up behind the trailer and was sporting a trailer of its own. 

“Missouri. Presley had another booking there, someplace.” Jensen shrugged. “It’s not my problem any more.”

“Did you quit?”

“Aye, that I did.” Jensen grinned as Jared lead him inside the trailer, another kiss before they had barely passed the threshold. 

“Is that all of your stuff in that trailer? What happened to your little caravan? Was Presley mad at you?” Jared was silenced with lips again and pressed against the refrigerator. 

“I’d love a beer.” Jensen huffed the words into Jared’s mouth softly. “And then we’ll talk.” 

“Right. Duh.” Jared lightly smacked the side of his own head and turned around to open the fridge door. He grabbed two beers and handed one to Jensen. “Let’s sit.” And so they did, at opposite sides of the table. Jared explained it was because he just wanted to look.

“It _is_ all of me stuff in the trailer, I sold me caravan for a pretty penny and aye, Presley was pissed off. He said ‘ _if you leave now, you are never welcome back_ ’. So I told him to go fuck himself like and got on me bike.” Jensen chuckled. “I think he already knew that I had no plans of staying on in Missouri. I think he knew that I wanted to leave to be wit’ you.”

“Your face.” Jared said, turning the bottle of beer around on the surface of the table.

“What about me face?” Jensen laughed, half a beer down already.

“It’s here.” 

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you straight, y’know that I was going to come back but I just needed to know.”

“What, what did you need to know?”

“What it felt like to miss you.”

“And how did it feel?” Jared laid a hand upturned in the center of the table, Jensen laid his palm over it. Warm and rough, just as always.

“Like the worst feeling on eart’.”


	23. Epilogue

Jensen was always going to come back and he had always known when. His commitment to Presley and the carnival meant that it was impossible for him to stay, coming back though, that was another matter entirely. Jensen believed that along with fulfilling his final duties as kind of Presley’s second in command and testing he and Jared’s relationship by putting distance between them was vital to his moving on to the next chapter. He and Jared had lived in one another’s pockets all summer, pitched up in each others hearts and minds but Jensen wanted to know just how much his heart would break putting Jared at an unreachable distance.

It had hurt infinitely more than Jensen had dared to imagine. It had made him uncharacteristically vulnerable, opening old wounds of his life even before Jared. The constant abandonment he had suffered as a child, the way he was passed around like a plate of sandwiches at a buffet from person to person, never settling in a real home for longer than a few months. And how he adapted his adult life in the same way, always moving on because he hadn’t known any different. Forever traveling in search of love, stability and companionship. Jensen had found that in Jared, he had taken a punt on a school boy, a free and easy young man with an untrained heart and open mind. Jensen had begged Jared to love him the moment they had met but had never expected that love to feel so raw. Jensen had always had a lot of love to offer the world, it was rarely taken even less so returned with such honesty and purity. 

Jared and Jensen lived together now in that once empty trailer in Hestia Park, life was blissfully static. They only ever traveled through space, two souls bound together as the earth spun beneath their feet.

“I never asked you why you wouldn’t let me write in the book you gave me for my birthday.” Jared hadn’t opened the small leather bound book since Jensen had come back, there hadn’t been the need to. The promise written inside the first page had been fulfilled. 

“You plucked that question out of nowhere, didn’t you Jared.” Jensen laughed, dragging a hand over his hair. Shorter now, less Elvis more almost 1989. He rolled onto his side and pressed himself up against Jared’s body, chilled skin still clammy from the sex they had just enjoyed.

“It just popped into my head, it’s been a crazy few weeks, I finally feel like everything is slotting into place now. I feel like I’m thinking at last.” Jared grinned, grabbing at Jensen’s new hair style with the tips of his long fingers. “So, why _did_ you ask me to leave it blank?”

“Because, I wrote the next line by coming back to you.”

“I wish you had told me.” Jared said, not sad about it because Jensen was saying romantic things and it hadn’t been the first time that he had said it.

“I did tell you, Jared and you figured it out. At the final hour, you knew, you waited for me.”

“I did.” Jared had successfully restyled Jensen’s post-sex hair into something resembling the quiff he used to sport. He smiled. “Is the book always going to stay empty?”

“Aye, that it is. This is our story here. Our memories, our life together. We don’t need to document it with words, Jared.”

“Chapter two, page one.”

“The Endless Love Story of the Carnie and the Boy Who Loved Him.” Jensen grinned.

“Hm.” Jared hummed, snuggled and nuzzled into Jensen’s body. " _Loves_." He whispered.

“Aye, my darlin’. _Loves_."


End file.
